What She Wishes You Knew podcast

For the full Show Notes for this episode, visit http://kathleenmpeters.com/podcast-blog/ In this two-episode special we get to learn from Trauma Recovery Specialist, Connie A Baker. Connie is a practicing Licensed Professional Counselor, Religious Abuse Recovery Specialist, Masters Level University Instructor, Seminar and Conference Speaker, author of Traumatized By Religious Abuse: Courage, Hope, and Freedom For Survivors.   In this episode we tackle the definitions of Trauma and PTSD, our theories of why people give unsolicited advice to survivors, the triggers survivors may experience and suggestions of what to do if you get triggered.   DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for PTSD Connie's Trauma Story Netflix Show: Unbelievable   Connect with Connie:  https://connieabaker.com/ Facebook Group: Overcoming Religious Abuse: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ORACommunity/ Facebook page: Connie A Baker MA LPC https://www.facebook.com/ReligiousAbuseRecovery/ Book: Traumatized By Religious Abuse: Courage, Hope, and Freedom for Survivors Beyond Survival - Subscription Group Instagram: @connie_a_baker   Connect with Kathleen Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters Email: [email protected] Kathleen’s Workbook –Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You Bonus (Interview After the Interview) Episode:  Become a $2/month Patreon Member and get access to all the bonus episodes where my guests shares the WHY to her Big Reveals. Patreon Information Newsletter & Free Empathy Cards To download your own digital Empathy Cards, go to kathleenmpeters.com , scroll to the bottom of page, and sign up for my newsletter. And no I promise to not flood your inbox. Yes, I do intend to send at least one email a month FILLED to the BRIM with all sorts of goodies that will help you to listen and love well.

What happens when a daughter comes out as queer to her Christian Parents and then soon after her mom dies? How does she deal with grief of never getting to finish the rumble of her sexual identity with her mom?   For the full Show Notes for this episode, visit https://kathleenmpeters.com/   I'm delighted to have interviewed Shelby Forsythia about the grief of not only losing her mom at the young age of 21, but also the grief of never getting to finish a conversation that has left her rumbling with feelings of unacceptance. Shelby is the author of Permission to Grieve and podcast host of Coming Back: Conversations on Life After Loss. After the unexpected death of her mother in 2013, she became a “student of grief” and set out on a lifetime mission to explore the oft-misunderstood human experience of loss. Through her book, weekly podcasts, and one-on-one grief guidance, she helps grieving people find direction, get support, and cultivate radical self-compassion after devastating loss.

What happens when a couple decides they don't want to have children and then they get pregnant? Anger, anxiety, grief, and faking that you're happy is all a part of my guest Courtney Renee Patterson's story.   Courtney Patterson is a writer of the blog The Unplanned Tiny Hand, a 9th Grade English teacher in Arkansas, a wife and a mom. She started The Unplanned Tiny Hand as a way to help new moms navigate the ups and downs of motherhood, from pregnancy to balancing work and her new role as a mom. She shares all the tips and tricks she’s learned through trial and error on her blog. Don’t forget to check it out after the show at The Unplanned Tiny Hand   For more complete Show Notes including all the links mentioned in this episode: https://kathleenmpeters.com/podcast-blog/

What if Baby Jesus went to Daycare because Mary was a working mom? Are we sending the message to the Working Mom that the Stay-at-Home Mom is the one raising her kids in the most 'biblical' way? Is the working mom treated differently in the Church?   Come join the conversation as I chat with working mom NJ Rongner who gives me (a mom who stayed home for nearly 20 years) an inside scoop and tells me what she wishes we knew about being a working mom in the Church.   NJ Rongner is a full time working mom who wants you to know that if you work and love Jesus, there is nothing wrong with you. On her podcast, Working Christian Mom, she equips and inspires the everyday working mom to press on because her work matters. NJ loves the beach, cinnamon tea and living in beautiful New England with her husband and their two children. She also runs the Facebook groups Working Christian Mom, Christianpreneur, and works as a Marketing Coach with Clickfunnels.   What I loved about talking with NJ is that "working" has taken all sorts of forms for her; she has worked outside the home, inside the home, for other companies, and for herself. She also had the dream of being a Stay-at-Home-Mom until it actually happened and she found herself struggling to like it as much as she thought she would.   NJ shares with us that inside the Church just as the Stay-at-Home mom is hailed and affirmed as doing what's best for her family, the Working Mom often feels invisible and at times is told implicitly she is not doing things the godly way.   Connect with NJ: Website- workingchristianmom.com Facebook - Working Christian Mom Christianpreneur   Connect with Kathleen Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters Email: [email protected]   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Bonus (Interview After the Interview) Episode:  Become a $2/month patreon member and get access to all the bonus episodes where my guests shares the WHY to her Big Reveals. Patreon Information   Wanna Become a Patreon Member? Click here => Patreon Information   Newsletter & Free Digital Empathy Cards To download your own Empathy Cards, go to kathleenmpeters.com , scroll to the bottom of page, and sign up for my newsletter.

