Set your intention to stunned as Captain Handsome goes in search of lost pills, including one which promises to catapult him to the ultimate stage of evolution by transforming him into a being of pure energy within Virtual Space Industries’ mainframe and connecting him to all the world's computer systems, which would presumably be helpful for his internet-making job. Meanwhile, Beautiful Fairy Princess—armed only with a basket of symptoms, and unwisely rockin’ Rolla’s—bravely does battle with a printworm, a faulty toilet, the integral state, scientism, and a pigeon couple.

Will it be enough to save us all from the tyranny of Thought Leaders? Do we need an ethnography of LinkedIn? Are Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Elisabeth Shue and Elizabeth Berkley all the same person? Is the real spark-based economy the friends we made along the way? Tune in to find out!

What to say about Bossy Rossy this week? That he’s for incentives? Sure. That he’s against negotiation, particularly with himself? Clearly. That he causes arousal in weirdos? Apparently. That he’s driven away his personal trainer? I mean … it does kind of sound like that might be the case, yeah. Which is sad.But what of [insert topical rhyming name here] Helen? Is she, like Jacques Lacan, every woman? Perhaps. Will she ever fulfil her destiny by killing Brené Brown? Doubtful. Did she clear any of the music that she plays in this episode? Reply hazy; try again. Has she unwittingly recreated an iconic Mr Show sketch by asking listeners to email her in response to episodes recorded weeks in advance? Write to her and find out!

Having successfully recovered from a debilitating bout of Third Episode Syndrome at a place built like a marble schvitzhouse, Beautiful Fairy Princess discovers that self-loathing is expensive; a harsh truth that also sounds like it could have been the first-draft title for the song from M*A*S*H. And, hey, speaking of both sounding like something and song titles, Shazamming is a thing—much like invisible work, disobeying signs, fetishising suffering, wanting to help, using ten-dollar words, attending Auditorium Music Tests, and no longer reading books—that some people do.

Join our heroes as they brutally interrogate Francis Leach for fitness tips, quickly veer off into a line of questioning more befitting a Catalina Wine Mixer attendee, and then eventually regain focus. Later, Beautiful Fairy Princess concedes that there is use getting into heavy bedding, a website address is belatedly announced, old adult readers of young adult fiction are rightly condemned, the brand new academic field of Slab Economics is founded, Captain Handsome reveals his favourite flavour of Metamucil, and I think maybe Johann Hari kills Colonel Gaddafi at some point but it's possible that my mind wandered during that bit because this is a pretty long episode.

Stop all the clocks and cut off the telephone because it’s Vanity Project time again. These stars ARE wanted. Signal your clever and tasteful preferences by joining the growing but nonetheless very hard cadre of people who listen to Vanity Project only so that they can say they don’t listen to Vanity Project today!*

*The hosts accept no responsibility for any additional Holmes and Rahe Life Change Units that may accrue to cadre members as a result of listening to this podcast.

Meet Ross and Helen, hosts of your new third-favourite podcast!Some might call them sexy, if by ‘some’ and ‘them’ we mean ‘they’ and ‘themselves’, and by 'might' we mean 'routinely'. Others might call them middle-aged, if said others were feeling charitable at the time. Perhaps fewer would call them heroes but, look, everything is subjective.All that anyone can say for certain is that Ross and Helen have a podcast, it is ostensibly about health and wellness, and you are about to fall deeply and irrevocably in love.