Last week I received a birthday card from my mother after six years of silence. My first reaction was fear and anxiety.
In this episode I discuss the concept of forgiveness and spirituality as applied to my personal situation with my mother. I use my example to explore several topics that link in to forgiveness after giving some context of why I didn't realise I had been abused as a child. Mostly it was because I believed that abuse was hitting a child, malnourishing them or sexually abusing them. I did not know about the concept of gaslighting. This came way later in life.
Should I forgive my mother? She is going to be 90 years old next year and has been going to all my relatives telling them how heart broken she is about the wall I built between us. Am I being the cruel person by not allowing her back in my life? This is actually a different topic altogether than the topic of forgiveness.
In order to record today's episode without fear of repercussion, I have had to change my name, record it in a different language (although my mother speaks well enough English that she could listen to it - If she decides to though she will have been forewarned) and moved to another country. BeforeI did these three things I had constant ear throat and mouth infections from not being able to speak my truth that led to a sort of piece de resistance, so to speak, which was a cyst that grew on my thyroid and that led to emergency surgery as it was suffocating me. The truth I wasn't speaking was literally killing me.
Should I forgive my mother? Let's look at the word "should" and say that no one should be pressured into forgiving, whether it's the right to do or not. Forgiveness is an internal process that has to happen organically. Sometimes, time is a great healer but more often than not, it is not and we need an intervention such as therapy to help with the process.
In the words of Nelson Mandela "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies."
There is a benefit in forgiving someone or at the very least letting go of resentment (they can be two different things) but only if this does not involve gaslighting yourself.
I also wanted to add that there are things that I believe cannot be forgiven which involve intentionally causing harm to another.
One thing is for sure no one should tell you what to do when it comes to forgiveness because no one walks in your shoes.
At the end of the episode I offer a process that can help you let go of the negative feelings you may feel around what someone has done to you. If you need further help, though, particularly if this is contributing to your burnout, do book a discovery call with me by clicking this link. As a sustainable success coach, I would love to support you in letting go of relationships that cause you to be exhausted or at least to create some healthy boundaries around them.
