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Top 10 Toxic Red Flags - And How to Deal With Them
We all want connection—but sometimes, what feels like love at first can actually be something much more harmful under the surface.
Whether you’re dating, in a long-term partnership, or navigating friendships or work relationships, knowing these red flags can help protect your peace, self-esteem, and emotional well-being.
In this post—and in the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), we explore a topic many have asked for: the Top 10 Toxic Red Flags in relationships.
Toxic relationships don’t always start that way. In fact, many begin with fireworks: intensity, charm, even a sense of “destiny.” While you might have seen friends swept up in situations like this, it can happen to anyone.
Take the whirlwind romance between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp—it started with public displays of affection and grand gestures but devolved into disturbing allegations and painful courtroom drama. Or the very public split between Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, which began with an engagement just weeks in and quickly unraveled amid rumors and scrutiny.
These high-speed love stories show that when things move from zero to forever in a matter of days, it’s worth slowing down. Both the research and real-life stories show that fast-burn relationships can turn into emotional minefields.
So, let’s break down the Top 10 Toxic Red Flags to watch out for—whether you’re just getting to know someone or already deep in a connection:
1. Love Bombing
It feels like a fairytale—intense affection, over-the-top gestures, and endless praise. But when someone comes on too strong, too fast, it’s often not about love—it’s about control. The goal? To hook you emotionally before you can think critically.
2. Gaslighting
You share hurt feelings and hear, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “That never happened.” Over time, you begin doubting your own memory, feelings, even reality. Gaslighting is emotional manipulation—not a misunderstanding.
3. Jealousy Disguised as Love
They say things like, “I’m just protective” or “I care too much.” But really, they’re monitoring your movements, questioning your relationships, and guilting you for having independence. That’s not care—it’s control.
4. Isolation
You stop seeing friends. Your family relationships fade. Sometimes it's explicit—"I don’t like them." Other times, it's more subtle: sighs, guilt trips, or passive-aggressive comments. Isolation is how toxic people become the only voice you hear.
5. Blame-Shifting
Every problem becomes your fault. They cheat? You drove them to it. They explode? You triggered them. This dynamic keeps you apologizing, while they never take responsibility.
6. Walking on Eggshells
You hesitate before speaking. You rehearse texts. You worry about their reaction. When your nervous system is constantly in fight-or-flight mode around someone you love—that’s not a healthy attachment, it’s a trauma bond.
7. Constant Criticism
It may be framed as jokes or “just trying to help,” but if they routinely insult your looks, intelligence, or goals, it’s not constructive—it’s control. This slowly chips away at your confidence and increases dependency.
8. Controlling Behavior
They tell you what to wear, how to spend your money, who you can see or follow online. Sometimes it’s wrapped in “concern,” but the result is the same: your autonomy disappears.
9. Boundary Violations
You say no—they push. You set a limit—they laugh, guilt you, or ignore it. When someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, believe what they’re showing you.
10. Hot-and-Cold Cycles
They hurt you, then love bomb you again. You find yourself chasing the highs and blaming yourself for the lows. This emotional rollercoaster is addictive—and incredibly damaging.
So… What Can You Do When You Notice Red Flags?
Try the Three Rs framework:
Recognize
Name the red flag in your mind. “That felt like gaslighting” or “That seemed controlling.”
Reflect
Ask yourself:
* Is this a one-time behavior or a pattern?
* Is this person open to feedback and growth?
* How does this dynamic make me feel over time?
Respond
You don’t have to confront them right away. Start by protecting your peace: set clear boundaries, limit contact, or get feedback from someone you trust.
You can also journal red flag moments to better track patterns over time.
Write down exactly what happened, how it made you feel, and what you noticed in your body—tight chest, stomach drop, racing thoughts, or numbness. These physical and emotional reactions are important data points. They help you move beyond rationalization (“maybe I overreacted”) and into clarity (“this happens every time I express a need”).
Over time, your journal becomes a map—showing patterns you might otherwise overlook, like recurring boundary violations, manipulative communication, or a growing sense of fear or confusion.
Not a big writer? Even short entries like “I felt small today after our conversation” or “he dismissed my feelings again” can go a long way in helping you see the bigger picture.
And if you’re working with a therapist, these notes become powerful tools for discussion. Therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to unpack what’s happening and ask the harder questions: Am I in a relationship that supports my growth? Or one that chips away at it?
You deserve to feel emotionally safe, seen, and respected. Journaling helps you remember your truth—even when someone else is trying to rewrite it.
Final Reminder
You deserve relationships that nourish, not drain you.If this message resonated, send it to someone who needs to hear:Red flags aren’t just drama—they’re data.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe
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By Get Your Dose of Mental Wellness News and Tips in Just 10 MinutesWe all want connection—but sometimes, what feels like love at first can actually be something much more harmful under the surface.
