Turning the Page

Criticism, shouting, or being ‘put down’ releases the hormone Cortisol into our blood system. It causes us discomfort. When we know this, we can take greater responsibility for our responses.

Four little words will send a shot of terror into a man’s soul.

‘We need to talk.’

On a local sports radio station, one of the presenters has a little audio cutaway with a deeply serious woman saying those words.

Every man has an instant flash of warning lights and hears alarm bells.

The brain brings us sentences such as

• What have I done wrong?

It doesn’t have to be a woman either. It could be anyone: an employer, a coach, a friend.

What words trigger you?

What happens is that these four little words, and variances of them, touch down on the shame/ failure button.

It’s an attack on our wellbeing, or at least that is the way the body hears it. We are in danger of something – real or perceived, and our body is ready to respond to the threat.

When shouting is involved in communication, it’s like a physical attack.

It may be words, but they can feel like a punch, a prod, a slap. It’s a power attack. ‘My voice is louder, I’m bigger, and I’m stronger.’

Again it’s an attack on our wellbeing, or at least that is the way the body hears it. We are in danger of something – real or perceived, and our body is ready to respond to the threat.

At the top of our kidneys, we have some little glands called the adrenal glands.

One of the hormones created here is Cortisol.

In my favorite book about men, women, and their differences, Patricia Love and Steven Stosny write this.

Cortisol is a hormone secreted during certain negative emotions.

Its job is to get your attention by making you uncomfortable so that your discomfort drives you to do something to make the situation better.

The pain a woman feels when her man shouts at her is caused by the sudden release of cortisol.

A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted with her unhappiness or criticism.

I’ve always heard about the importance of cortisol in the most threatening of situations such as when you might be under attack by a burglar, or if your house is on fire.

But what about your typical everyday life situations and relationships.  A little criticism here and there, a slightly raised voice. Non-verbal communication threats. A disturbing email lands in your inbox.

You feel threatened, and there is a release of cortisol. You respond in the most natural way to you.

Most likely, we will choose one of three responses.

1. Fight – give back as much as we have received and then some. We may lash out criticism or shouting.

This is our body responding to a threat.

What’s more, if we have had repeated threats over and over again, we get to know what is safe and what is not.

We learn that when we are in these situations, then there is a high chance of feeling uncomfortable (the adrenal glands doing their job).

It’s a cortisol hangover that we are trying to avoid.

He may look like he is avoiding her, but he is essentially trying to avoid a cortisol hangover for the next several hours. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny

We are ‘wonderfully complex’ as the Psalmist writes in Psalm 139:14.

Hormones are flowing here and there. Neurons are sparking off, and all are happening without any conscious thought from us.

We have a responsibility, though. Our response to others is our responsibility.

When we notice times when we want to criticize, shout, avoid, or seemingly freeze up, we need to take responsibility for ourselves and not blame the other.

‘You make me so mad’ needs to be seen as ‘I get mad when you do this.’ No one can make you mad without your permission.

Believe it or not, no-one can actually make you angry.

We need to ask ourselves some questions.

• Why are we responding in this way?

Then we need to look for ways to respond that are healthier, more gracious, and bring out the best.

Paul wrote this centuries ago, but it still applies today.

Be gracious in your speech.

• With heavy doses of cortisol, shame hurts like hell and drains off all available energy—all you want to do is crawl into a hole. Its message is that something is producing rejection or failure—stop it and cover it up! Patricia Love and Steven Stosny

1. How do you respond to various stressful situations? Fight, flee, or freeze?

Barry Pearman

If you knew me would you still love me? We all need others who will be strong enough to handle what comes from the inner world of each other.

When they had opened up, they looked at me and wondered if I would reject them. So many others had.

Are you strong enough to be my man

I like Sheryl Crow’s lyrics.

I know the person she is writing about. I have met them many times.

All with different faces and varying stories, but underneath the macho or the makeup there is an inner world of struggle and outer behavior of ‘throwing punches in the air’.

