Matt and Jeremy explore triangulation as one of the most common relational patterns in families and churches, often forming unconsciously as a way of managing anxiety or tension.

• Triangles are the most stable relational form, which is why they're so common and hard to escape
• Unhealthy triangulation occurs when two people talk about a third party not present with the goal of enlisting help
• Systems will focus energy on protecting their weakest parts at the expense of their strongest parts
• Pastors and leaders often get triangulated when people bring them "monkeys" (problems) that aren't theirs to solve
• Differentiation allows leaders to stay emotionally present while refusing to take responsibility for others' issues
• Recognizing when you're being triangulated helps you respond with "What do you think you should do about that?"
• The goal isn't to solve people's problems but to help them mature in handling their own challenges
• Breaking free from triangulation may disappoint people but ultimately creates healthier church systems

Whether you're a pastor, church leader, or simply someone who wants healthier relationships, this episode offers transformative insights for recognizing and resisting unhealthy triangles. Subscribe to the Church Renewal Podcast for more wisdom on creating healthier church systems where maturity can flourish.

Resources

• Edwin H. Friedman Generation to Generation (triangles & family systems in congregations)
  
• The Bowen Center “Triangles” (concept overview)
  
• Pete Scazzero Emotionally Healthy Relationships
• (clarifying expectations tool)
• (“Clarify Expectations” overview: 
• John & Julie Gottman Bids for Connection (how to notice/respond to bids)
  
• The 10 Minute Bible Hour (podcast Jeremy referenced)
  
• Jack Shitama — The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast (story about staying non-anxious / not catching the “Christmas Eve” complaint ball)
    (Book often paired with this topic:  — 
• Scripture passages cited on going directly to a brother/sister (not triangulating):
  Luke 17:3–4
  Matthew 5:23–24
  Matthew 18:15–17

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