What is it like to be a foster care provider? Often we think about the heartache that must come with returning a child to their biological parent... Jillana Goble shares with us the grief and the hope. If you are a foster parent, my hope is you will feel seen in this upcoming episode. If you love someone who is a foster parent, I hope you will walk away with practical ways you can support them.   Jillana Goble has been a foster mom, biological mom, and adoptive mom—in that order—since 2003. She is a connector and a collaborator who has walked an unlikely path in creating unprecedented relationship with the children who have walked through her front door, their biological families, and with the Oregon Department of Human Services Child Welfare. She founded Embrace Oregon, which is the catalyst for Every Child Oregon, a robust engagement model bridging the community and foster care.   Jillana holds a Masters Degree in Teaching. She is a sought after speaker on various topics around foster care, government/community partnership, adoption, special needs, grief, and hope.  She continues to mentor and walk alongside countless foster parents navigating this journey.   Jillana and her husband, Luke, got married in 2000. They have two biological daughters and two sons that they fostered and later adopted. They were also reunited with their first son in foster care after over a decade apart. They are joyfully called “Auntie” & “Papa” by another child in foster care who has lived with them twice.   When not engaging with her family, Jillana enjoys drinking coffee with friends—half filled with cream—at neighborhood coffee shops. Her favorite things include leaning in to engage others’ real deal stories, walking her sweet yet stubborn labradoodle around her city block, and reading in the tub way too late at night.    00:23:22 Why Jillana started Embrace Oregon -  Every Child *00:28:05 The Welcome Boxes - a loving gift given to a child who is being processed into the DHS system 00:29:57 What got her first interest in being a foster parent started in Guatemala - this caused her and her husband Luke to ask, "Where are the vulnerable children here (the US)?" 00:32:35 Their first experience in fostering 00:33:52 What happened in Guatemala that caused her and Luke to ask this question 00:35:50 After having biological children and moving to Oregon, what started as purely an informational call ends in fostering a baby who is now her 11 year adopted son 00:36:48  Jillana's relationship with her 11 year old son's biological mom - the most transformational relationship she's ever been a part of 00:38:25  Battling the image of foster parents rescuing a child- Jillana's book - it feels like the manual of everything you should know before you foster   00:39:35  The grief of fostering Heavier things in lighter moments - disclosures the children may make 00:46:03 "Signing up for foster care is an invitation to raise your hand and invite heartbreak and suffering into your life." - 00:45:54 Jillana's personal experiences with grief Returning a child to biological mama's Rehabilitation Center - a feeling that maybe she was losing her ability to hope for a healthy outcome 00:54:07 Fostering is about holding things loosely - hope, expectations of what you would want to happen, what you think should happen, biological parents, foster children 00:56:05 What about the grief of getting attached to this child with the possibility of them returning to their biological parents? 00:59:41 These kids did nothing wrong - they did not cause their situation the word "foster" can be equated with negative words--- Jillana on purpose says children in foster care instead 01:04:00 The most common reasons children enter into the foster care system is physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, neglect, domestic violence, incarceration of parent, a parent's drug and alcohol abuse, and untreating of mental illness 01:05:22 The hope would be that a family would have a safety net of support to draw from when they are struggling...that Child Welfare wouldn't even have to get involved 01:07:10 For some bio parents this can be a terrifying thought to have their child in the system if they themselve had a terrible experience when they were a child 01:08:00 Honoring the humanity of the biological parents   01:12:49 How we can be supportive to a foster parent   What to Say

• "I don't know what it's like to be a foster parent, but I do know you have a lot on your plate, can I help you with this __(yardwork, a meal, laundry) ____?"
• "I don't know what you're going through, but I know it's not just everyday life is normal. I know there are a lot of dynamics going on under the roof of your home."
• "Can I give you a gift card for _____?"
• "Would you like to go to coffee with me?"
• "Can I come take a walk with you?"

  What Not to Say

• "Oh, I get it ___(a story of a pet you've adopted)___."
• "You're such an angel."
• "I could never do that, I'd just get way too attached."
• "I can't believe those kids are in foster care; they're so clean, polite, or so adorable, or so smart." as if the word foster is the opposite of these words
• "God gives special kids to special people."
• "God will not give you more than you can handle."

