Welcome To Being Alive

Mismatched desire is one of the most common dynamics a couple can face. It can create guilt, rejection, fear of incompatibility, and even exhaustion from the "spice it up" advice which often doesn’t work. In this episode, couples and sex therapist Inez Cordoba, LICSW, CST responds to an anonymous question from a heterosexual, married couple raising young children who are trying to find a way to manage a persistent gap in desire.

While it's tempting to frame a desire gap as a relationship flaw, or a question of who's right or wrong, this episode treats it as something to manage together. The case Inez makes throughout is that taking the pressure off is actually key for desire to show up.

Inez walks through how to actually assess a desire gap: taking an honest snapshot of the relationship's overall health and life circumstances, ruling out physical and medical causes, separating libido from arousal, and reframing sex itself so that eroticism and playfulness stop collapsing into a single narrow checkbox.

📖 Resources mentioned in this episode:

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Inez's go-to reference for reframing desire and eroticism more broadly — also worth following through Perel's interviews, articles, and social media.

Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mercy and Dr. Jennifer A. Vencil. A sex-positive guide for readers of all genders, orientations, and relationship structures — helps couples understand and manage differing libido levels without shame, with practical exercises for redefining intimacy.

This episode explores:

• Why treating a desire gap as something to manage, rather than fix, changes the entire conversation
• Why trying to make your partner (or yourself) different backfires, and how pressure is antithetical to desire
• How to take an honest relationship snapshot before troubleshooting libido specifically: friendship, life structure, depletion, and support
• When a desire gap is actually a physical or medical issue in disguise, and when it's time to bring in outside support
• The difference between libido and arousal, and why conflating them leads couples to the wrong conversation
• Esther Perel's idea that desire doesn't disappear during demanding seasons of life, it just relocates
• Why narrowly defining "sex" as penetration and orgasm makes couples feel farther apart, not closer
• What non-demand touch is, and how it rebuilds erotic connection without expectation attached
• The central paradox of desire: taking the pressure off is what makes it more likely to show up

Questions this episode answers:

• Is it normal for partners to have different levels of desire?
• What can we actually do when one partner wants sex more than the other?
• How do I stop feeling rejected, guilty, or ashamed about our libido gap?
• What's the difference between low libido and low arousal?
• Could our desire differences actually be a physical or medical issue?
• Why doesn't the usual "date night" or "spice it up" advice work for us?
• What is non-demand touch, and how do I bring more eroticism into the relationship without pressure?

Have your own question about desire, libido, or intimacy? You can submit your anonymous question at welcometobeingalive.com

Welcome to Being Alive is a podcast about the messy, beautiful, and occasionally heartbreaking world of relationships. Couples therapist and certified sex therapist Inez Cordoba, LICSW, CST has spent thousands of hours helping couples and now gets to be in conversation with you. Around here, we're making sense of love, one tangent at a time.

Follow us: Instagram | Facebook | Spotify | Apple Podcasts | Amazon Music @welcometobeingalive on all platforms

The show is brought to you by Cordoba Couples Therapy: www.cordobacouplestherapy.com

Sponsored by the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy, where loving well is an art, and getting there is a science. Visit www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com to learn more.

And a big thank you to From the Woods for our theme song: Apple Bottom Boogaloo. Check out: www.fromthewoodsmusic.com

Creators & Guests

Betrayal is one of the most painful things a couple can face. The shock, the rage, the sleepless nights, and the impossible question: do we stay or do we go? In this episode, couples and sex therapist Inez Cordoba, LICSW, CST responds to an anonymous question from a woman navigating the aftermath of infidelity while raising a new baby with the partner who hurt her.

This episode is not about whether she should have stayed. It's about what staying actually looks like, and what real healing requires from both people.

Inez walks through the full arc of betrayal recovery, from the disorienting crisis phase, through the decision point, into the re-bonding stage and the harder work that comes after: re-individuation, rebuilding trust through separateness, and learning to talk about the past without criticism and contempt destroying what's been rebuilt.

📖 Resources mentioned in this episode:

State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel. Best for making meaning of a past betrayal or understanding infidelity more broadly. Not recommended in the immediate aftermath, when emotions are too raw to intellectualize.

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass. Inez's go-to recommendation once the initial crisis has stabilized and a couple is ready to start piecing things back together.

Tell Me No Lies by Ellen Bader, Peter Pearson, and Judith D. Schwartz. Best suited for the later stages of recovery, when a couple is looking ahead and asking how to build a relationship robust enough to hold real honesty.

🕐 Episode Chapters:

• 0:00 — Podcast Intro
• 1:10 — Welcome to Episode 2
• 2:15 — Today's Theme: Betrayal
• 3:15 — Recommended Resources
• 8:20 — The Question Revealed
• 10:45 — Opening Your Heart to Possibility
• 14:20 — Stage 1: Crisis Phase
• 17:15 — The Role of Shame
• 19:35 — Avoiding Isolation
• 21:35 — Stage 2: Decision Point
• 24:25 — Moving Forward Together
• 25:45 — The Re-Bonding Phase
• 27:30 — Re-Individuation Work
• 29:50 — The Growth Edge
• 33:45 — Why Separateness Can Build Trust
• 36:20 — Revisiting the Betrayal
• 37:25 — The Four Horsemen in Betrayal
• 39:25 — Mutuality
• 41:30 — The Work for the Betrayed Partner
• 43:10 — Agency vs. Victimhood
• 46:25 — Realistic Timeline for Healing
• 48:35 — Closing Thoughts
• 48:50 — Outro

This episode explores:

