Langa Mthethwa wasn’t at rock bottom.

He was doing well at work, keeping it together, exercising through the week.

But every Friday to Sunday, the pattern kicked in. Heavy drinking from Friday night into Saturday, up again by 10 or 11 on Saturday morning, through the day, out again Saturday night, hair of the dog on Sunday, and by Monday he was shot. By Wednesday he’d feel normal again — just in time for the cycle to start over.

He calls it the middle lane. Successful on paper. Not in crisis. Not at rock bottom. Just stuck — and silently struggling.

In this conversation, Langa traces his relationship with alcohol from his first sip of his uncle’s beer at 11, through his teens in London, drinking Super Skull before his GCSE maths exam, through a Zimbabwean cultural landscape in which drinking was deeply embedded, through his twenties and thirties, to the morning of the 10th of March 2024 when he looked in the mirror and said: I cannot feel like this anymore.

He also talks about the FA Cup final moment — the first time, months into sobriety, that he knew exactly who he was without a drink in his hand. About identity versus willpower. About why change that’s attached to who you are is more sustainable than change built on resistance. And about what he now does to help other men step out of the middle lane and into the next version of themselves.

Timestamps

00:53 Coming Up — Langa’s Story

01:22 Follow the Show

01:35 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Langa

04:05 The Middle Lane

05:09 Heavy Drinking — What That Actually Meant

05:58 The Loop — Friday to Sunday and Back Again

06:37 COVID and the Start of the Escalation

06:44 How It Started — First Sip at 11

08:12 The False Confidence Alcohol Gave Him

09:00 Drinking Before the GCSE Maths Exam

09:55 His Dad’s Silent Acceptance

13:07 Boarding School in Zimbabwe — Sent to Understand His Culture

17:40 Zimbabwean Drinking Culture

19:20 Work Hard, Drink Hard, Repeat

21:40 The Job That Lost Its Meaning

23:15 The Pursuit of Pleasure vs the Absence of Joy

24:53 What the Drinking Was Filling — Meaning, Presence, Consistency

25:41 Not at Rock Bottom — But Not Thriving Either

27:00 Keeping It Together While Sabotaging Your Potential

28:00 The 10th of March 2024 — Looking in the Mirror

29:08 Day at a Time, Weekend at a Time — The Decision

29:32 The Soba App — Blue Days and Red Days

32:03 Filling Life with Things That Had Meaning

32:58 The FA Cup Final — The Moment He Knew Who He Was Without a Drink

34:06 Change Is More Sustainable When It’s Attached to Identity, Not Willpower

35:17 The Lightbulb — Finding His Purpose

36:18 Identity vs Willpower — Dom and Langa Discuss

40:22 Limiting Beliefs and the Inner Critic

41:30 Physical Health — Training, Sleep, Diet

42:10 Values — Who You Are When Nobody’s Watching

43:14 Langa’s Call to Action — How to Find Him

45:02 Dom’s Closing Reflection — Identity, Not Willpower

You can find Langa at

http://www.langamthethwa.com

https://www.instagram.com/bettermebetteryou_langa

https://www.linkedin.com/in/langa-mthethwa-356811a9

tiktok.com/@langstr7

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

Do You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | Acast

Man Rebuilt - Torque | Acast

Regaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout - Torque | Acast

No Risk, No Story - the Life of AI Entrepreneur and zally Founder, Patrick Smith - Torque | Acast

Happiness at Work: The Five Things You Need To Feel Happy in Your Job - Richard Clarke, the Entrepreneur with one KPI - Torque | Acast

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Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 12

Happiness at Work: The Five Things You Need To Feel Happy in Your Job - Richard Clarke, the Entrepreneur with one KPI

Guest: Richard Clarke — keynote speaker, consultant and former tech company founder

Episode Description

Richard Clarke spent four years teaching water skiing in Turkey, sailing in the Caribbean, traveling through Australia and Asia — all in pursuit of a single question: what actually makes me happy? When the answer turned out to be making other people happy, he came home, became a teacher, moved to Gran Canaria, and in 2014 became founder of a tech company with an unusual KPI. Not revenue. Not growth. Team happiness.