01:31:12  How you can get involved in Embrace Oregon 1:32:42 The Big Reveal Segment   01:35:39 Kathleen's Wrap Up If you see someone and they seem to be doing just fine, the kids they are fostering are doing great in Sunday School, or playing with your kids, or just in general being around you, it doesn't mean that at home it's not a WHOLE NOTHER BALL GAME.   Please make sure to check in with your friend. Just because on the outside she seems to be holding it all together beautifully, she just might need your help.

• Take her to coffee
• Offer to do practical things for her: laundry, meals, grocery shop, clean a bathroom
• Offer respite care
• Offer to transport her other kids to their practices
• Offer to be a nonjudgmental listening ear

  Buy Jillana's book: No Sugar Coating- The Coffee Talk You Need About Foster Parenting   Ways to Help in Oregon EmbraceOregon, Every Child Oregon   Welcome Boxes provide children in foster care with special items while sitting in a DHS office.   Launch Boxes assist youth who are aging out of foster care with items to help them get on their feet.   Emergency Needs from DHS are shared with community members to support children in foster care. Expressed needs range from a bunk bed to new shoes.   Boxes of Love provides local children being placed in foster care with a box of new clothing and other comfort items to call their own.   Office Buddies Foster Parent Night Out Transportation Service Projects DHS Staff Appreciation   Another perspective to those considering foster care: "Foster care and adoption are not a cure for trauma.  Rather, it is the beginning of a new and terrifying journey of connection.  ‘Trust us,’ the new family says.  ‘No really, for real this time... ‘  It takes so much consistent, reassuring, forgiving parenting to sell that “forever family” ideal to a person who has seen the darkest side of humanity.  You will not be able to do it alone, and love is not enough.  Select a team of people who understand what trauma does to a developing brain.  Be very intentional in building a network of support - people who won’t judge you or your kid, who will remind you why you started, people who can handle the ugly days.  Sort out the naysayers and limit your exposure to them.  In the end, it’s your family and your kid.  Keep their world small, predictable, and safe." -Susan Skutt   How to Find Jillana: Website: https://jillana-goble.com/ Facebook: Jillana Goble -Author   Jillana's Book: No Sugar Coating- The Coffee Talk You Need About Foster Parenting   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Bonus Episode (Interview After the Interview) : Become a $2/month patreon member and get access to all the bonus episodes where my guests shares the WHY to her Big Reveals. Patreon Information   Wanna Become a Patreon Member? Click here => Patreon Information   Where to find Kathleen Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters Email: [email protected]   Newsletter & Free Empathy Cards To download your own digital Empathy Cards, go to whatshewishesyouknew.com , scroll to the bottom of page, and sign up for my newsletter. And no I promise to not flood your inbox. Yes, I do intend to send at least one email a month FILLED to the BRIM with all sorts of goodies that will help you to listen and love well.

What is it like to plan your living son's funeral? What is it like to grieve a loved one who hasn't died? In Part 2 of my interview with Jessica McCurdy, we talk about about how culture sees addiction: moral failure vs disease. Jessica gives us an incredible word picture of this disease - how it is a miracle when a person is staying out of active addiction, and how we can change our language to better honor those coping with this disease and its effects. She also explains that active addiction is about grief; you are not only losing the person but also experiences they will never have with their loved one.   Show Notes 00:08:00 *00:59:00 me: this is a disease – how are we seeing this as a culture: moral failure, a choice, deficit in character : 00:09:00 Cancer, MS, Lupus – “they are a survivor or a warrior”, Cancer – we feel bad with no moral failure, addiction moral failure because they have to put something in our body – the addiction starts before anything is put into the body – Addiction is in the disease model The first choice was an actual “choice” 00:13:00 admitting they are powerless against that drug – affects the survival part of the brain – 00:15:00  She calls Camron a survivor – it’s a miracle that someone stays clean – breathing underwater 00:16:00  Active Addiction – Changing our language – if there is not a cure then he will always be an addict – she will not support him during this time 00:18:00  Symptoms of addiction lying, manipulating, cheating, stealing, commiting crimes – symptoms of cancer treatment nausea, lethargy, taste of copper 00:19:00  Her fears to tell us what she wishes we knew – She felt very alone – not many parents speak up about what’s going on because of the shame 00:22:22  in AL-Anon she could pray he would die – mourning a living person 00:23:17  grief groups in church turned her away – she didn’t want to grieve alone 00:24:20 you don’t know where you belong in the church – she wanted hope from the church – 00:25:00  She started to miss church all the time because she would cry – her current church are comfortable with tears – the old church system didn’t have a culture that made it safe to be in pain 00:29:20 Kathleen: the culture of church needs to be changed – we watch what happens to others in pain and decide whether church is safe in our pain 00:30:35 What she wishes we knew about the grief – "what would feel good to you?" 00:33:00  we’re grieving like we lost someone – she lost graduation, proms, football, The loss is repeated over & over – they are in fear all the time (PTSD) – they are warriors/fighters 00:35:00 what could we practically do and what should we not do:   Hurtful Words to Stay Away From