They want to be known, explored, discovered and touched but is there anyone strong enough to be able to do this with them.

They want their failing movements into their world acknowledged and affirmed but that requires honesty and openness.

They have beauty, too easily self dismissed, and they long to be embraced and cherished.

Being strong enough is to admit our weakness. That we don’t have all the answers and that we are also stumbling in the dark.

It’s not so much ‘the blind leading the blind and both falling into a pit’ Matthew 15:14 it’s more ‘I’ve got my dirty glasses on so perhaps I can walk beside you and we can find a path’.

Are you strong enough to own the weakness in yourself? That you don’t have it all together.

It can look very dark and ugly when people get real about their inner struggles. Their darkness can creep over you like an all-engulfing shadow that wants to swallow you up.

I’ve listened to those places. I’ve seen the black hole of despair and felt the pull.

You want to run because you don’t know what to do.

You always want to be able to do something, but it’s in the act of doing seemingly nothing, of just being there, that you are offering the most precious gift – your presence.

You hold a flickering candle of hope for them. It’s a compelling vision that things can be different.

That one has to pass through the night before the first beams of a sunrise can caress the face. That with the right direction another step forward can be taken.

This vision is not something grand and over the top. It’s more that things can get better a little bit at a time. It’s achievable.

People who are ‘strong enough’ say something like this.

‘I don’t have a perfectly clear plan of what is required to help, but I’m going to be consistent in turning up.  I will be there.’

It’s being honest about how much can be offered and then following through.

People who might ‘make the rules up as they go’ need those who have a solidness to them. It’s a consistency they might rail against but it's this relationship a mutual respect may develop.

What does it mean to be ‘Man enough’?

The Hebrew word for Male is ‘Zakar’ (Zac ab) and means to be one that remembers, recalls, calls to mind. It’s one who remembers then moves into the chaos of the world facing them.

Being ‘Man enough’ is to remember truth and goodness, then moving with grace, purpose and presence into the world of those who are ‘broken down and can’t stand’.

You don’t have to be macho to be a man.

Are you one that is strong enough to help another pilgrim with a heavy load?

I believe you can.

Love deeply. Care wisely.

• Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You

1. What strength do you fall back on when faced with someone in struggle?

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Barry Pearman

Photo by Arvydas Venckus on Unsplash

‘Shoulds’ can pile up on the shoulders and shape our thinking. But we have efficacy. We have the power to make a change and stop ‘shoulding.’ We don’t have to live under the slavery of a ‘should.’

It was always the same message. ‘You should be doing better.’ 

‘You’re not getting as good as grades as Bill and Clive runs faster than you. What’s the matter with you? You’re just not trying hard enough’. 

Taken on as messages of personal performance, we start to ‘should’ on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and make judgments about our performance. 

‘Well, at least I’m not like them’ or ‘I’m not as good as them.’ The pendulum swings from pride to self-loathing. 

We are given very clear messages about who we are to measure up against, and it is always someone else. 

Recently I won an escooter in a competition.

It’s pretty cool, and I decided to take it out for a spin. I came back, was telling my wife about my ride and how much fun it was. But then I went out, and some random bird had dropped a poop bomb on it.

How accurate was that bombing raid? Right where I put my feet was this white splash of bird poop. I should have brought it inside.

Many of us have been ‘shoulded on’ for much of our lives.

The ‘shoulds’ of others morphe into our internal voice. An inner critic sitting permanently within us expressing little snipes and barbs.

The ‘shoulds’ add up to become an obligatory oppressive weight bearing down on the shoulders.

I’ve known people who seem to be more like a beast of burden than a person of freedom.

A beast of burden is an animal that is used to carry heavy loads or to pull a cart or plow. The animal has little choice in the matter. The yoke is placed upon it, and it must labor under its rigidity.

But we are not beasts of burden. We have choice and efficacy, the power to make a change.

Religion has many ‘shoulds.’ The rules, the expectations, the rites of passage. All the little shoulds, both spoken and unspoken.

