Vulnerability Does Not Bite

Introduction

Definition of vulnerability: The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

With this definition who would want to be vulnerable?

Why are we doing this thing if this what the definition is?

Vulnerability may seem scary and if not done intentionally it can be!  Vulnerability done intentionally can be so rewarding.  

Vulnerability in spirituality is an expression of faith. 

Vulnerability in relationships is an expression of love.

Vulnerability in your career is an expression of  passion and purpose.

However, vulnerability and shame can be synonymous for guys. If we fight or fear vulnerability it leads to shame.  Letting go of control allows true control of now. When we don’t engage in our own personal vulnerability we are suffering from depth deprivation. A shallow relationship with yourself and your close relationships leads to a lack of fulfillment and even mental illness. Circle of Relationships- Authentic with everyone, vulnerable with a few.

What we have learned about vulnerability?

1. Vulnerability can only be present in the present

• Vulnerability can only be present in the present. (Emotional agility, experience the experience)
• Vulnerability is often talked about in the past. Stories of vulnerability that we recall are good as a frame of reference but their major purpose be to remind me of how important it is to be vulnerable today.
• When I was a kid I was raised in a church environment that was big on testimonies. People known as evangelists (spreaders of good news) made their living going around telling about the the times in their lives when they became powerless ended up in dire circumstances, realized that they needed to surrender to something or someone different and it changed their lives. They went on to live in those past stories of vulnerability.
• Most of the past incidents were because of forced vulnerability. In this we become powerless or out of control. This is reactive vulnerability, often in our Sexuality with men. 

Today I have the opportunity to be vulnerable as a choice or by being proactive.  Again I can only be so in my deepest and most connected relationships. I make the choice to be open, transparent and without secrets to someone or a select few people in my life.

2.  What we are learning about vulnerability:  Transparency is key - When men allow themselves the freedom of openness they find that this neither comfortable nor excruciating.  Men are finding that the more they talk about shame the less they have of it.  Men realize that things that made them vulnerable in the past now make them strong to face the future. It has been incredible to see  how such transparency terminates shame.

Illustration: If I am keeping a password on my phone so my wife cannot have access to it I am not practicing vulnerability. 

 If you get too close to the Fire to Quick you will burn to death. If you get too far away from the fire you will freeze to death. 

 3. What we are learning about vulnerability:   Courage is evident -  Men in Authentic Men’s Groups have the courage to acknowledge imperfection and to talk about it. They are willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they are. Such men have the willingness to give themselves to something or someone without guarantee.  They have the ability to invest in relationships even if they may not work out. We practice vulnerability to be authentic to who we are not to get a response from others.  We are not responsible for their response only how we present ourselves.   

  4.  What we are learning about vulnerability: Connectedness is wanted. Men are realizing that the core to connection is openness. This openness, when practiced in a safe group of fellow strugglers, allows movement to real relationships having realistic expectations and expression of our true self. This is happening through the connectedness that comes from being vulnerable with a few. Men are finding that accountability is the byproduct of authenticity and vulnerability. Authenticability trumps accountability every time. It’s proactive not reactive. 

• One of the concepts of AMG is that we be authentic with everyone and vulnerable with a few. At whatever depth the relationship is that is as much as I can be vulnerable.

5.  What we are learning about vulnerability: Compassion is experienced. When we find the compassion to be kind to themselves first they then can be kind to others. Men are considering themselves to be good. Men are learning to practice empathy and consideration knowing the help that comes when they have received it. Can’t give away what we don’t have. 

Authentic Call to Action:

• Find a place or a friend where I can be vulnerable on a regular basis.
• Practice vulnerability with trusted relationships. 

Conclusion

When a safe and trusted environment is established men find that 1. Present, Transparent, Courageous, Connected and Compassionate serve them well and consequently serves their deepest and most connected associations along with all of the other of their Circle of Relationships.  All of the research and development is paying off as we see men experiencing freedom, connectedness and intimacy in their lives.