Forget rationing water and building shelter, this week we're stranding ourselves on a desert island with the worst possible survival kit. From smuggling in a hospitalised F1 driver to a baby nobody remembers boarding with (questionable parenting, excellent content), we rank the items we'd drag into chaos with us, purely to make the situation worse. No logic. No sense. Fair warning: we've got a solid 48 hours before Chloe goes full castaway crazy, so buckle up.

Expect tangents, terrible decisions, and the kind of strategy that would make any generic survival film look like a basic bitch. Listen if you've ever wondered what not to pack.