Here is but a few

• Go to church every Sunday

All of the ‘shoulds’ can carry a subtle little message. If you do these behaviors, then you will fit in, life will work out, and God will be pleased with you.

To disempower a ‘should,’ you need to replace it with a ‘could’ and then ask why.

If a ‘should’ implies obligation and offers a condemnation burden, then ‘could’ speaks of choice, efficacy, and the gift of options.

‘I should have called Dave’ can be changed to ‘I could have called Dave but didn’t because I don’t have his phone number.’

‘I should have Daves phone number’  can be changed to ‘I could get Daves phone number by calling Jim.’

If you’re ‘shoulding’ on yourself, dig a little deeper and ask why.

If others are ‘shoulding’ on, you ask why? Does it say more about them than it does about you? Are their expectations realistic to what you know about yourself?

Kristen struggles with anxiety and depression. She routinely stays in bed all day. It’s a dark world. On the outside, she looks healthy, able to function ok, and have a few friends.

So when her family says ‘You should get a job’ it’s like a sack of cement lands on her soul. She thinks, ‘I am useless. All my friends have jobs, boyfriends and I don’t.’ Shame crushes her back into her bed.

Perhaps though she could say to herself. ‘Do they know about depression, anxiety? Do they know how many times I have tried to stick at a job? Yes, I could have a job, but I know that at this stage of my recovery, having a job would cause me a lot of stress, too much for me to handle. Instead, my ‘job’ is getting well, going to see my counselor, exercise, and mindfulness.’

Kristen finds freedom from the ‘shoulds.’ The ‘coulds’ offer her the power to take the next step. Its all about the options, not the obligations.

‘I could have done that, but why didn’t I? Perhaps I need to explore why.’

A wise farmer will craft a yoke to the shape of the animal so that it is comfortable and doesn’t rub harshly.

Recently I met a lady whose business was to custom make saddles for horses. She would come and measure both the horse and the rider and then create a saddle that would be perfect for them both.

Here is what Jesus said.

 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30

I imagine Jesus coming and lifting off a heavy yoke of ‘shoulds’. Then moment by moment, shaping a yoke that fits perfectly to you. It’s light, comfortable, and serves instead of enslaves.

• The answer to having too much obligation in your life is to own your own choice – to quit playing the victim’s role and risk disappointing someone.  D. Riddell

Should; shouldn’t; ought; oughtn’t—the enemies of contentment. Frank Delaney

It’s hard to feel excited about God’s love when all your religion consists of is ‘count your blessings, pay your tithes, kick the devil, and don’t skip Church’. D. Riddell

1. How have ‘shoulds’ dominated your life?

Barry Pearman

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

Some trauma memories keep us locked into our past. But there is a cleansing that can happen. We need to bring ourselves to the presence of one who will wash us pure.

I didn't know what to do when they were sharing some of the stories of their past. I had known this person for decades, but only now, they were sharing something new, painful, and full of trauma.

It explained why they held certain beliefs, behaved in specific ways, and seemed to be haunted by a ghost of the past.

What could I do to help them with the wafting stench of an old trauma that was once again drowning their present?

You want to go back and stop the trauma, but there is no time machine.

Perhaps a quick prayer and get out of the trauma zone A.S.A.P.

'This person needs professional help,' and a thought of an escape route appears.

A dominant feature of when you have these terrible memories is the utter shame that you have them. You fear to have them exposed. You don't want anyone to know.

So you hide and try and sort them out yourself.

You feel like you're a 'second class citizen' to God, of being on the outside.

Everyone else is pure, good, and clean. God would love them but not you. Why would God love you with all this trauma? Not good enough.

Memories and traumas can pollute the thinking and stigmatize the soul. They shut down the true self from expressing itself.

In biblical times, and even in many countries today, there were a group of people kept on the outside of society. They were the lepers.

No one was to come near them. They certainly could not come before God. There were holiness requirements needed to be met. Washing, ritual inspection by priests, sacrifices, all required before connection and acceptance.