• The three phases of betrayal recovery and what each one actually demands of both partners
• Why the crisis phase is so disorienting, and why the person who caused the betrayal often makes things worse by minimizing or deflecting
• How shame isolates the betrayed partner at the exact moment they most need support
• The re-bonding phase: why staying intensely close feels safe but cannot be the final destination
• Why re-individuation (rebuilding a separate sense of self) is where real trust actually begins
• How conflict avoidance contributes to betrayal, and what it looks like to heal that pattern
• The "mutuality" framework from Terry Real, and why both partners have to hold it in order to grow
• Why righteous anger, however justified, can stall the healing process if it never softens
• What a realistic timeline for recovery actually looks like (hint: it's measured in years, not months)

Questions this episode answers:

• Can a relationship actually survive infidelity?
• What are the stages of healing after a betrayal?
• Why does the person who cheated keep getting defensive instead of taking accountability?
• How do you rebuild trust after being lied to?
• What is re-individuation and why does it matter after an affair?
• How long does it take to recover from infidelity?
• What if I'm too angry to do the emotional work my therapist is asking of me?

Have your own question about betrayal, trust, or infidelity? Every betrayal story is different. The more detail you share, the more personalized Inez's insight can be. Submit your anonymous question at welcometobeingalive.com

Welcome to Being Alive is a podcast about the messy, beautiful, and occasionally heartbreaking world of relationships. Couples therapist and certified sex therapist Inez Cordoba, LICSW, CST has spent thousands of hours helping couples and now gets to be in conversation with you. Around here, we're making sense of love, one tangent at a time.

Follow us: Instagram | Facebook | Spotify | Apple Podcasts | Amazon Music @welcometobeingalive on all platforms

The show is brought to you by Cordoba Couples Therapy: www.cordobacouplestherapy.com

Sponsored by the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy, where loving well is an art, and getting there is a science. Visit www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com to learn more.

And a big thank you to From the Woods for our theme song: Apple Bottom Boogaloo. Check out: www.fromthewoodsmusic.com

Creators & Guests

If you've ever felt like you're the only one really holding your shared life together, managing, anticipating, delegating, and still being the one who notices when you're out of milk, this episode is for you.

Division of household labor is one of the most common things couples bring into the therapy room, and one of the most emotionally complicated to unpack. In this first episode, couples and sex therapist Inez Cordoba, LICSW, CST responds to an anonymous question from a wife of ten years who has tried everything (chore charts, team meetings, direct conversations, even yelling) and still can't seem to make things more equitable at home.

Inez walks through the full picture: what's really going on beneath the surface of these arguments, why chore lists alone will never be enough, and what a more honest, vulnerable conversation between partners could actually look like.

📖 Resource mentioned in this episode: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (NYT Bestseller), and the companion Fair Play Deck, a couples conversation card deck for prioritizing shared responsibilities. A great place to start if you want a neutral third party to guide the conversation.

🕐 Episode Chapters:

• 0:00 — Podcast Intro
• 1:10 — Today's Theme: Division of Labor
• 4:07 — Recommended Resource: Fair Play
• 5:52 — Getting Into the Conversation
• 6:24 — The Question Revealed
• 8:27 — Individual vs. Relational: Which is it?
• 10:08 — Individual Factors to Consider (depression, ADHD, chronic illness)
• 11:59 — Gender Roles & Upbringing
• 14:00 — Habits & Circumstance: How the status quo gets set
• 15:18 — Relational Dynamics: How couples enable imbalance together
• 16:39 — The Manager Dynamic
• 18:30 — The Mutuality Myth: Why equality is actually more work
• 20:25 — The Outlier Couple
• 23:15 — Circling Back to the Question
• 24:56 — Emotional Impact Matters
• 26:42 — The Vulnerable Conversation
• 28:53 — Beyond Chore Lists: What a sustainable solution looks like
• 30:13 — Small Changes Over Time & the Long Game
• 33:30 — Breaking It Down into Sizable Chunks
• 34:35 — Closing Thoughts
• 35:02 — Outro

This episode explores:

• Why unequal division of labor persists even in couples who genuinely love each other
• The invisible mental load and what it really costs the partner who remembers, plans, and delegates everything
• How individual factors like ADHD, depression, or chronic illness can quietly contribute to the imbalance
• How gendered expectations and upbringing shape who does what at home, often without either partner realizing it
• The "manager dynamic," where one partner becomes the household CEO and resentment builds on both sides
• Why true mutuality requires compromise and negotiation, not just more effort from one person
• What the emotional conversation needs to look like before the chore chart conversation
• Why small, specific changes over time beat a total household overhaul

Questions this episode answers:

• Why does my partner never notice what needs to be done around the house?
• How do I talk to my partner about unequal household labor without it turning into a fight?
• What is the mental load and why does it cause so much resentment in relationships?
• Are chore charts and to-do lists actually useful, or just a band-aid?
• Why does it feel like I'm the only adult in my household?
• How long does it really take for a couple to change an imbalanced dynamic?

Have a question about division of labor, or anything else in your relationship? This conversation is just getting started. Write in with the specific details of how this shows up in your relationship, and Inez can offer more personalized insight. Submit your anonymous question at welcometobeingalive.com

Welcome to Being Alive is a podcast about the messy, beautiful, and occasionally heartbreaking world of relationships. Couples therapist and certified sex therapist Inez Cordoba, LICSW, CST has spent thousands of hours helping couples and now gets to be in conversation with you. Around here, we're making sense of love, one tangent at a time.

Follow us: Instagram | Facebook | Spotify | Apple Podcasts | Amazon Music @welcometobeingalive on all platforms

The show is brought to you by Cordoba Couples Therapy: www.cordobacouplestherapy.com

Sponsored by the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy, where loving well is an art, and getting there is a science. Visit www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com to learn more.

And a big thank you to From the Woods for our theme song: Apple Bottom Boogaloo. Check out: www.fromthewoodsmusic.com

Creators & Guests