• “What drugs is he using?” – the path & consequence could be the same –
• “Is it just alcohol?”
• “Addiction is such a stronghold. Just trust God.”
• “He’ll be okay. He’ll find his way. He has a good mama.” – this feeds into her codependency – addiction is not either good or bad, it’s a disease
• “Is he doing good now?”
• “Oh really, Camron doesn’t seem like that type of kid?"
• “You’re so strong; you’ll get through this.”
• “Camron is a good kid; he’ll come out the other side."

  00:44:40 “My son is going to die before I do.” – this is a real possibility – she’s already planned his funeral    Helpful Words to Say

• "I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for your mama’s heart."
• "I wish I could take away all this pain for you."
• "I’m crying with you. How can I be here for you?"
• "This must be so devastating."
• "How can I love you through this?" - Jessica's favorite
•  

00:49:00 How is Camron doing now? 00:52:55 Big Reveal   PLEASE REMEMBER: Supporting a Friend who has a Loved One battling Active Addiction and/or Recovery

• Your friend is going to be going through a lot of loss and it will repeat itself over and over.
• To recognize they may be in fear all the time. They may actually have PTSD.

  Advice from other moms:

• stand by her, don't judge her or her son or daughter.
• I wish they would know that coffee dates and going to the movies and taking her to lunch may be the thing that keeps her going for one more day.
• Inviting her to get a pedicure she can’t afford because all her money is being spent on a rehab or counselor,
• going for a walk with her to get her mind off things.
• Remember no one brings them a casserole when their child is going to rehab.
• Just be a friend like you would if she had lost a child and is grieving because she is.
• Know this is a game changer. Her life won’t be the same but it can be better with the Lord. As she finds her identity in Him and not in whether her child is successful and beats their addiction or doesn’t.
• Laugh with her when she laughs and cry with her when she cries but whatever you do, don’t avoid her.

    Jessica's Book Recommendation Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the 12 Steps   Jessica's Church As Is Church   How to Reach Out to Jessica: Jessica's Facebook Jessica's Instagram   Resources for Those Supporting Someone in Recovery AA: https://www.aa.org/ Al Anon: https://al-anon.org/   Facebook Support Groups: Still Standing After All the Tears Christian Moms of Addicted Children   Sober Living Oregon Recovery Center: https://www.soberlivingrc.com/   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Are you a visual learner? Wish you had in written form all the guest's tips about how to be a loving supportive friend? Become a $2/month patreon member and receive an Episode Guide that outlines all her practical tips (as well as some others we didn't discuss). Patreon Information   Wanna Become a Patreon Member? Click here => Patreon Information   Where to find Kathleen Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters Email: [email protected]   Newsletter & Free Empathy Cards To download your own printable Empathy Cards, go to whatshewishesyouknew.com , scroll to the bottom of page, and sign up for my newsletter. And no I promise to not flood your inbox. Yes, I do intend to send at least one email a month FILLED to the BRIM with all sorts of goodies that will help you to listen and love well.

What is it like to walk alongside your 13 year old son while he battles addiction and recovery? This is Part 1 of a two part series where Jessica McCurdy shares her deeply raw and authentic story of loving her now 20 year old son, Camron through some incredibly dark times.   My Guest: Jessica McCurdy Jessica is a growth seeking, passionate, highly motivated, people person, unmarried, faith-filled, encourager, and mostly single mom. She spends her days working as an office manager at a physical therapy clinic, and just recently returned to community college part time to study Alcohol & Drug Counseling. She is active in her church, attends all the women’s faith events she can, volunteers with sober girls in recovery, exercises regularly, runs, hikes with her rescue pitbull, and enjoys quality time with her best girlfriends.   SHOW NOTES The Weed Scare & How It All Began

• 23:20 His first attempt to buy it
• 26:20 Their move to different area of town Freshman year – Revealed he had tried weed in his best friend’s parents’ garage (the dad’s medical marijuana)
• 33:08 Sophomore year his grades went down and he started skipping school and lying about it
• 34:00 He runs away to use with a bunch of friends