Jesus was one that was known for connecting deeply with those on the outside of acceptability. This was offensive to some.

He was also pretty harsh to those who felt outward appearance ('I've got my life together') was more important than the inner life.

Blind Pharisees! First cleanse the inside of the cup, and then the whole cup will be clean.

“Woe to you, Pharisees, and you religious leaders! You are like beautiful mausoleums—full of dead men’s bones, and of foulness and corruption. You try to look like saintly men, but underneath those pious robes of yours are hearts besmirched with every sort of hypocrisy and sin. Matthew 23:26-28

In one of the most beautiful stories of Jesus, we find him washing feet. He takes on the role of the lowest servant in a household and washes the feet of his friends.

He got up from the supper table, set aside his robe, and put on an apron. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of the disciples, drying them with his apron. John 13:4, 5

Jesus turns the world upside down. His disciples then and now are still in shock.

We used to have to wash before coming to God (Exodus 30:20), now God washes us.

For here’s what I’m going to do: I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean. I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. Ezekiel 36:25 

Those memories, traumas, moments where your life course was transgressed, they can be washed clean.

It won't take the event away, but the washing will clean off the pus and heal the wound.

The expression of a love that is greater than the trauma experienced will overwhelm the pain of the memory.

We learn of something greater than that which has locked us down to the past.

Our feet sense the presence of walking an ancient path of goodness.

Stand at the crossroads, and look,

Washing is a matter of ongoing prayerful attentiveness.

As memories come and float into your awareness, capture them.

Invite Christ to come with a bowl of pure, clean, sparkling water. Water that is full of truth and love.

See Christ pour water over your brain that washes through every neural pathway that contains those memories — replacing the pain with his presence.

Ask Christ to debunk the memory of the pain and fill it with an awareness of him.

Repeat this over and over again. Every time a trigger is pulled present yourself to the high priest (Christ) for cleansing.

Traumatic memories don't have to keep you bound to another time. We can ask Christ to wash our thinking with his presence.

• Grace is amazing, by disorienting us it properly orients us. Ronald Rolheiser

1. What is your immediate internal response to someone sharing pain?

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When chaos comes, or we become aware of the mess we are in, we have choices to make. Charge at it, retreat from it, or engage in the mystery.  

All the nicely laid out plans had been turned upside down. I had a recipe for life, and now all the measurements and list of ingredients had fallen off the page. It was a mess, chaos.

The question was what to do next.

The word chaos comes from the Greek word khaos – denoting a gaping void or chasm.

You’ve been there, I’m sure.

To varying degrees, we have all faced times when life was disordered, seemingly out of control, messy. It could be a relationship breakup, illness, job loss, a hurting family member or friend. Really anything that shakes your life to the core.

There is also the daily chaos that you walk in. Nothing is ever straight forward. There are always challenges, obstacles, and areas of confusion.

You want to move forward, but you don’t know-how.

You might retreat from the chasm, but it’s still there.  In that ‘no – mans land’ of indecision, depression and anxiety stalk around you looking to take you down.

I have found that there are generally three responses to chaos.

1. We charge at the chaos

Then there is Peter on the mountain when Christ meets with Elijah and Moses. He has to do something. He looks at the chaos and offers to make a tent. Matthew 17:1-4

We do the same. Its easy to make snap judgments, speak when we need to listen, determine how things should be. We act without consideration.

We want to avoid the struggle.

The chaos seems too much, and so we run and hide.

Like Adam and Eve, we gather up a few fig leaves and try to hide our vulnerability and nakedness.

All of the characters above had to come to a place where they engaged in the mystery of the chaos.

Life is not like a crime novel where the mystery is solved and you, the observer, can return knowing that all is well in the world.

Engaging with the chaos involves moving into it and asking questions which may have no clear cut answers.

We enter a dark room.  Stoping, we let our eyes adjust to the darkness and try to remember what we know of the layout.  We pray for the first glimmers of sunrise.

The first mention of chaos in the Bible is in the very first verses of the creation poem. It sets the stage for the rest of life.