Whether you’re dating, in a long-term partnership, or navigating friendships or work relationships, knowing these red flags can help protect your peace, self-esteem, and emotional well-being.
In this post—and in the latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), we explore a topic many have asked for: the Top 10 Toxic Red Flags in relationships.
Toxic relationships don’t always start that way. In fact, many begin with fireworks: intensity, charm, even a sense of “destiny.” While you might have seen friends swept up in situations like this, it can happen to anyone.
Take the whirlwind romance between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp—it started with public displays of affection and grand gestures but devolved into disturbing allegations and painful courtroom drama. Or the very public split between Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, which began with an engagement just weeks in and quickly unraveled amid rumors and scrutiny.
These high-speed love stories show that when things move from zero to forever in a matter of days, it’s worth slowing down. Both the research and real-life stories show that fast-burn relationships can turn into emotional minefields.
So, let’s break down the Top 10 Toxic Red Flags to watch out for—whether you’re just getting to know someone or already deep in a connection:
1. Love Bombing
It feels like a fairytale—intense affection, over-the-top gestures, and endless praise. But when someone comes on too strong, too fast, it’s often not about love—it’s about control. The goal? To hook you emotionally before you can think critically.
2. Gaslighting
You share hurt feelings and hear, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “That never happened.” Over time, you begin doubting your own memory, feelings, even reality. Gaslighting is emotional manipulation—not a misunderstanding.
3. Jealousy Disguised as Love
They say things like, “I’m just protective” or “I care too much.” But really, they’re monitoring your movements, questioning your relationships, and guilting you for having independence. That’s not care—it’s control.
4. Isolation
You stop seeing friends. Your family relationships fade. Sometimes it's explicit—"I don’t like them." Other times, it's more subtle: sighs, guilt trips, or passive-aggressive comments. Isolation is how toxic people become the only voice you hear.
5. Blame-Shifting
Every problem becomes your fault. They cheat? You drove them to it. They explode? You triggered them. This dynamic keeps you apologizing, while they never take responsibility.
6. Walking on Eggshells
You hesitate before speaking. You rehearse texts. You worry about their reaction. When your nervous system is constantly in fight-or-flight mode around someone you love—that’s not a healthy attachment, it’s a trauma bond.
7. Constant Criticism
It may be framed as jokes or “just trying to help,” but if they routinely insult your looks, intelligence, or goals, it’s not constructive—it’s control. This slowly chips away at your confidence and increases dependency.
8. Controlling Behavior
They tell you what to wear, how to spend your money, who you can see or follow online. Sometimes it’s wrapped in “concern,” but the result is the same: your autonomy disappears.
9. Boundary Violations
You say no—they push. You set a limit—they laugh, guilt you, or ignore it. When someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, believe what they’re showing you.
10. Hot-and-Cold Cycles
They hurt you, then love bomb you again. You find yourself chasing the highs and blaming yourself for the lows. This emotional rollercoaster is addictive—and incredibly damaging.
So… What Can You Do When You Notice Red Flags?
Try the Three Rs framework:
Recognize
Name the red flag in your mind. “That felt like gaslighting” or “That seemed controlling.”
Reflect
Ask yourself:
* Is this a one-time behavior or a pattern?
* Is this person open to feedback and growth?
* How does this dynamic make me feel over time?
Respond
You don’t have to confront them right away. Start by protecting your peace: set clear boundaries, limit contact, or get feedback from someone you trust.
You can also journal red flag moments to better track patterns over time.
Write down exactly what happened, how it made you feel, and what you noticed in your body—tight chest, stomach drop, racing thoughts, or numbness. These physical and emotional reactions are important data points. They help you move beyond rationalization (“maybe I overreacted”) and into clarity (“this happens every time I express a need”).
Over time, your journal becomes a map—showing patterns you might otherwise overlook, like recurring boundary violations, manipulative communication, or a growing sense of fear or confusion.
Not a big writer? Even short entries like “I felt small today after our conversation” or “he dismissed my feelings again” can go a long way in helping you see the bigger picture.
And if you’re working with a therapist, these notes become powerful tools for discussion. Therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to unpack what’s happening and ask the harder questions: Am I in a relationship that supports my growth? Or one that chips away at it?
You deserve to feel emotionally safe, seen, and respected. Journaling helps you remember your truth—even when someone else is trying to rewrite it.
Final Reminder
You deserve relationships that nourish, not drain you.If this message resonated, send it to someone who needs to hear:Red flags aren’t just drama—they’re data.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website!
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on X
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe