Touring History

April 24th, 2025

LANE: Hello, and welcome to Touring History —the only historical recap show where we mine humanity's worst decisions… for your entertainment. I'm Lane.

DAVE: And I'm Dave. And if you're enjoying this on the toilet, congratulations—you're smarter than the Ottoman Empire. Let's begin.

📚 1800: The Library of Congress is founded

LANE: On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was founded. It now holds over 170 million items, including books, maps, photos, and, unfortunately, several Nicholas Sparks novels.

DAVE: Which, to be fair, are the only books in the collection that come pre-moistened from crying.

LANE: Thomas Jefferson sold them his entire personal library to restart it after a fire—which, ironically, is also how Dave paid off his bar tab in college.

DAVE: They didn't take books. They took kidney function.

🎤 Birthday Roll Call

DAVE: Happy birthday to Pulitzer-winning writer Robert Penn Warren, the only man to win for both poetry and fiction.

LANE: Because why just dominate one genre when you can ruin the curve for everyone?

DAVE: Also born today: Barbra Streisand, icon, EGOT-winner, and the only person whose sneeze has its own key signature.

LANE: And shoutout to Kelly Clarkson, born in 1982—America's first Idol and the only woman strong enough to survive From Justin to Kelly.

DAVE: Hey, it was either her or Clay Aiken. And let's be honest: Clay wouldn't have made it past 2007.

🩸 1915: Armenian Genocide Begins

LANE: Today marks the anniversary of the Armenian Genocide, when the Ottoman Empire began the mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians.

DAVE: A horrifying, deliberate campaign of ethnic cleansing that many countries still won't call a genocide—because acknowledging history is apparently harder than saying "sorry" at Thanksgiving.

LANE: It's one of the worst crimes of the 20th century, and yet it gets less press than a new season of Selling Sunset.

DAVE: To be fair, those realtors are monsters.

🚁 1980: Failed U.S. Rescue Mission in Iran

DAVE: In 1980, the U.S. attempted to rescue hostages in Iran with Operation Eagle Claw, which ended in disaster when a sandstorm and poor planning led to the deaths of eight servicemen.

LANE: It was like Ocean's Eleven if the heist ended with the Bellagio on fire and George Clooney crying in a helicopter.

DAVE: Also known as Ocean's Twelve.

🔭 1990: Hubble Space Telescope Launches

LANE: Today in 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Space Telescope… with a broken mirror.

DAVE: So yes, we spent $1.5 billion to send a blurry camera into space.

LANE: Eventually it was fixed and began showing us galaxies billions of light years away.

DAVE: Which we used mostly to make iPhone wallpapers.

🏭 2013: Rana Plaza Collapse in Bangladesh

LANE: In 2013, the Rana Plaza garment factory collapsed, killing 1,134 workers. It was a horrifying reminder of how cheap clothes often come at a high cost.

DAVE: So the next time you buy a $4 tank top online, ask yourself: "Is this worth someone else's life?" And if the answer is "yes," congratulations, you qualify for Amazon Prime.

📦 1971: FedEx is Founded

DAVE: FedEx was founded today in 1971, and they've been expertly losing your packages ever since.

LANE: Their slogan was originally "Absolutely, positively overnight"… until someone said, "What if it just lingers in Memphis for five days?"

DAVE: Seriously, every FedEx package has to go through Memphis, like it's trying to find Elvis.

🧔 1998: "The Most Interesting Man in the World" Campaign Debuts

LANE: Dos Equis debuted "The Most Interesting Man in the World" campaign today in 1998, giving us gems like: "He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels."

DAVE: This campaign made Dos Equis cool, proving that a fake Hemingway in a blazer could sell more beer than a Super Bowl ad featuring monkeys.

LANE: And, as always, he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does… he makes me feel deeply inadequate.

DAVE: He also once parallel parked a cruise ship, and fixed the Hubble mirror with duct tape.

LANE: All right, stick around—we'll be right back after this message from our sponsor. Which, unfortunately, is neither interesting nor well-dressed.

🎙️ [AD BREAK – Live Read: World's Longest Putt]

LANE: Tonight's show is brought to you by the World's Longest Putt—yes, that's a real thing. Not a metaphor. Not a crypto scam. An actual, physical, golf putt.

DAVE: That's right. You, a regular human with barely enough core strength to stand upright in a Trader Joe's checkout line, can now attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest putt ever made… and win $1 million dollars.

LANE: All you have to do is sink a 401-foot putt. That's four football fields. Or, if you're bad at sports analogies: approximately one emotional distance from your father.

DAVE: It's the dumbest thing I've ever wanted to succeed at. You could become rich not by investing in stocks or inventing an app, but by gently rolling a ball really far on purpose.

LANE: This isn't mini golf. There's no windmill. No clown mouth. Just you, a putter, and the crushing weight of physics.

DAVE: Go to worldslongestputt.com and register for a chance to make sports history—and possibly pull your hamstring in front of a cheering crowd.

LANE: Because some people are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some… putt their way there.

DAVE: World's Longest Putt. Come for the million dollars. Stay because you overshot the hole by 375 feet.

🪖 1184 BCE: Fall of Troy (Traditional Date)

LANE: Ah yes, the fall of Troy—aka the most overhyped gift opening in history.

DAVE: "Should we bring in this giant wooden horse left by our sworn enemies?" "Sure, what could go wrong?"

LANE: It's a good reminder that if something seems too good to be true... it probably has 40 Greeks in it.

🍫 1907: Hersheypark Opens

DAVE: Milton Hershey opened Hersheypark in Pennsylvania today, which was like Disneyland if Mickey was filled with nougat.

LANE: Originally meant as a leisure park for his chocolate factory workers—because what says "labor rights" like a rollercoaster called "The Cocoa Cruiser"?

☠️ 1967: Cosmonaut Komarov Dies in Space Accident

LANE: Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov tragically died today when his space capsule crashed during re-entry.

DAVE: And he knew the spacecraft was faulty before launch, but still flew it—because apparently in Soviet Russia, you don't cancel missions, missions cancel you.

LANE: He was a hero. A tragic, flaming, physics-defying hero.

📉 2004: U.S. Lifts Sanctions on Libya

DAVE: In 2004, the U.S. lifted economic sanctions on Libya. Because nothing says "bygones" like a handshake with a guy who once kept a tent at the UN.

LANE: It's not forgiveness, it's just... oil.

⚖️ 2018: Bill Cosby Convicted

LANE: Finally, in 2018, Bill Cosby was convicted of sexual assault, ending years of denial, lawsuits, and pudding pop commercials.

DAVE: The sentence was: 3 to 10 years. The vibe was: not nearly enough.

LANE: It was justice… ish.

🎙️ CLOSING LINE

DAVE: So that was April 24th—a day of genocide, galaxies, garment collapses, and a guy who's really, really into Dos Equis.

LANE: We'll see you tomorrow, where history will again remind us that humanity is basically just one long season of White Lotus—gorgeous views, terrible people, and someone always ends up dead.

DAVE: Good night, and remember: Don't open the giant wooden horse.

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