  11 Days of Using

• 36:00 How she discovers he has run away
• 37:30 She makes the police report – had to remember what he was wearing
• 38:40 Camron calls and tells her he’s not coming home – the feeling of anger, terror, and powerlessness - the was the beginning of getting used to this feeling of powerlessness
• 41:00 Everyday he would call to check in
• 41:48 Her daily routine for the next 11 days to find him
• 41:27 Always check your kids phones & be in touch with your kid's friends' parents
• 43:48 This is when shame settled in – questioning her own parenting- “What kind of a home do you have that your kid is running away?"
• 45:55 Kathleen: Isn't this a part of parenting? Don't we all tend to see our kids’ behavior as a reflection of our parenting? Any yet we don’t know what’s going on the inside of each other’s homes. It may not have anything to do with our parenting.
• 49:00 More of her shame – this is why parents don’t get help – they go through it alone
• 50:00 Codependency/enabling settles in here – “We are one.” - what he does is a direct reflection of me.
• 51:15 Her healing with Camron to become intra-dependent – Your actions do not change how I am feeling. -You can feel empathy for them but it's not like your whole day will be ruined by their actions
• 52:55 How she figures out he’s using while gone – her Private Investigating work
• 54:50  She was only 6 hours behind him at one point
• 56:04 When you accept the addiction, you get power back – there is a solution for addiction, not a cure
• 57:20 Camron's drug of choice : “more” - what an addict ends with is often not what he started with; it doesn't matter what it is.

The Next Step - Treatment

• 59:13: She researches treatment centers
• 1:00:50 She calls all the treatment centers – there is not a lot of help in Oregon (Oregon is the 4th worst in access to treatment)
• 1:02:31 He is finally found by the police
• 1:04:08 She picks him up and he seems sad – she starts to grieve because he is gone, his eyes are vacant- she went into action mode
• 1:05:10 Her plan – ultimatum “go on your own, or someone will take you to the rehab clinic”
• 1:06:10 the “transporters” come into the backyard – he says, “You’re not my mom anymore” Called his dad by his first name. – Another defining moment of shame again, “I can’t believe I'm doing this to my son.”
• 1:08:05 Kathleen: "My mama’s heart is breaking because he’s angry with you." – she has had to do this continually – this is not a one-time thing
• 1:09:12 He was in and out of rehab from age 15-18
• 1:10:20 it’s not The Place that brings recovery

  Kathleen's Wrap Up Let's talk about Shame: Here's what stood out to me: Jessica's immediate thoughts of "I'm not one of those moms" "What kind of a home do you have that you would have a kid running away?" I ask you, What kind of image/pic do you have related to someone else's child being addicted? Do you see addiction as a result of bad parenting... do you look to see who is to blame? If you do, you are not alone or abnormal. Our culture is built on science, fact. We are all constantly trying to make sense of our world whether it's good things or bad thing, by figuring out who is at fault...who's bad decision got us here.   In her book, It's Ok That You're Not Ok - Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand, author Megan Devine says, "There's a pervasive weirdness in our culture around grief and death. We judge, and we blame, dissect, and minimize. People look for the flaws in what someone did to get to this place. She didn't exercise enough. Didn't take enough vitamins. Too too many. He shouldn't have been walking on that side of the road....I bet they had unresolved childhood issues - see what unhealed issues do to you?"   I believe this pervasive weirdness surrounds all things we don't want to happen to us and our loved ones. It is our fear. We don't want to believe it could happen to us so we look for reasons why it's happening to them and then we promise ourselves we'll never do that. We'll be attentive parents. We won't get divorced. We'll check their phones. We'll won't be like THOSE parents.   We do this out of self-preservation. The truth is that what has happened to Jessica and Camron could happen to any one of us and we know it. The reason we look for blame, and that's what we're doing when we are looking to see who is at fault, is to protect ourselves. And friend, we all do it. You are not alone.   But here is the danger, as I see it.