The earth was without form [formlessness, confusion, unreality, emptiness]  and void [emptiness], and darkness [darkness, obscurity] was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering [to grow soft, relax] over the face of the waters. Genesis 1:2   Bible Hub

Over that place of chaos and mystery, God was in a place of softness, relaxed with what was happening. No stressing out.

Gods invite is to become relaxed with mystery and chaos, knowing that something good can creatively come out of it.

We then speak and ask for light to appear.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Genesis 1:3

We speak questions into this chaos, knowing full well that there may be no clear cut answers.

Then we listen for whispers of truth to guide our stumbling.  We pray for light to be spoken into darkness. A glimmer we can hold onto.

Mystery and chaos do not have to be feared. In the chaos, there is an invite to trust.

• “I want to be part of a church that neither reduces mystery to formulas to get what I want nor describes the Christian life in such lofty, abstract terms that I stay lost in the fog.  I want my church to help me identify the categories I can think in and reflect on as I decide how to navigate my way through life, as I make the thousand decisions that life requires me to make every day and handle its thousand challenges.” Larry Crabb Real Church,  Chapter 17, “Signposts Pointing into the Fog,” pp. 104

1. What is your most natural response to chaos?

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Barry Pearman

Photo by Giga Khurtsilava on Unsplash

Often life can feel like it's one step forward and two steps back, but with a few words of affirmation, another step can be taken. Affirm the small footprints of the struggle and evoke the good to grow.

He knew many people didn't like him. He had made commitments then broken them. His struggles were well known, and many had tried to help him, but he had burned them out. He was affirmation hungry.

There are many people out there that simply need a hug and to be told 'You're doing okay.'

Are you one of them?

I remember someone years ago suggesting to me that supporting people with Mental Illnesses is like seeing people taking one step forward and then two steps back.

Yes, there was some truth in this, but this person had not seen the journey underneath the relapse — the little learnings along the route of struggle and the necessity to affirm any steps taken.

The word 'affirmation' has a populist movement attached to it.

Self-help gurus encourage you to have a set of affirmations that you say to yourself each day to promote new beliefs and behaviors in your life.

But I have found that the very best affirmations have come from those who have listened well to the steps forward and the slipping steps back. They keep listening and offering me encouraging truth.

• 'I believe in you.'

To affirm is to assert that something is true. There is a solid assurance, a strengthening of position.

The bible tells the story of Abraham and Sarah and how God came to them in old age to say to them, they were to have a baby. Sarah laughs at this announcement.

It wasn't a laugh of joy. It was a laugh of disbelief, a mocking of a gift.

She had not connected into the larger story going on. There was a dismissal of God.

They said to him, “Where is your wife Sarah?” And he said, “There, in the tent.”  Then one said, “I will surely return to you in due season, and your wife Sarah shall have a son.” And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him. 

Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?” 

The Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, and say, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too wonderful for the Lord? At the set time I will return to you, in due season, and Sarah shall have a son.” 

But Sarah denied, saying, “I did not laugh”; for she was afraid. He said, “Oh yes, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:10-15

Sarah did not affirm the footprints of God moving toward her.

If affirming is to strengthen, then to not affirm is to weaken, to deny what is good and right. Sarah laughed at God and Abram.

What happens in you when you are laughed at?

For many of us, it will be a loss of confidence in who we are and what we do. We question whether God could be that good.

I remember as a child going fishing with my father at a beach called Te Arai. We would walk along the beach with our rods and a sack of fishing gear.

His large feet pressing into the sand and me semi leaping from footprint to footprint. Then we would come to the rocky outcrop that jutted out from the beach.

He would say to me to just follow the route he was taking. I would follow the edges and ledges above roaring seas, and he would affirm me as I jumped from rock to rock. I would gain confidence with every word.

When we listen well, we note the footprints.

We listen for the movement of something good, and we affirm it. It's like we bend down and firm the ground around their feet so they can keep moving onward.