For the next ten years he experimented as an entrepreneur on his own team, testing everything from meeting design to what food to serve at breakfast, to no-meeting Fridays, to flexible working, to turning down clients who weren’t a good fit for the culture. When he sent out an engagement survey two years in and 50% of his team said they wanted to leave, it taught him something important: you can’t replace good management with free stuff.

Last year, Richard sold the company. He describes handing it over as feeling like putting his daughter on a plane to Peru — the same loss of something he’d built and loved that he couldn’t control anymore.

In this conversation, Richard talks about the five things every workplace needs to make people genuinely happy — safety, community, autonomy, learning and purpose — and why they aren’t just workplace needs. He talks about job crafting, about the difference between British and Spanish working culture, about what Gen Z are getting right that previous generations were too scared to ask for, and about what Richard would tell you to do if you’re not happy at work right now.

Timestamps

02:37 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Richard

03:44 What Led Him to Put Happiness at the Core of His Business

03:58 The Careers Advisor Who Changed Everything — Just Do Something That Makes You Happy

06:01 The Morning on the Beach in Thailand When He Knew It Was Over

08:03 2014: Founding a Tech Company with Happiness as the KPI

08:23 Nobody Believed Him — The Theory Nobody Would Fund

09:18 The Engagement Survey Two Years In — 50% Wanted to Leave

10:44 What He Did Wrong

12:17 What He Did Right

15:20 Spanish vs British Working Culture

17:00 Was He Happy While Running a Happiness Company?

18:28 Why He Sold

20:31 How the Team Reacted

22:14 Setting Red Lines Before the Sale

25:18 How He Dealt with the Loss — Talking to People

26:14 The One Thing Happiness Couldn’t Fix

28:12 Happiness as KPI Alongside Profit, Not Instead Of

30:00 Did Men and Women Need Different Things?

30:37 The Five Things — Safety, Community, Autonomy, Learning, Purpose

31:14 Age as the Bigger Differentiator — Young Parents Needed Flexibility

31:51 What Individuals Can Do for Themselves — The 50 Words Exercise

33:04 Job Crafting — Adapting Your Role Around Your Needs

35:04 What Schools in Africa Taught Him About Purpose

37:10 What Richard Would Tell You If You’re Not Happy at Work

38:30 What Good Management Actually Looks Like

40:10 Autonomy — Trust People or Lose Them

41:27 Gen Z — Not Different, Just Braver at Asking

42:44 What a Good Day Looks Like for Richard

43:05 Dom’s Closing Reflection

You can find Richard on LinkedIn at

Richard Clarke | LinkedIn

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

Do You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | Acast

Man Rebuilt - Torque | Acast

Regaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout - Torque | Acast

No Risk, No Story - the Life of AI Entrepreneur and zally Founder, Patrick Smith - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 11

No Risk, No Story

The Life of AI Entrepreneur and zally Founder, Patrick Smith

Guest: Patrick Smith — entrepreneur, AI specialist and founder of zally

Episode Description

Patrick Smith started his first two businesses at the age of ten — a website-building operation for his dad’s friends and a DJ booking agency, with his mum driving the equipment to school discos in the back of the car. By 13 he was being paid professionally as a DJ and lying about his age to get the gigs. By 25 he had built and lost eleven ventures. He took full ownership of every one of them and saw each failure as training.

Born in Oslo to a family with entrepreneurship in its DNA — his great-grandfather built 40 bespoke tailoring businesses across Europe before the war stripped them away — Patrick has since built and exited multiple companies, moved to London knowing nobody, then Manchester, and is now based between Manchester and San Francisco building zally, a behavioural AI company working on what he describes as giving technology the one thing it lacks: intuition.

In this conversation, Patrick talks about what it actually costs to be a founder — on your family, your friendships, your mental health. About the sacrifices his wife and children make so he can build. About the eleven failures before 25, and what each one taught him. About stopping drinking four years ago, treating himself like an athlete, and counting bad days rather than good ones. About the personal story behind zally — his mother’s death from cancer, his father’s dementia, and a problem with passwords that became a business.

And about why, when you ask a billionaire in San Francisco why they’re doing it again, they always give you the same answer: I don’t know anything else.

