TOURING HISTORY PODCAST - MAY 29TH SCRIPT

Co-hosts: Lane & Dave Sponsor: Legends Athletic Wear (Legends.com)

 

 

OPENING

LANE: Welcome back to Touring History, the podcast where we prove that literally anything can happen on any given day, and somehow we're qualified to talk about it. I'm Lane.

DAVE: And I'm Dave, a man who just discovered that Constantinople fell on the same day someone climbed Mount Everest, which feels like the universe's way of saying "balance, my children, balance."

LANE: Speaking of balance, today's episode is brought to you by Legends Athletic Wear at Legends.com. Because whether you're conquering mountains or just conquering your morning jog, you need gear that won't give up on you before you give up on yourself.

DAVE: Which, let's be honest, happens faster than we'd like to admit. But first, let's celebrate some people who didn't give up on being born...

 

 

BIRTHDAYS WORTH MENTIONING

LANE: May 29th gave us some genuinely impressive humans, starting with John F. Kennedy in 1917. A president so charismatic that even his failures somehow looked presidential.

DAVE: Also born today: La Toya Jackson in 1956, who proved that being the "other Jackson" is still being a Jackson, which is more than most of us can say about our families.

LANE: Melissa Etheridge arrived in 1961, giving us rock music with actual substance, and Annette Bening in 1958, who somehow made being married to Warren Beatty look like a reasonable life choice.

DAVE: And Carmelo Anthony in 1984, a basketball player so good at scoring that he made an entire generation of New Yorkers believe the Knicks might actually win something. Spoiler alert: they didn't.

LANE: Happy birthday to all of them, and may they continue to wear comfortable, high-quality athletic wear from Legends.com during their birthday workouts.

 

 

THE FALL THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING (1453)

DAVE: Now, let's travel back to 1453, when Constantinople fell to the Ottoman Empire on May 29th. This was basically the end of the Byzantine Empire, which had been hanging on for over a thousand years like that friend who insists they're "almost ready to leave" at every party.

LANE: The siege lasted 53 days, which in medieval terms was basically a Netflix binge. Sultan Mehmed II finally broke through the walls, and suddenly the center of Eastern Christianity became the center of the Ottoman Empire.

DAVE: This event effectively ended the Middle Ages and kicked off the Renaissance, proving that sometimes the best way to start something new is to definitively end something really, really old.

LANE: It's like cleaning out your closet, except with cannons and the fate of civilizations hanging in the balance.

 

 

RHODE ISLAND FINALLY SHOWS UP (1790)

DAVE: Speaking of finally showing up, let's jump to 1790 when Rhode Island became the last of the original thirteen colonies to ratify the U.S. Constitution. They held out for three years, which is either impressive dedication to principle or the political equivalent of being fashionably late.

LANE: Rhode Island was basically that person who reads every single term of service agreement before clicking "Accept." Annoying? Yes. But also probably smart, considering they were agreeing to be part of a country that hadn't quite figured out what it wanted to be yet.

DAVE: They finally ratified it by just two votes, which means American history was nearly very different because of what amounts to a group project where two people actually did the reading.

 

 

WISCONSIN JOINS THE PARTY (1848)

LANE: Fast forward to 1848, and Wisconsin becomes the 30th state, because apparently America in the 1840s was like a really successful MLM scheme that just kept expanding.

DAVE: Wisconsin brought us cheese, beer, and the Green Bay Packers, proving that sometimes the best things come from places where the weather makes you question your life choices for six months of the year.

LANE: They joined right in the middle of the Mexican-American War, which was perfect timing because nothing says "we're ready for statehood" like joining during an active military conflict.

 

 

COCA-COLA DISCOVERS ADVERTISING (1886)

DAVE: But before we climb any mountains, let's pause at 1886 when the first Coca-Cola advertisement was published. This was humanity's first step toward convincing people they needed something they definitely didn't need but absolutely wanted.

LANE: The ad claimed Coca-Cola was "Delicious! Refreshing! Exhilarating! Invigorating!" which is either the most honest advertising copy ever written or the beginning of our modern relationship with caffeine-based optimism.

DAVE: Little did they know they were creating a template for every energy drink commercial that would follow, including the ones that somehow convince us that drinking sugar water will make us better at extreme sports.

LANE: Unlike Coca-Cola ads, when Legends Athletic Wear says their gear is performance-enhancing, they mean it actually helps you perform better, not just feel temporarily invincible.

 

 

STRAVINSKY CAUSES A RIOT (1913)

DAVE: Moving to 1913, Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring" premiered in Paris, and it literally caused a riot. Not metaphorically, literally. People were so upset by modern classical music that they started fighting each other.

LANE: This was before Twitter, so when people hated your artistic expression, they had to physically assault each other in person. It was a more committed time.

DAVE: The piece was so revolutionary that audiences couldn't handle it, which makes you wonder what those people would think of modern music where someone can become famous for fifteen seconds on TikTok.

LANE: Although to be fair, Stravinsky's music is still played today, while most TikTok songs have the lifespan of mayonnaise in the sun.

 

 

CONQUERING EVEREST (1953)

DAVE: Now we get to May 29th, 1953, when Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest, accomplishing something that makes all of our daily complaints about stairs seem pathetically inadequate.

LANE: They climbed 29,032 feet, which is basically the height of five-and-a-half Empire State Buildings stacked on top of each other, except covered in ice and with significantly less oxygen.