1. What happens when it does happen to you?

-because you've built this structure that everything bad is a result of someone's mistake, you are then left to blame yourself -and then you are left to your shame -you will be tempted, as many parents like Jessica said have done, to not tell anyone so that you don't have to face other people's blame -in the darkest of times, you are alone   SIDE NOTE: Shame lives and grows in 3 things (Brené Brown's Research)

1. secrecy
2. silence
   • we say unloving, unkind, hurtful things only adding to their pain & suffering
3. judgement2. Second Danger: when something horrific happens to our loved ones, out of our own fear, we do not enter into their pain, we run from it

  This need to find who is to blame is driving disconnection in our society, in our churches. If we want to make a difference, if we want to be like Maddie who left the Apple Podcast Review and we want to continue learning new ways to love like Jesus loves, I believe we have to address our need to find blame. It could be the very thing that is blocking you from having the real connections you desire.   In 2 weeks, join me for Part 2 of Jessica's story where she explains to us what it is like to have this disease, how our culture's view of addicts is skewed and damaging, her experiences in the church (painful and good), how you can love another woman in the midst of supporting someone through active addiction and recovery, and words/questions that are unhelpful and hurtful.   How to Reach Out to Jessica: Jessica's Facebook Jessica's Instagram   Resources for Those Supporting Someone in Recovery AA: https://www.aa.org/ Al Anon: https://al-anon.org/   Facebook Support Groups: Still Standing After All the Tears Christian Moms of Addicted Children   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Are you a visual learner? Wish you had in written form all the guest's tips about how to be a loving supportive friend? Become a $2/month patreon member and receive an Episode Guide that outlines all her practical tips (as well as some others we didn't discuss). Patreon Information   Wanna Become a Patreon Member? Click here => Patreon Information   Where to find Kathleen Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters Email: [email protected]

What's it like to be single in the church? Are we unknowingly sending the message that without a matrimony, they are not a whole person?   If you are married, I think you will be surprised by what my guest Nicole LeBlond bravely shares, and based on the other women's voices recorded in this episode, she is not alone in her experiences. Prepare yourself to be enlightened and better equipped to know how to love and support the single women in your life.   If you are single, my hope is you will feel seen and affirmed. My hope is our christian communities will learn how to see you as whole and valid, as is.   My Guest: Nicole LeBlond Nicole was born and raised Portland, Oregon and is a pediatric nurse at Randall Children’s Hospital. Along with working with the greatest team at the best children's hospital in Portland, she participates in medical missions in Haiti – a country and people that has taken hold of her heart. She is a diehard Boston Red Sox fan and speaks fluently in movie quotes. She's a little obsessed with Disneyland – so much so, she had an Annual Pass for 2 years and is thinking it might be time to renew. She is a follower of Jesus – striving to share His grace, mercy, and love to all the peeps in her life.   Show Notes:

• There tends to be a lumping in of never marrieds with divorced and widowed women even though the experiences are quite different.
• The church struggles to know what do with single people.
• Nicole has felt as a single woman there was something wrong with her because she didn't really fit anywhere in the church.
• She has found Women's Ministry Events to be isolating - events seem to focus on a woman's purpose is to be a wife and a mother.
• Separating the Singles out (dividing them by age or gender) is injuring & feels like the church is telling her she doesn't have any worth, like she doesn't have anything to offer the rest of the church.

  Singles Need Us to Be Their Community Nicole enjoys hanging out with married people - being a part of a family is a beautiful picture of community. She needs the church to rally around her and tell her, "We'll be your family!" Even though she doesn't have kids herself, she does have something to offer us. "I don't have to have kids to be able to listen to you talk about your child, 'I'm struggling with X and I don't know what to do,' but you know what I can do? I can pray. I can go to the Father for you maybe in a way that someone else can't because I see it in another way." "Everyone is a valid member of our community." We have a unique opportunity to do life together.   Paul and the Bible: "Singleness is a gift"

• This not a gift to the single person, but is a gift to the church
• Because there may be more freedom in their schedule to serve others in the church, singles are then a gift to the church

How being single does not feel like a gift -the loneliness -grieving not having a family with children -romance shows can be poke the bruised places   The message she got that you can earn a husband - Marriage is a Reward or You are not Christian enough "You're not married yet because your husband isn't ready. Once he's hit whatever benchmark that God has for him, he'll be ready and you can be married. Or "You haven't met that benchmark that God has for you therefore when you meet that, you'll be ready for marriage."   What Not to Say You have to just to stop looking, and then he'll show up. You just haven't met him yet. Some people weren't meant to be married. (can give the message that there is something wrong with her)   The American Culture says getting married and having children is just what you do   What to Say & Do "Man, I'm sorry." Engage them where they're at, not waiting for them to get married -ask them to lead Bible Studies -ask them to open up their homes to host small groups -not treating her as a tag-along but as a member who has something to offer -invite her to events or to hang out with your family -If she is a close friend, ask her if she desires/ to be married.   What She Wishes We Knew She understands grief. She grieves her singleness.   Kathleen's Parting Thoughts If we really stop and think about it, as the woman earlier in the show stated, we are a society that holds coupling on an altar. If you aren't in a couple, then we assume you are looking to find someone, and then we inadvertently are telling singles they aren't okay if they aren't matched up.   Invalid, not whole, not valuable, less than, don't fit, something wrong with me

• this was the theme I heard over and over again
• you might feel attacked & not understand why what we are saying and doing is hurtful, and I'm glad you are noticing those feelings. But I also know you are here because you want to love better. So, if you don't understand why single women are feeling this way in the church, now would be a great time to go to them and have an honest discussion.
• In every Episode Guide I make available to my Patreon Members, I tell them if they've found themselves uncomfortable after the Big Reveal segment of the show, they might want to
• • Seek out others who think like the guest on that particular topic and ask them questions. 

  And then I give them words they could say, like: “I honestly want to understand why someone thinks the way they do about this topic. I’m not looking to debate you, I really just want to learn more. Would you mind sharing with me what brought you to this conclusion? Because I realize you probably didn’t just wake up one day and say ______. (I feel like the church thinks I am not valuable)   A good friend of mine who used to lead a thriving single moms group me were having a discussion about how we tend to see single men vs single women. Women tend to be seen as broken, and not able to keep a man, or power hungry, career chasing, no time for a family because of her cold cold heart, where as single men are seen as helpless in one way, "poor guy he just hasn't found the right woman yet," but he is not seen as broken or as power hungry.   This discussion really had me examining my own biases. And the result wasn't pretty. I had to hold up things I had been taught (explicitly and implicitly) next to what was true in the lives of my own single friends to see that it was time to let go of some stinkin' thinkin'.   Invite them

• Keep asking if they turn you down
• • they may not be ready yet (divorced, widowed)
  • they may be exhausted doing all the things themselves (if you are married, most of us have someone to shoulder all the burdens with, even if he doesn't seem to pull his weight all time, many of us have a security of knowing there is another person available in times of emergency)
  • they may have other plans

  Things to NOT say:

• "You just haven't found the right guy yet."
• "You're going to meet someone, just when you least expect it."
• "Let God be your husband."
• Why aren't you married yet?
• You have to just to stop looking, and then he'll show up.
• Some people aren't meant to be married.
• God's still doing a work in you/him, then you'll be ready.
• Have you found someone yet?

  Touch If you are married or have a significant other, I want you to notice how much touch you get throughout the day. A brush of the arm, an arm around a shoulder, a hug, a snuggle under a warm blanket, or even just a jab in the arm. Now I want you to think about your single friend and how little she is probably touched. A little warning here, not everyone is going to welcome contact, so you may want to make sure your friend is okay with touch, but please consider linking arms with them or hugging them the next time you are together. We need touch in order to thrive. And maybe this could be a simple way for you to love your single friend.   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Wanna hear the why behind Nicoles's Big Reveal? Become a Patreon Member of this podcast and get access to the "Interview After the Interview" episode. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew   Are you a visual learner? Wish you had in written form all the guest's tips about how to be a loving supportive friend? Become a $2/month patreon member and receive an Episode Guide that outlines all her practical tips (as well as some others we didn't discuss).   Have more questions for Nicole? Become a $5/month Patreon Member and get access to a Live Q&A with Connie inside our Patreon Exclusive Access Facebook Group. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew   Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast   Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters

After believing God would heal her mom, how does a 19 year old cope with not only the grief of losing her mom at such a young age, but also the fractured trust created between her and God?   This is a real and vulnerable interview with my friend, Kim Ludeman; she bravely dives into the parts of grief that can affect our faith. Grief is messy business.   Show Notes 02:28 How this is affecting her spiritual life 14:00 A spiritual crisis of faith begins when prayers for her mom's healing did not work 16:50 Why she didn't feel she couldn't share this struggle with other believers 21:35 Where you can find Kim: 23:10 The Big Reveal    26:10 Kathleen's parting thoughts Fractured trust in a time of loss is a normal reaction   28:55 Get Quiet & Ask Yourself Questions - For $2/month patreon members

• Did any of KIm’s Big Reveals make me feel uncomfortable?
• Can I identify what it was that made me feel this way? Is it because I have strong feelings about that topic that are different than hers?
• Did I notice how that felt in my body? Did I feel my heart race, my muscles tense, or sweat beginning to form on my back?
• Did I notice my emotions? Were they anger, surprise, disappointment, sadness….?
• Am I struggling with Kim as a person now? Do I sense I cannot trust her or do I feel I have lost some respect for her? Do I question the status of her salvation?