Timestamps

00:33 Introducing Patrick Smith — zally Founder, AI Entrepreneur

02:00 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Patrick

04:08 What Drove Him — Intrinsic or External?

04:14 Born in Oslo, Born an Entrepreneur

05:22 Building Websites at Ten — HTML for Dummies on Holiday

05:51 Where Did It Come From?

07:38 Would He Let His Own Daughter Do the Same?

08:53 Eleven Failures Before 25 — What Did He Learn?

09:45 The Biggest Lesson — Bring People In Earlier, Ask for Help

11:14 How Do You Deal with Failure Personally?

11:40 The UK vs US Attitude to Failure

12:25 The More Chaos Around Him, the Calmer He Becomes

14:07 What Is the Personal Cost of Founder Life?

14:52 No Time for Friends, Family Sacrifice — What Are They Giving Up?

15:29 30 Mortgages Depending on Him Every Month

16:00 Balance Doesn’t Exist — You Need Harmony

17:28 The No Risk, No Story Tattoo

18:52 Landed in London Knowing Nobody, Then Manchester, Now San Francisco

19:02 Who Do You Turn to When Things Are Tough?

20:43 Stopping Drinking, Treating Himself Like an Athlete

22:00 What Does a Bad Day Look Like?

23:06 Learn to Dance in the Rain

23:51 Building a Startup Is Like Jumping From a Mountain

24:34 In San Francisco, Money Isn’t the Motivator

25:47 Money Doesn’t Solve Your Purpose

26:47 AI and the Fear of Job Losses — His View

28:46 Humans in the Loop — Why That Matters

30:45 What Future Does He Want for His Children?

32:57 Lost His Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights at 13

37:49 The Personal Story Behind zally — His Mother’s Death and His Father’s Dementia

38:28 Passwords, Dementia, and a Better Way to Authenticate Users

39:21 How zally Works in Practice

40:39 Dom’s Closing Reflection

You can find Patrick and zally at

Patrick Smith | LinkedIn

Behavioral AI Lab

Instagram

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

Do You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | Acast

Man Rebuilt - Torque | Acast

Regaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 10

Regaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout

Guest: Jason Renshaw

Also featuring: Francis Norton — BACP accredited counsellor, burnout specialist

Episode Description

Jason Renshaw is 53, married to Tracy for 28 years, father to a 13-year-old daughter and a Star Wars collector with 35 years at the same accountancy firm. Last year he suffered what he calls a breakdown. He didn’t see it coming — something that built quietly for years but he kept pushing through anyway.

In this conversation, Jason talks about the morning in December 2025 when he woke up feeling nothing. About the two nights before that he couldn’t sleep. About the dark thoughts that crept in. About how he went straight to work and broke down in front of his boss because he couldn’t face going home and worrying his wife. About the gap between being the dependable guy, the one who gets things done, and the man who was quietly falling apart.

Jason also talks about what has helped — the small changes, the impact of Andy’s Man Club, the conversations he’d never had before, the vitamin deficiencies nobody had flagged, the department move that lifted the weight from his head almost instantly. And what he wishes someone had simply asked him earlier.

Burnout specialist and BACP accredited counsellor Francis Norton then joins to explain what burnout actually is, how to recognise it before it becomes a crisis, and why men in particular find it so hard to act on what they’re feeling until it’s already too late.

Timestamps

00:00 Introduction — How Do You Recognise Burnout Before It’s Too Late?

01:00 Introducing Jason Renshaw

03:44 No Father Figure — Growing Up Self-Reliant

04:30 When Did He First Know Something Was Wrong?

05:19 The Two Nights Before — Numbness, Dark Thoughts

05:55 When Did He Last Feel the Spark?

07:26 COVID Was When It Started — Seven Days a Week, Relentless

08:30 Imposter Syndrome Kicks In

09:52 The Root of It — Feeling Forgotten About as a Child

11:12 What the Breakdown Taught Him About Himself

12:10 Paying Off the Mortgage — and Losing His Purpose

13:51 What Made It Harder — and What He Wishes He’d Known

16:06 Childhood Self-Reliance Following Him Into Work

18:07 Reconnecting with His Real Father — and Ghosting Him

20:55 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Jason

22:44 Part Two — What Does Day-to-Day Recovery Look Like?

