When Lauren Hayes became a mother in her mid-30s, her fierce independence and lifelong people-pleasing suddenly collided. Parenthood cracked open old patterns she didn’t know were running the show, like the “funny” family story about her as a child that led to the belief that she had to earn love to be worthy of it. Through therapy, self-inquiry, and later, an unexpected exploration of ethical non-monogamy with her husband, Lauren began to uncover what authentic love and connection actually feel like. In this candid, funny, and deeply human conversation, she shares how healing her “little-t” trauma helped her trust her own voice, redefine intimacy, and finally stop hustling for approval.

Guest Bio 

Lauren Hayes is speaker, author and relationship coach specializing in supporting ethically non-monogamous (ENM) couples, including swingers and the ENM-curious. She helps couples navigate and engage the swinging and non-monogamous community in the healthiest of ways. She holds the perspective that non-monogamous relationships share the same foundations of any healthy relationship, however, they need to operate at a higher level of health to accommodate the additional complexities. Her approach aims to help couples build their ideal relationship, regardless of whether or how many others it includes. She also brings personal experience to her coaching having been married for 20+ years and ENM (swingers) for the last 6+ years.

Turning 40 and Rewriting the Rules of Love

Lauren Hayes shares a story of courage, curiosity, and radical honesty. From an early childhood experience that left her believing she had to earn love, Lauren built a life of high achievement and independence. But when motherhood stripped away her identity and marriage revealed deep emotional patterns, she began the hard work of healing. That healing eventually led her, and her husband, to explore non-monogamy, a journey that brought her closer to self-acceptance, intimacy, and personal freedom than she’d ever known. Now a relationship coach and author, Lauren shares how learning to trust her own voice and desires transformed not just her marriage but her sense of self.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• How a “funny” childhood story revealed the root of a lifelong belief that she had to earn love
• The surprising ways people-pleasing shows up even in adulthood and marriage
• What happens when independence becomes a trauma response instead of a strength
• How becoming a mother cracked open her identity and forced her to redefine “being enough”
• What ethical non-monogamy is, and what it isn’t
• How exploring non-traditional relationships can become a path to deep personal growth
• The empowerment that comes from embracing your sexuality and using your voice

Lauren’s midlife transformation story is an invitation to examine the stories we tell ourselves about love, worth, and belonging. What began as a journey to fix what wasn’t working turned into an awakening to her own inner truth. Through therapy, personal growth, and open-hearted exploration, she discovered that love rooted in authenticity and self-knowledge is more fulfilling than love earned through approval or performance. Her story is proof that midlife isn’t a crisis: it’s a chance to rewrite the script and live in alignment with who you truly are.

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Guest Resources

Get Lauren’s book, “For Better or Even Better: 7 Lessons on Love & Life from a Non-Monogamist 

Connect with Lauren on Facebook 

Connect with Lauren on Instagram

Do you have the Midlife Ick? 

Download Stephanie’s guide to the Ick to diagnose whether you or someone you love is suffering from this insidious midlife malaise. www.thebigfouroh.com/ick

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The Big Four Oh Podcast is produced and presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications