It’s 5:30 on a Tuesday. Your child sits down to do homework, and within ten minutes, the tears start.

Maybe it’s not homework. Maybe their brother touched their stuff. Maybe you said no to screen time. Maybe you simply asked them how their day was.

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Whatever the trigger, the feelings are big. And you’re standing there thinking, “Here we go again.”

So you try what makes sense.

“Take a deep breath, honey.” They cry harder.

“It’s not that big of a deal!” Now they’re angry at you.

You try explaining why everything is going to be fine. You lay out the logic, calmly and clearly. They won't hear a word of it.

You may send them to their room to cool off. Or you give in, because you’re exhausted and it’s the fastest way to make it stop. Or, you try all of these in the same evening.

Every single one of these approaches comes from wanting to help your child feel better. And yet the meltdowns don't get shorter, and the next one comes just as fast.

Over time, something shifts. You start bracing yourself before it even happens. Your child starts to believe that their feelings are too much, too big, too hard for anyone to handle. The distance between you grows a little, right when they need you most.

Here’s what I’ve learned from decades of working with kids and families:

When we skip past the feeling, children don't feel helped.

They feel dismissed. And dismissed kids don't calm down. They get louder, or they shut down.

Children who feel heard calm down faster. And they cooperate more.

Empathizing is the first step in Emotion Coaching. When we resist the urge to jump in and fix things, we make space for our kids to understand their own feelings and to feel seen and heard by us. When we as parents acknowledge our kids’ feelings, it’s like we’re holding half their weight.

But empathy is not enough!

We don’t want to leave our kids stuck feeling “bad.” The second step of emotion coaching is to help kids learn effective coping strategies. This involves helping them think through options and empowering them to take action or view things differently.

Emotion Coaching is not about giving in or letting their feelings run the show. It's a way of responding to your child's difficult emotions that helps them understand, communicate about, and cope with their feelings.

This month's featured workshop:Emotion Coaching: Help Your Child Cope With Feelings

In this workshop, I walk you through how to respond to your child's big emotions in a way that actually helps:

• Keeping your cool when your child is losing it

• The one response that helps children understand and manage their feelings

• How to handle the situations that derail kids most: transitions, peer conflict, a change of plans, and stressful schoolwork

• Simple ways to help your child build positive feelings

It’s 58 minutes, broken into short sections you can watch whenever it works for you.

LEARN MORE

For Paid Subscribers: $20 OFF

Paid subscribers receive a COUPON CODE for $20 off the regular price of this workshop. The coupon will be sent in a separate email and expires on March 31st.

Not a paid subscriber? Upgrade now to support the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast and get monthly workshop coupons, including this month’s discount code.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

P.S. This month's Full Access live Q&A is all about your child’s emotions, so if you've been struggling with meltdowns, shutdowns, or big reactions that catch you off guard, this is your chance to ask. It's one of the perks of Full Access, which also includes all 7 of my parent workshops and 2 just for your kids, with bonus guides and curated podcast playlists. Everything you need so you're never stuck wondering what to do. Join Full Access here!

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.