Laughing, mocking, denying or rushing past will stifle the goodness that is there. We listen for the small millimeter movements of change, then we affirm them.

What this does in the other is that it releases confidence that they are being heard and when you feel deeply understood then you are more likely to share another word or two.

Good conversations evoke a confidence to speak.

In your conversations today listen for the footprints. Those places of movement where people are maybe taking one step forward but slipping back two. Listen for the struggle and affirm them for the effort made.

Ask God for the awareness of someone that needs affirmation, that sense that they have value and importance. Listen for the words they say and ask God to help you to notice the footprints that need firming up.

• A man’s deepest terror is weightlessness, the absence of solid substance that others recognize and appreciate. Larry Crabb

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one. C.S. Lewis

1. What do you need to do to affirm someone?

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Barry Pearman

Photo by Sahand Hoseini on Unsplash

Listening to others can be frustrating, but when we listen to our ‘self,’ we might find the key to compassionate listening to others. Going deep, where life is indeed happening, requires us to stop and be slow. Be quick to listen to your self.

I wondered why I was getting so angry and frustrated with them.

I had listened to them, shared some wisdom, and nothing had changed. Why wouldn’t they follow through and do what I wanted them to do?

Surface level listening will be ok for most of our communication needs, but for the deep, essential soul questions, it takes discipline to slow down and give focused, attentive space for the other.

In the Bible, a writer by the name of James gives this advice.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters:

Why would James include an emotion such as anger in a sentence about communication?

I believe that anger and frustration are often related to not having expectations met.

I ask my son to wash the dishes. He agrees but doesn’t do it. I get feelings of anger and frustration. The expectation of clean dishes wasn’t met.

He didn’t listen well to understand that this was important to me.

I didn’t listen well to understand that he had an important school assignment due tomorrow.

Had we both been quick to listen and slow to speak, we might have negotiated the problem better.

The conversation might have gone along these lines.

‘Would you be able to wash the dishes’?

If your feeling angry and frustrated with someone, then I would suggest that you might not be listening deep enough.

What are your motivations when you come to listen to others?

Here are some suggestions

Perhaps you want to

• Fix them

We enter into conversations for many different reasons, some of them not so noble.

So the first person we need to listen to is ourselves.

What is going on inside of us?

This is a discipline of laying aside our agenda for the sake of someone else.

Listening to the other is going to require slowing down on your behalf and asking questions with no agenda other than to understand.

You may want to ask these questions.

• ‘Tell me more. I want to understand.’

Watch the tone of your voice. Note your body language.

Anything that expresses anger or frustration will shut the communication flow down.

The writer James wasn’t just talking about communication. He was focusing on connection. That a conversation would go to a place where there was a deep connection of the soul to soul.

This is what we long and crave for.

Someone who will get us. Having another wanderer who can share our journey.

Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love

Over the next week listen for signs of anger and frustration in your life. How many of them are due, in part, to not have been deeply listened to?

You can’t control others, but you take responsibility to be a good listener yourself. Look for moments in conversations where you can take the conversation into connection. Ask further questions where you seek out more clarification?

• Competent people do a good job—dentists, plumbers, schoolteachers, and technicians—but it is inadequate people, people who know that they are inadequate, that become effectively usable by God, by the Spirit of God in the work of Soul Care. Larry Crabb

1. Why do you think we are more likely to be quick to speak and slow to listen?

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Barry Pearman

Photo by Anita Peeples on Unsplash

When we keep looking at the mountain of struggle, we can feel crushed, but when we know someone greater than the mountain is with us, we can find the help we need. Mountains move when we meditate on Gods goodness.

Where I live, I’m surrounded by mountains. They’re not very high mountains. The highest peak is only 196 meters high and has the name Mt. Eden and is a dormant volcanic cone.

The highest mountain I have been up to is Pikes Peak near Colorado Springs. At 4302 meters it’s so high that the breathing is difficult, but the views are fantastic.

When you go to a place where there are many mountains it can be imposing.

They dominate the scenery. Everywhere you look you see this fortress looming up into the sky.

