Welcome back, mystery lovers! After a three-week hiatus, we're diving headfirst into our Halloween special: Unsolved Mysteries Edition.

We kick things off with a cruise ship disappearance that we've confidently solved as sex trafficking. Chloe bravely volunteers herself as tribute (but only in tropical locations), while Lady M—built like a tiny bodybuilder as a child—would have simply punched her way to freedom.

After a brief detour into Halloween's origins and why giraffe carcasses are peak costume material, we tackle three genuinely unsolved mysteries:

Mystery #1: Boys find human remains in a tree with a separated hand. Our verdict? Narnia portal malfunction. Case closed.

Mystery #2: Six members of the Gruber family brutally murdered on their German farm, killer stays for days tending the animals. Obviously a disgruntled Airbnb guest fulfilling their hosting duties. Stress-eating cheese post-murder is the correct protocol.

Mystery #3: Girl vanishes on Halloween. She's definitely in FBI witness protection after seeing some weird shit.

Finally, Chloe's terrifying giant spider "Tuba Fufi" turns out to be a costumed dog who ran away. After three weeks off: we're back, we've solved nothing, and we absolutely shouldn't be trusted with detective work.