24:00 Medication

24:26 Reconnecting with Hobbies, Family and Life

25:30 Andy’s Man Club — He Was Not Alone

27:20 Mr Reliable, the Guy Who Doesn’t Say No

28:32 He Hadn’t Told Anyone — Not Even His Wife

30:20 What Would He Have Wanted to Hear?

32:30 The Power of Saying No

36:01 How Does the Future Feel Now?

37:29 What Is Burnout? The WHO Definition

38:30 Exhaustion That a Holiday Doesn’t Fix

39:20 Negativity as a Physiological Threat Response

40:28 How to Recognise Burnout in Yourself

41:30 Brain Fog, Dread, Procrastination — the Signs

43:00 Freudenberger’s Twelve Stages of Burnout — and Where Jason Fits

44:38 Depression as Opportunity — Coming Out with New Values

45:20 What Can People Do to Avoid Reaching That Point?

46:10 Why Men Find It Harder to Be Vulnerable

46:32 Dom’s Closing Reflection

Resources

Andy’s Man Club — free peer-to-peer support groups for men aged 18 and over, held every Monday evening across the UK:

ANDYSMANCLUB - It's Okay To Talk

If you are struggling with dark thoughts or need to talk to someone urgently, the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 116 123

You can find Francis Norton at Home | BurnoutCounselling

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

Do You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | Acast

What Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | Acast

Man Rebuilt - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 9

Man Rebuilt

Guest: Jonny Stannard — health, fitness and mindset coach, creator of Man Rebuilt

Episode Description

Jonny Stannard grew up above pubs, hotels and nightclubs in Lancashire. His parents were always working, structure was absent, and from early adolescence he was left largely to his own devices. At twelve he was drinking. By his mid-thirties, he was a fitness professional with a business, a wife, a daughter — and a Saturday night habit he couldn't shake.

This is a conversation about what chaos does to a kid, what it takes to rebuild yourself as a man, and why willpower alone is never enough. Jonny talks about the limiting beliefs he developed as a child, how alcohol became his substitute for connection, and what eventually made him stop. He also talks about the work he does now through Man Rebuilt — helping men who are busy, stressed, out of shape and self-sabotaging to get what they want out of their lives.

It's an honest, grounded conversation about identity, internal dialogue, discipline, and what it actually looks like when a man decides to change.

01:42  One Word for His Upbringing — Chaotic

03:00  What Was Missing — Structure, Not Stuff

03:48  Violence, Drama and a Nervous System on Edge

05:05  Old School Parenting — Pros and Cons

06:10  The Limiting Beliefs That Formed

07:50  Seeing Men Deal with Emotions in the Pub

09:08  Drinking Started at 12 — The Obvious Thing to Do

11:38  No Man's Land — 16 to 20

13:27  Training Changed Things — A Bit of Self-Respect

15:02  What Inspired Him to Exercise More

16:14  Alcohol Was Still Always There

17:35  Living Two Lives — Monday to Friday vs the Weekend

20:45  The Trigger — Not Being Present with His Daughter

22:38  Scared of What Other People Would Think

24:21  What Happened When He Finally Stopped

25:34  Sunday Morning with Options — The Pull of Sobriety

27:22  Man Rebuilt — What It Is and Who It's For

30:04  The Connection Point — Why Men Need More Than the Pub

30:58  What Triggers Men to Seek Help

32:50  The Biggest Resistance — Fear of Judgment and Fear of Failure

34:50  If You Keep Breaking Promises to Yourself

36:00  What Rebuilding Actually Looks Like

38:06  Why Six to Twelve Months Changes Everything

39:27  Fitness Is a Force Multiplier

40:30  The Little Boy Is Still There — And That's Fine

41:30  Where to Find Jonny

41:46  Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Jonny Stannard

43:16  Dom's Takeaway

You can find Jonny at

https://manrebuilt.com/about

Instagram

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 8

Navigating Masculinity Part 2

Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny

Guest: Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard — speaker, author and educator

Trigger Warning

This episode contains a continuation of Bernie’s story about his testicular cancer and the harrowing account of his sister Sarah’s murder by her abusive partner in 2012. If either of these subject matters are sensitive to you, please think carefully before listening.