When you are at the base of the mountain, you look up, and you feel small. Tonnes and tonnes of rock piled up. It’s awe-inspiring, but it also blocks out the sun.

In the shadowed valleys it can get bitterly cold and dark.

There are times when many of us can feel overwhelmed and undermined by the sense of living under a mountain. Guilt, shame, failure, loss, depression, anxiety bear down on us.

It’s always there. It won’t shift, and it looms heavy with a cold shadow.

We try to scale the mountain, fight against its slide. Perhaps we were never meant to fight the mountain anyway.

The Psalmist writes this.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

There are many interpretations of what this beautiful psalm might mean.

I think that the poet fully understood the dominating effect of a mountain.

They look up at an imposing mountain: the struggle, the challenge, and the hard work. In our day, we would look for the chair lift or cable car — the quick, easy, and safe option.

The Psalmist never had google he only had God. The best option was to build a life of intimate prayer.

The help needed came from an intimate heartbeat relationship with God.

I have mountains in my thinking I want to move.

Something I have found is that the more I focus on the mountains, the more I become mesmerized by them. They draw my attention in so that nothing else matters.

My attention shifts away from the ‘maker of heaven and earth.’

The Psalmist calls us to look at the creator, not the mountain.

Those mountains of trouble won’t last. They are temporal. God is eternal.

It’s surprising how when we shift our gaze back onto the creator, the fueled feelings can change. They seem to lose their power in the presence of the all-powerful.

As we commit our mountains, hills, and road bumps to our walking companion, we learn to listen for the conversation going on.

Together we find alternative routes through. The struggles lose their power to dominate our thinking.

Mountains move when we find Gods goodness.

Name the mountains in your life, then notice every time that they form in your thinking. Gently bring your gaze back to Jesus, who is walking beside you. As you gaze on Jesus and listen to his words, note how the mountains lose their power.

A reflection on the road to Emmaus

• Believing all of my emotions is the shortest way into the loop of insanity. First the truth, then faith in the truth, then the feelings will come around. D. Riddell

1. What are the mountains that get your attention?

Barry Pearman

Photo by Kyle Johnson on Unsplash

One failure in life seems to collect another failure, but love can cut through any collection of failures. We need to listen for the shame that has been collected then meet it with heartwarming arms.

If you can talk about failure, you can talk about anything.

As he opened up and talked about his failures, I wondered what I was supposed to do.

Questions rumbled through my mind.

• Was he genuine?

No, he owned the failures. He was taking responsibility for the mess he had made of life, and he just wanted me to know.

She told me the story of a time where she had made a terrible decision.  Now, this failure had other failures clinging to it. The weight of it was taking her down. She wanted me to know. 

One of my less than desirable jobs as a gardener is to clean drains.

It’s fascinating how one little twig will get caught on the side of a drain. Then, later on, another small branch will come downstream and collide with it. They knit together.

Then some leaves float down and mesh in amongst the twigs.

Fine silt washes into the knitting and builds a base. Then weed seeds settle on the soil, spread their roots, and block the drain.

It stays blocked until something quite abrupt and unsettling comes and disturbs the clog. Usually, it’s my spade driving deep and long into the mess and cleaning it out.

Some people collect stamps, some china dolls, most of us collect our failures.

Little failures snag into our life. They bind and weave themselves into the psyche. Then another failure happens, and it twists itself in.

Failures accumulate, and you take on the personality of a walled-up dam.

You see yourself as a failure. Any successes and any joys get shredded down to being yet another failure.

When understanding failure, it’s crucial to know the difference between shame and guilt.

Guilt is focused on a behavior that has been done. ‘I did something wrong.’ I am guilty of stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. I did it. I own the action I took. I own the thinking that led me down that pathway to opening the pantry door, prying open the tin and devouring the cookie.

Shame is focused on the self. ‘I am bad.’ I am a cookie thief, a notorious biscuit bandit. I steal, rob, and destroy cookies. I have the full personality of a cookie criminal.

Guilt: I made a mistake.