-It's important for us to allow others to wrestle and struggle in their faith -My experience of asking my own questions   35:54 If you've got a friend struggling in her faith -fight your urgency to fix her -sit with her -let her ask -you don't have to have the answers -engage in curious conversation -see her and let her know how normal it is to question   How to find Kim: Facebook Group: The Captivatingly Confident Community Website: CaptivatinglyConfident.com Podcast: The Captivatingly Confident Podcast Instagram: @kim.ludeman   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Wanna hear the why behind Kim's Big Reveal? Become a Patreon Member of this podcast and get access to the "Interview After the Interview" episode. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew   Are you a visual learner? Wish you had in written form all the guest's tips about how to be a loving supportive friend? Become a $2/month patreon member and receive an Episode Guide that outlines all her practical tips (as well as some others we didn't discuss).   Have more questions for Kim? Become a $5/month Patreon Member and get access to a Live Q&A with Connie inside our Patreon Exclusive Access Facebook Group. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew   Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast   Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters

What is it like for a 19 year old to lose her mom to cancer?   How does she process her grief when her whole world changes (her childhood home is sold and her dad remarries right away) and her support system doesn't understand how to help her grieve? Join me as I interview Kim Ludeman and her story of Grief & Loss After Losing Mom.   As a Confidence Coach, Kim Ludeman doesn't just help women feel good.   With more than 10 years of health & fitness experience, she's obsessed with creating lasting change. Kim gets her clients to stop hiding and live the life they WANT rather than one they think they SHOULD (she also created and hosts her own podcast, coordinates a private Facebook group, and offers individual and group coaching under her company Captivatingly Confident).   Kim utilizes a blend of Personal Styling, Nutrition Guidance, Mindset Coaching, and Personal Training to help women reveal their radiance.   Kim found a passion for helping women stop hiding after losing her mom to cancer when Kim was 19. Her message of body and self-acceptance has moved thousands of women into taking a more loving approach to their bodies and hearts.   She lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband, Tim. Off-hours Kim can usually be found hiking with their 5-year-old Louis and obsessing over all varieties of mustard.     Show Notes 15:30 How she got into her current business 18:00 Kim tells us her about her mom and how her life influenced who Kim became 25:00 Her mom is diagnosed with Stage 4 Uterine & Ovarian Cancer at age 43; Kim is 18 yrs old. 27:00 What was it like to know her mom didn't have long to live and how she coped with no support 31:33 What it was like to lose her mom at age 19 and to enter right back into life at college 33:00  How she responds to, "You have to stop crying. You are making everyone else uncomfortable." -She's in a better place. -God has bigger plans -We'll pray for you.   33:57 What would've felt supportive: -Hold space for them. -Hold their hand. -Put your hand on their shoulder. -Sit in the ashes with them. -Just be with them. - To be seen.   35:10 Things to Not Do: -Try not to fix it. -Compare the death to an animal's death. -Compare the death to another person -Scripture references -Say you would pray for her   42:35 She didn't just lose her mom - she loses her childhood home, her dad which drives her isolation 45:30 How she is now 15 years later -Grief is like a ball in the box with a pain button -How a baby shower triggered her grief into anger and sadness 38:00 51:56 A loving gift to her at her Baby Shower in remembrance of her mom 53:10 Kim expands on her feelings of anger in regards to her grief - how thinking she needed to trust that God has a plan made it so she felt she wasn't allowed to be angry at her situation 57:34 "Trauma (death of a loved one is a trauma) is stored in the brain"  If you find yourself stuck in anger or continually triggered or reactive, there are therapy techniques designed to help: Brain Spotting (https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/brainspotting-therapy), EFT, EMDR, Neurofeedback   Kathleen's Parting Thoughts Grief After Losing Mom

• Make room for the possibility that her relationship with mom wasn't good -don't assume
• Do you know someone who has a poor relationship with her mom - ask her about that
• Stay away from fixing or silver lining statements
• Remember the significant person in Kim's life in college, Andrea, she didn't say a word, she just held her

  Facebook Group: The Captivatingly Confident Community Website: CaptivatinglyConfident.com Podcast: The Captivatingly Confident Podcast Instagram: @kim.ludeman   Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real You   Wanna hear the why behind Kim's Big Reveal? Become a Patreon Member of this podcast and get access to the "Interview After the Interview" episode. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew   Are you a visual learner? Wish you had in written form all the guest's tips about how to be a loving supportive friend? Become a $2/month patreon member and receive an Episode Guide that outlines all her practical tips (as well as some others we didn't discuss).   Have more questions for Kim? Become a $5/month Patreon Member and get access to a Live Q&A with Connie inside our Patreon Exclusive Access Facebook Group. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew   Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast   Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters