Two Assholes and a Mic

Send us Fan Mail

Sweenis is back, and this one starts with the WoW Forever beta reopening for one last round of absolute chaos—endgame gear dropping for low-level characters, level 60 infernals murdering everyone outside the starting zones, and a giant abomination apparently leveling up every time it kills somebody. From there we somehow end up discussing Robby’s potential Robotnik mustache, bee venom in natural honey, old G.I. Joe parody videos, and a new game called RV There Yet? where Robby drives off mountains, gets chased by bears, screams at snakes, and watches his brother disappear through a bridge. Then it’s gaming graphics nostalgia, old Japan stories, planking on tank boxes, and the dumb shit we were doing as teenagers before finishing with an Am I the Asshole? involving parents who apparently spent their daughter’s $80,000 college inheritance on her older sister. 

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with Ian getting way too high and reading Lost in Space, which somehow turns the formation of the solar system into the equivalent of a 12-hour human pregnancy and gives Robby the perfect opportunity to make it weird almost immediately. Then the new Am I the Asshole? segment comes back with a wedding singer argument before completely derailing into a bedroom disagreement involving “Daddy,” “Grandma,” and one of the funniest ways imaginable to prove a point. After Robby finally stops crying from laughing, it’s straight back into WoW Forever: stress-test performance, new computers, chicken enchiladas, smoked turkey plans, legacy points, class balance, and figuring out which characters we actually want to main when the game finally launches. We also learn that apparently no character name is safe once the nerds get there first. 

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with both of us running on questionable sleep schedules before immediately getting sucked back into WoW Forever and planning our undead paladins, including Ian landing on the extremely stupid but somehow perfect name Buzz Blightyear. From there, Ian finally corrects the record on the “mythical albatross” and explains what actually happens in The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Then Robby introduces a new segment with an Am I the Asshole? story about an elderly neighbor, trash cans, and whether helping someone is still the right thing to do when they come at you with an attitude. The back half turns into Japan nostalgia, stories about strangers going way out of their way to help, insanely efficient road crews, and a long detour into Japan’s declining birth rate before we eventually confirm that the answer is considerably less weird than the theory we started with.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one turns into a full-on trip through old military TDYs and the kind of stories that somehow get better the further removed you are from them. There’s a half-remembered Vegas scavenger hunt, Japan and Korea trips, Wolfpack Park, broken pinkies ruining deployments, and the legend of Melty Face—a man apparently capable of being blackout drunk for 186 out of 188 days. Then Robby takes us to Guam, where he tried to pet wild sharks, absolutely destroyed his back with a sunburn, discovered possibly the greatest Hooters on Earth, and ate his way across the island. From there it’s white-sand beaches, sunglasses becoming mandatory equipment, and Eglin’s climatic lab somehow producing snow inside a hangar before turning the same place into a 120-degree desert. Naturally, it all ends with sake, ramen, Pepper Lunch, airplanes, and missing Japan.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with Ian experimenting with mysterious little patches that are apparently improving his dopamine, metabolism, and—most importantly—his ability to actually take a shit more than once a week. Then Ian cracks open his new Neil deGrasse Tyson Lost in Space book for the first time, which sends us straight into comets being “dirty snowballs,” ultraviolet light, the ridiculous scale of the solar system, terraforming Mars, and whether an ancient civilization could have nuked the planet and abandoned us here on Earth. Naturally, that turns into pyramids, Martian sphinxes, lost technology, aliens, and our mind brains desperately trying to make sense of shit we don’t understand. We also compare Roxy and Slinky’s intelligence, learn about dogs apparently getting their noses scrambled with cocaine during WWII, revisit relativity and why gravity fucking with time still makes no sense, and finish with Robby explaining exactly why the Avatar: The Last Airbender movie completely fucked up the pacing.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with Robby blow-drying his mustache into submission and Ian finally explaining why the hell he’s always recording from his car. From there, we somehow get into journaling and whether writing down your darkest thoughts is therapeutic or just conveniently creating evidence for later. Robby still hasn’t called about his missing Slingshot, we struggle to remember what a recurring bill is called, talk about running everything through credit cards for points, and once again decide gravity is basically fucking magic. Then it’s back into WoW Forever: avoiding burnout before launch, paladin mana problems, talent builds, cooldowns, muscle memory, and Robby’s headset deciding it would rather reconnect to his computer mid-podcast. After restarting, we compare expensive earbuds to cheap headsets, discuss tinnitus, Texas heat killing trees and apparently the power grid, establish that Ian is affordable, not frugal, devise Robby’s future career begging for Meta glasses with dogs in the background, and finish with the horrifying revelation that Robby enjoys chewing his orange juice because pulp is apparently “little orange capsules of awesomeness.” 

