In this episode, we're discussing Boundaries!

This is part 2 of 2. The next episodes will be about Power.

The Co-Host is Jenna Bowers and here's where you can find her work (and another cameo of her familiar Willoughby): TheWayWitch • Instagram • TikTok • Facebook

• 0:00:00 Intro Credits
• 0:01:06 Introduction Chat with Content Warnings: swearing; all sorts of descriptions for boundary crossings and violations. Just, so many.
• 0:04:29 Grounding Prayer
• 0:05:24 Jenna Intro
• 0:06:10 The biggest barrier to "setting boundaries" in our American Culture is the false idea of individualism - Boundaries require collaboration or at least acknowledgment, and discovering you didn't have as strong boundaries as you thought is painful no matter the other intersectional privilege
• 0:09:38 Exercise: step 1 - where is ME, where are my current boundaries, where do I want them to be, where do other people have them?
• 0:11:34 Interjection: in cases of long-term coercive control, especially with children, there might not be a bastion in their mind; Victor Frankl went into the holocaust already a trained psychologist
• 0:13:11 Interjection: Anne of Green Gables used imagination to survive trauma, but she is depicted as having a secure family for her first 3 years of life
• 0:14:20 Exercise: Step 2 - how rigid or flexible do I need my boundary in this realm with this person to be?
• 0:15:33 Exercise: Step 3 - In what realm(s) are the boundaries you are setting? and, over what span? and again, research/investigate how others are managing boundaries even in overwhelming situations.
• 0:17:30 Exercise: Step 4 - Boundary versus Ultimatum or "empty threat"
• 0:22:51 The way you set boundaries is (1) where can I set them now (2) how rigid or flexible right now (3) What realm do I need to set them in (4) What can I do if they are crossed or violated? and (5)1234 evaluate-circle back around
• 0:23:42 Reflections? important clarifier for steps 1-3: what is it I need here? and self-contained ways to enact No. 4 of What Can I Do If...
• 0:27:32 Interlude into Dissociation and Freeze as valid and necessary responses as Step 4 if that's what power you have. All human responses have times when they are the appropriate response, and maybe a lot of times they aren't.
• 0:30:10 Considering that what you have access to is what you have access to, how do you start experimenting with establishing and expanding on responses for Step 4 and revisiting steps 1-4?
• 0:31:09 Interjection: sometimes boundaries are further crossed and violated and so the next step is distance or estrangement if that is possible; that usually comes only after many iterations of the experiment are done. Full estrangement or "canceling" almost always occurs because something in the interactions or the environment has already shown copious evidence of an inability to trust that boundaries will be respected.
• 0:37:27 Summary of self-based resources for Step 4... Is it only removal of self? You may have community and society to rely on, and have more power and influence than you think. If you don't have power up and down the current hierarchy, that's why Trickster Gods gave us models for lateral moves. Again, it needs experimentation.
• 0:43:57 Inaccurately told story of musician Afroman whose house was invaded by police so he made a music video, accurate details in show notes below
• 0:46:51 Cameo / Guest Appearance by Jenna's familiar Willoughby reminding us that sometimes Fight/Verbal aggression and willingness to escalate is also acceptable
• 0:47:52 Summary of Step 4: You figure out what works, under your solo power, under your community power, or lateral-move power, and you keep experimenting.
• 0:48:30 Bonus Interjection with Current Event thoughts about Unions and boundaries but a timer on my phone cut it off mid-rant and I just can't record any more audio before publishing. Ah well.
• 0:55:57 Outro and Credits

Here's my proposed method of finding your own boundaries:

1. Develop a sense of yourself and you-ness; how far does your influence reach? Is it centered on yourself or do you need to work towards that goal? Wherever you can find your safest, most secure edge, that's where you start setting boundaries.
2. How flexible or rigid do you need this boundary to be?
3. What realm do the boundaries need to exist on? Physical (walls), emotional (no longer co-regulating another person), time or priority (I will not fetch you coffee if I have a project deadline)
4. Figure out how you will tell if the boundary is crossed, and what you will do to enforce the boundary or find a way to get to a safe space. Boundaries and Consequences are not the same as Ultimatums and Threats.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 in many situations with many people and systems.

References mentioned in the show can be found in the show notes!

This is Under the Umbra: Using Empathy and Collaboration to Navigate a World of Shadows. In each episode, Electra and the co-hosts explore ways to think about and plan for difficult relationships with people and systems in a way that stays grounded in values and centers community. I invite you to try out focusing on Empathy and Collaboration as a realistic and compassionate model for interpersonal interactions. If you find yourself Under the Umbra, let's find our way back to the light.

Find the show's home at Under The Umbra dot Info

Support the show via Patreon.com. Thanks to KC and Ellery for supporting the show!

This podcast was created, recorded, edited and produced by me, Electra, and brought to you by Bridge to Becoming LLC. Music is by SoulProdMusic on Pixabay and used with permission. Show art is by Lo Carter, 2023. Subtitle selected by Vera Alcorn!