Wanting Both: Motherhood, Art, and the Questions That Linger

Hi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.

For the longest time, I believed I’d just know whether I wanted to be a mom. Like a bolt of clarity would strike. But the truth is, I didn’t know. Not really. And for a long time, I thought I had to choose—between being an artist and being a mother. But here’s the thing:

I’m greedy. I want both.

And I think I’m not alone.

The world doesn’t make much space for the in-between—the questions, the ambivalence, the complexity of redefining what motherhood can look like. There's pressure to decide, to know, to fit within timelines and expectations. But what happens when we don’t? What happens when we still don’t know, even as time presses on? At 42 I am still trying to reconcile what the “right” thing is for my life and have come to terms with I will probably never really know.

This week, I sat down with the writer Ruthie Ackerman to talk about her new book, The Mother Code. Reading it was like having someone reach into my head and put my most private, unspoken thoughts onto the page. Ruthie names the tension so many of us feel—the biological clock ticking louder with each year, the internal tug-of-war between art and family, freedom and rootedness.

We talked about:

* Maternal ambivalence, the not being 100% sure if you want kids—how common it is, and how rarely we talk about it

* Redefining family narratives and how the women who raised us shape what we imagine for ourselves

* The desire to do life/motherhood differently—even when we don’t know what “different” looks like

* What is enoughness in life? Specifically, how delusional we are in romantic relationships.

Ruthie’s honesty cracked something open for me, and I think it will for you too. Whether you’re a parent, never want kids, feel unsure, or just love real conversations about the messiness of personhood, this episode is for you.

I’m so excited to share this one with you. I hope it resonates as deeply with you as it did with me.

If you know someone who is feeling ambivalent about life, motherhood, and art, I would be delighted if you shared this with them…

With love and curiosity,Carissa

PS Grab a copy of The Mother Code here. And I am a die-hard fan of her substack here:

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

PPPS I have a book that is coming out SO SOON. Pre-order sales are crucial for helping us understand if there's interest in the book. If you’re able, please consider preordering your copy here.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a podcast I do because I love doing it. Thanks for finding it. And getting up this morning. You rock.

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