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with Roxy and Slinky doing their usual size-mismatched dog bullshit before we get distracted by feeding schedules, giant dog crunches, and whether Roxy is secretly patrolling the house all night. Then it’s time for random facts, and Ian chooses the deep sea—which immediately turns into four-hundred-year-old Greenland sharks, colossal squid with rotating hooks, metal-armored snails, red camouflage underwater, zombie worms that absorb nutrients from whale bones, and goblin sharks with nightmare fuel for jaws. Naturally, goblin sharks remind us of Xenomorphs, so the conversation derails into Alien, Predator, Prometheus, Covenant, and which franchise is actually better. Robby prefers Predators because they have honor and intelligence; Ian leans Alien because the movies are better. We finish by discovering Robby has somehow never seen Alien or Aliens, admits he’s a jump-scare bitch, and blames Puppet Master for childhood trauma. 

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with a mystery pile of pee, an ancient Alienware laptop, and Robby showing off his Coraline nails before we inevitably fall headfirst back into WoW Forever. Ian decides he wants two mains—one Horde and one Alliance—while Robby tries to settle on a family surname for his ridiculous number of characters. That leads us from Gloomhammer to Albatross, Ian badly remembering The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and the important clarification that albatrosses are, in fact, real fucking birds. From there we start brainstorming weapon-based names like Gloomglaive, Gloombringer, and Gloomcrusher, while Robby works Autumn, Willow, Lego, and mechanic references into future characters. Then it’s full nerd mode: twinks, Warsong Gulch, Arathi Basin, Alterac Valley, talent trees, hybrid builds, and online calculators—before Robby’s new headset raises the eternal question of whether to keep the old $300 pair as a backup or sacrifice them to Autumn.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

Sweenis is back again and at this point we’re not even sure he qualifies as a guest anymore, so we unofficially promote him to honorary host before immediately getting distracted by pet snails, stink bugs, trash juice, and dogs that know they’re supposed to run away after they fart. Robby discovers that removing his phone case may have finally solved months of overheating and disconnects, we get into painful tattoo spots, challenge coins, terrible WoW Forever character names, and Sweenis’s plan to work just long enough to pay off basically everything he owns. Then the conversation circles back to Ian’s never-ending house saga—but this time the mortgage offer is actually in and the solicitors are working toward exchange and completion. Naturally, Robby immediately reframes the entire purchase around what really matters: he finally has a base of operations in Europe for pub crawls, Ireland trips, and whatever other bullshit happens once everyone gets passports involved.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

This one starts with Robby planning out WoW Forever character names, including Tauren ideas like Spicy Buffalo Wing and Kicking Wing, before we wander into dwarf haircuts, tiny tanks, dog names, five-spice seasoning, sesame oil, wings, and Robby trying not to spend his cash at the bar. Then Roxy takes over the conversation, which somehow leads to giant-dog logic, strong-willed Cane Corsos, and Robby spotting what he is convinced for a few seconds is a fucking pterodactyl flying over the yard. Ian tells the story of Brooke successfully fucking with him over a jam roly-poly while he was high, Robby revisits an old knockout video, and the mortgage application finally sounds like it might actually be nearing an answer. We finish by shopping for Irish Wolfhounds, comparing dog-sized excavation projects, and deciding that Roxy’s giant hole absolutely needs to become a black hole swallowing Robby and his John Deere in a future comic strip.

Support the show