How many of us have a deep belief that we are a mistake?

When I was researching for the post Why Men Don’t Talk I received this message on Facebook  as a reason why men don’t talk

‘Being told as a child that “You’re a failure,” “You’re useless” “You’re a parasite” “You know nothing.”

Tears welled up in me when I thought of a small child being hammered with shame. It’s abuse, emotional abuse.

Like little twigs gathered together, these would have collected further shame messages that floated by. They would have dug deep into this mans thinking.

Shame collects shame like a rotting carcass collects flys. It’s repulsive, smelly, and ultimately destructive.

It’s love that shatters shame.

We don’t want to talk about our failures as failures can be shame buttons.

Talk about them, and others have the opportunity to push the button and spread the word that you’re a failure.

Jesus and Peter were the closest of friends. Where Jesus went, Peter went.

You couldn’t separate them, and so in the time when Jesus needed Peters friendship the most, you would expect Peter to be bound right next to him.

Peter denied even knowing Jesus. Slap in the face to Jesus. The message to Jesus was ‘You’re truly alone.’

A natural consequence you would think to this behavior would be Jesus rejecting Peter.

‘I can’t trust you anymore;

I would love to know what that first conversation between Jesus and Peter was like after this event. What were the verbal and non-verbal messages being sent and received?

I wonder what happened? We don’t know.

We know that on the third meeting, Peter leaped out of a boat, swam to the shore and warmed himself around a fire Jesus had built. Words flowed, and love exchanged. Peter was restored, and the vision was resurrected.

Here is what I think happened in the first meeting.

I think forgiveness flowed and shame got shattered by love. Like my sharp spade cutting through the dross of a drain.

Paul knew the dark shadow of shame well, and I believe that it was his ‘thorn in the flesh.’

He also knew about love.

Love keeps no record of wrongs 1 Corinthians 13:5

When we love well, we don’t keep a record of what this person did or did not do.

We learn to let it go. No shaming of others for past offenses. We don’t enslave them to the burden of another time.

We don’t shame ourselves either. Self-love is as valuable as loving others. We forgive ourselves and learn from our failures.

You’re not a wretch so don’t sing yourself into a shame-based spirituality.

Read more – Self Compassion for a ‘Wretch like me.’

Perhaps some loving self-talk might shift the silt of shame.

I am not the man I once was.

One failure in life seems to collect another failure, but love can cut through any collection of failures. We need to listen for the shame that has been collected then meet it with open, loving, and forgiving arms.

• Shame causes us to see our identity as flawed rather than seeing ourselves as having flaws. Dan Allender

1. What stops us from talking about our failures?

Comparisonitis – The Compulsion to Compare Yourself

Self Compassion for a ‘Wretch like me’

Mental Health is … Giving Grace to Failure and Rethinking Expectations

Barry Pearman

Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash

Men aren’t talking, but they need to. We need to enter the cave of man’s mind and encourage him to talk. Words flow when we listen well.

It was early in the morning, and I was driving to the first job of the day. The day was starting dark, cold, and wet, and I was listening to the radio when I heard a deep and serious voice come to my ears.

Friday, August 9th [2019] is Radio Hauraki’s ‘No Talk Day.’

Last year, 668 Kiwis took their own lives.

On average, more than 1 Kiwi male took their own life each day.

Sometimes men feel they can’t open up about what’s affecting them

Which is why on August 9th on Radio Hauraki, we’re not talking.

We’re not talking, so you can.

If you’re thinking someone you know might be struggling, it’s time to reach out.

Ask them they feel.

We know it’s hard, but it might be the most important conversation you ever have.

NO ANNOUNCERS NO NEWS NO TRAFFIC NO ADS

It got me thinking about why men don’t talk and why I don’t either.

Of course, men do talk, it just may not be about what truly matters.

We’ll talk about sports, politics, cars, technology, work, etc.

As we go fishing, we will talk about the surface of the sea, but will avoid fishing up the true monsters of the deep.

Read more by going to the blog post