If This Episode Has Raised Issues for You

If you or someone you know has been affected by domestic abuse or coercive control, the following organisations can help:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): 0808 2000 247 — free, 24 hours a day

Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327

Coercive control information: refuge.org.uk

Episode Description

In the second part of the conversation with Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard, the tone shifts. Bernie picks up from where Episode 7 left off — with his work in schools on testicular cancer, his session Life by the Balls, and the students who have kept him humble over the years.

Then he tells the story of his sister Sarah. In 2012, Sarah was fatally stabbed by her partner Ian Hope, who was convicted of murder and given life with a minimum tariff of 17 years. Bernie talks about what led up to that night, the failures in the police response, the changes that followed, and what he has done since to educate young people about coercive control and domestic abuse through his keynote Sarah’s Legacy.

The conversation then moves to the Manosphere — the manufactured male victim narrative, the misuse of statistics, the pipeline from online influencers to real-world attitudes, and what Bernie believes can be done about it. He talks about feminism, about the word itself, about the 31% of Gen Z men who now believe women should obey their partner, and about why education, media literacy and empathy remain the only long-term answers.

This is a serious, important and at times difficult episode. It is one of the most substantive conversations about male responsibility and violence against women that you will find on any podcast.

You can find Bernie as "What Makes A Man" on Instagram

Timestamps

00:27 Domestic Violence and the World Cup Statistic

01:08 Trigger Warning

02:12 Continuation — Testicular Cancer and Life by the Balls

02:51 Your Hands Are Down There Anyway — The Talk

03:18 The Best Questions Bernie Has Been Asked

05:55 The Other Reason Bernie Speaks in Schools — Sarah’s Legacy

06:05 Sarah’s Story — How She Met Ian Hope

07:07 The Escalation of Abuse and the Night of the Murder

09:09 What Bernie Felt — Disgust, Not Anger

10:04 The Saviour Complex and Bread Crumbing

11:08 What Happened on the Night — The Police, the Address, the Failures

15:20 What Changed as a Result of Sarah’s Case

17:19 The Government Strategy for Violence Against Women and Girls

17:53 Manufactured Male Victim — How the Story Gets Flipped

19:28 The Impact of Bernie’s Work in Schools

19:56 The Manosphere and the Amplification of Misinformation

21:05 The Statistics on Domestic Abuse Charge Rates

22:25 Boys in Schools Saying It’s Unfair — and What Bernie Sends Them

23:30 The Manosphere Pipeline — From Influencers to Mainstream

24:10 The Louis Theroux Documentary — What It Got Right and What It Missed

24:40 The Word Feminism — Dom and Bernie’s Discussion

25:46 31% of Gen Z Men Think Women Should Obey Their Partner

26:50 The Manosphere Pipeline and the Gileadisation of America

28:08 Rwanda Has the Highest Proportion of Women in Parliament

29:10 What Needs to Change — Education, Media Literacy, Critical Thinking

29:43 Empathy Light Bulbs — Nudged Between Empathy and Judgement

31:00 What’s Being Sold to Boys Now Is What Was Sold to Women for Decades

33:20 Thanks Bernie — Where to Find Him

34:05 Dom’s Closing Reflection

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

Do You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 7

Navigating Masculinity Part 1

From Anger to Understanding — A Journey of Growth

Guest: Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard — speaker, author and educator

Episode Description

Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard has spent nearly two decades working with young people on masculinity, equality, domestic abuse and men’s mental health. He’s delivered keynotes at Parliament and spoken to over 170,000 people in schools and organisations across the country. But before any of that, he was an angry young man from Aylesbury who got arrested on Oxford Street, smashed up a pub, and left school with an E and a U at A level.

In the first of a two-part conversation, Bernie traces the journey from that angry teenager to the man he is today. He talks about what was driving the anger — entitlement, a chaotic home, a grammar school that felt wrong, and an adoption he found out about at 17. About the moment a friend called him in rather than called him out, and how that changed the way he thought about women. About the college principal who gave him one last chance. And about what it took to finally allow himself to believe he was clever.

This is a conversation about masculinity and what it actually means to grow up in a man, not a boy.