DAVE: Hillary famously said they climbed it "because it was there," which is either the most profound or most ridiculous reason to risk death I've ever heard. Probably both.

LANE: This achievement required gear that could withstand extreme conditions, much like Legends Athletic Wear, though admittedly with slightly lower stakes than potential death by avalanche.

 

 

FIRST BREAK - LEGENDS ATHLETIC WEAR

DAVE: This moment in history is brought to you by a brand that hopes to live forever, just like the Brooklyn Bridge.

LANE: That's Legends Athletic Wear at Legends.com, where quality meets performance in ways that would make even Edmund Hillary proud. Whether you're scaling mountains or just scaling back your couch time, Legends has the gear to get you there.

DAVE: Their athletic wear is built to last longer than the Byzantine Empire, which admittedly isn't saying much since that lasted over a thousand years, but still.

 

 

TRAGEDY IN BRUSSELS (1985)

LANE: Unfortunately, not all May 29th events end in triumph. In 1985, the Heysel Stadium disaster in Brussels killed 39 people before the European Cup Final between Liverpool and Juventus.

DAVE: What should have been a celebration of football became a tragedy when crowd violence led to a stadium wall collapse. It was a stark reminder that sports, which bring out the best in human achievement, can also reveal our worst impulses.

LANE: The disaster led to major changes in stadium safety and crowd control, proving that sometimes progress comes from our darkest moments.

DAVE: It's sobering to remember that behind every safety regulation is usually a story of someone who didn't make it home.

 

 

JANET GUTHRIE BREAKS BARRIERS (1977)

LANE: Let's shift to something more uplifting. In 1977, Janet Guthrie became the first woman to compete in the Indianapolis 500, which was basically like showing up to a boys' club and announcing you were not only staying, but you were going to drive faster than them.

DAVE: She finished 29th out of 33 cars, which sounds unimpressive until you realize she was dealing with mechanical problems, inadequate funding, and probably a fair amount of people hoping she'd fail.

LANE: Guthrie paved the way for future women in racing, proving that competence behind the wheel has nothing to do with what's between your legs and everything to do with what's between your ears.

DAVE: Plus, she had to do it all while wearing the automotive equivalent of what was probably very uncomfortable racing gear, unlike today's athletes who get to wear actually functional clothing from places like Legends.com.

 

 

REAGAN MEETS GORBACHEV (1988)

DAVE: In 1988, Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev began their Moscow summit, which was essentially a really high-stakes sleepover between two men who controlled enough nuclear weapons to end civilization.

LANE: This was Reagan's first visit to Moscow as president, and it happened during the final year of his presidency, proving that sometimes the best diplomacy happens when you're already thinking about retirement.

DAVE: They discussed arms control, human rights, and probably shared some awkward small talk about the weather, because what do you say to someone when you're both trying to avoid accidentally starting World War III?

LANE: The summit helped solidify the end of the Cold War, which is impressive considering it started with two countries pointing missiles at each other and ended with relatively polite conversation.

 

 

DEMOCRACY IN NIGERIA (1999)

DAVE: Moving to 1999, Olusegun Obasanjo was inaugurated as Nigeria's president, marking the return to civilian rule after years of military government. This was essentially Nigeria saying, "We'd like to try this democracy thing again, please."

LANE: Obasanjo had the unique distinction of being both a former military ruler and now a democratically elected president, which is like being both the person who breaks up the party and the person who gets elected to restart it.

DAVE: His inauguration represented hope for Nigeria's most populous nation in Africa, proving that sometimes the best qualification for leadership is having seen what happens when leadership goes wrong.

 

 

REMEMBERING SACRIFICE (2004)

LANE: In 2004, the National World War II Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C., honoring the 16 million Americans who served and the more than 400,000 who died during the war.

DAVE: The memorial took 17 years to complete, which seems like a long time until you remember that these people saved the world from fascism, so they probably deserved something that took a while to get right.

LANE: It features fountains, bronze sculptures, and 4,000 gold stars representing the fallen, creating a space where visitors can contemplate sacrifice that most of us can barely comprehend.

DAVE: The dedication reminded Americans that freedom isn't free, which is both a cliché and the most important truth we have.

 

 

JUSTICE DELAYED (2020)

LANE: Finally, we reach 2020, when Derek Chauvin was arrested for the murder of George Floyd, four days after Floyd's death sparked nationwide protests.

DAVE: This arrest came after millions of people demanded accountability, proving that sometimes justice requires not just evidence, but public pressure and sustained attention.

LANE: The case became a symbol of the broader struggle for racial justice in America, showing how individual actions can represent systemic problems.

DAVE: It's a reminder that history isn't just something that happened in the past – it's something we're all actively creating every day, whether we realize it or not.

 

 

CLOSING

LANE: And that's May 29th throughout history – empires falling, mountains conquered, barriers broken, and justice sought. It's been everything from triumphant to tragic, which is basically humanity in a nutshell.

DAVE: Thanks for joining us on this journey through time, sponsored by Legends Athletic Wear at Legends.com. Whether you're making history or just making it through your workout, make sure you're dressed for the occasion.

LANE: Until next time, remember that every day is history in the making, so try not to mess it up too badly.

DAVE: I'm Dave.

LANE: I'm Lane.

BOTH: And this has been Touring History.

 

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