You can find Bernie as "What Makes A Man" on Instagram

Timestamps

02:27 Why Was He Angry? Grammar School, Entitlement and Resentment

03:44 Getting Arrested, Smashing Up a Pub, Wrecking His A Levels

05:21 Finding Out He Was Adopted at 17

07:35 Feeling Lost — Cycling, a Stolen Bike and More Resentment

09:28 Leaving Aylesbury and Reinventing Himself

11:40 The Friend Who Called Him In Rather Than Called Him Out

13:05 How Long It Took for His Behaviour to Change

15:25 The College Principal Who Gave Him One Final Chance

16:45 The Lecturer Who Believed in Him

18:17 When Do You Think You Were a Fully Formed Man?

19:06 Becoming a Father — and the Man Box Around Caregiving

20:37 Active Dad but Not Taking the Mental Load

21:52 Val as the Initiator — Learning to Follow Her Lead

24:13 Kids Need Boundaries and Care

26:37 Banter, Friendship and Knowing When to Check In

29:34 Setting Up a Support Group for Friends After Mike’s Death

30:50 How Do You Deal with Grief?

32:03 The Man Box, Justifiable Rage and Not Accessing Feelings

34:08 The Feelings Wheel and Processing Emotions

35:58 What Took Him Into Schools

37:48 Enterprise Soapbox — 170,000 Young People

37:59 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Bernie

39:58 Dom’s Closing Reflection

Lines From This Episode

"Inside, this little boy had got completely lost in all of that."

"He took me to one side and said — you’re better than this. I know you’re better than this."

"No one learned anything through shame. Only to be quiet and never say anything again."

"I allowed myself to believe I was actually clever. I’d spent so long thinking it wasn’t cool to be clever."

"We spend so much of our time worrying about what we look like. We don’t consider much about our character."

"We can make ourselves as busy as we want. But sometimes we just have to go — how can I help?"

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

Do You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this bonus piece Dom celebrates his Mum's Birthday and talks about why Fathers Day is complicated for him

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What Every Man Needs To Know About The Menopause But Is Afraid To Ask

At any one time in the UK, 13 million women are going through perimenopause or menopause. That means every man listening to this knows someone affected by it — right now, or at some point in their life.

Joe Warner is the former editor-in-chief of Men's Fitness magazine and the author of Burning Up, Frozen Out — a book written specifically to close the biggest gap in the menopause conversation: men.

In this episode, Joe talks about what led him to write the book, why men so often make things worse without realising it, and what it actually looks like to be a useful partner during this stage of life.

Dom and Joe cover communication, the talk triangle, how to stop arguments escalating, the chapter on men's own midlife experience, the second mountain, the friendship gap many men fall into, and why strength training matters for both partners in midlife.

Also in this episode: couples psychotherapist Ambika Shekhawat on why women so often initiate couple therapy during this stage of life, and what men can do to better understand what's going on.

Plus Joe's Torque Ten quickfire questions.

Joe Warner Links

Website: hotflushcoldshoulder.com

Instagram: instagram.com/joewarneruk

Get the book: https://geni.us/4nQ1g

Ambika Shekhawat Link

Ambika Profile

KEY HIGHLIGHTS

00:42 Trigger Warning

00:54 13 Million UK Women — Why This Matters to Every Man

03:34 What Led Joe to Write This Book

06:17 Did Joe Face Resistance as a Man Writing About Menopause?

09:34 Is There a Generational Difference in How Men Understand This?

13:00 Why GPs Aren't Trained Well Enough on Menopause

16:00 Why Bringing a Male Partner to a GP Appointment Changes the Outcome

18:01 The Individual Nature of Symptoms

20:00 “Her Bullshit Buffer's Gone” — A Reframe for Men

21:34 Equity, Not Equality

22:27 Feeling Invisible — and Menopause as “The Second Spring”

24:02 Revolving Together, Not Apart

26:49 The Talk Triangle — Timing and Location

28:33 How to Stop Conversations Going Wrong

29:38 What a Hostage Negotiator Taught Joe About De-escalation

31:43 “You Always” vs “I Feel” — How We Talk About Needs

35:00 Dom's Own Experience

37:43 The Chapter on Men in Midlife

39:49 David Brooks and the Second Mountain

43:00 Two People, Both Lonely in the Same House

45:00 The Friendship Gap — What Men Leave Behind

48:00 Reframing Vulnerability as Availability

49:01 Strength Training — Why It Matters for Both Partners in Midlife

53:25 Why Women Often Initiate Couple Therapy in Midlife

55:04 How Couples Can Better Prepare

58:18 Men, Mothers, and Connecting the Dots

01:00:10 Dom's Reflection on His Own Mother

01:01:08 Help vs Support — What Men Can Actually Do

01:03:17 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Joe Warner

01:07:14 Dom's Takeaway

01:07:46 Next Episode — Andrew Bernard on Masculinity

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

Off Screen - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

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Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In the second half of his conversation with Dom, Freddie Woodward goes deep on the addiction he carried through his entire elite diving career — and for years afterwards.

From his first exposure to pornography as a child to daily use as a teenager, from six years of trying to quit and failing to the moment something finally changed — Freddie tells the full story. He talks about what it did to his relationships, his sense of self, and his ambitions. About the images that were leaked online at 22 and the eight years he spent running from the shame. About the identity shift that eventually made stopping feel different from every previous attempt.

Also in this episode: relationship and psychosexual therapist Olivia Luna on the impact compulsive pornography use has on couples, what she sees in her therapy room, and why secrecy — not the porn itself — is often where the real damage happens.

Plus the full version of Freddie's Torque Ten quickfire questions.

FIND FREDDIE

You can find Freddie on Instagram

@freddiewoodward.identity

@freddie_woodward

And on his Podcast

@divebeyondsportpod

Olivia Luna is a Relationship and Psychosexual Couple Therapist with practices in the heart of London.

She is the Founder of East London Relationship Therapy, based in Shoreditch, and Co-Founder of Central London Relationship Therapy, located in the Harley Street Medical District.

Alongside her clinical work, Olivia provides supervision to fellow practitioners and offers placements to trainee therapists.

Olivia Luna - East London Relationship Therapy

On Instagram

@e_l_r_t

KEY HIGHLIGHTS

00:28  Coming Up on This Episode

00:49  Trigger Warning

01:24  A Shoutout to Listeners in 14 Countries

01:57  The Addiction — First Memories and Early Exposure

04:28  How It Became a Daily Habit

05:29  The Reward System — Deserving It After Training

06:33  How It Changed the Way He Saw Women

08:00  Shame, Loss of Control, and the Productivity Cost

09:02  Novelty, Escalation, and the Infinite Scroll

14:04  When It Escalated — Sharing Images Online

15:46  The Leak — Images Going Public at 22

17:09  Eight Years of Shame and Buried Dreams

19:41  Identity Is the Fundamental Problem

21:23  The Statistics — 10% of UK Men, 60% of Under-18s

22:25  Six Years of Trying to Quit Alone and Failing

23:57  What Finally Worked — Reading, Psychology, Identity Shift

25:05  Why Willpower Alone Doesn't Work

26:07  The Relapse Cycle — How the Circuitry Reopens

29:55  The Most Taboo of the Common Addictions

31:23  Why It's Harder to Spot Than Other Addictions

35:00  The Wider Damage — Relationships, Objectification, Erectile Dysfunction

38:48  How Pressure Environments Create the Conditions for Addiction

41:18  Vulnerability as Strength — What Masculinity Actually Means

43:46  What Conversations Need to Happen

50:54  Torque Ten — Full Quickfire Questions with Freddie

56:43  How Compulsive Use Affects the Brain

58:54  What Couples Say

59:46  How Trust Gets Rebuilt

01:00:19  Shame and Secrecy — The Antidote

01:04:35  Dom's Takeaway — Destigmatising the Conversation

01:05:47  How to Find Freddie and Next Episode

PREVIOUS EPISODES -

From Patrol To Podium - Torque | Acast

Debunking Sleep Myths - Torque | Acast

Lessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | Acast

Diving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | Acast

We want to hear from you

Get in touch through

Email - [email protected]

Instagram / Facebook / TikTok - @mantorquexy

Subscribe and leave a review

Original music composed and used with permission from Alex Tilley

Video Editing for Socials assistance provided by Lily O'Connor

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.