Hi there,

Meanness is painfully common among adults nowadays. Name-calling, put-downs, exclusion, disrespect, and even straight-up shooting people… Is it any wonder that kids, who have less experience and (presumably) less self-control, also show mean behavior?

One of the worst kinds of meanness is when people pretend they’re not being mean and justify their actions. “It’s to keep our country safe.” “They don’t deserve to be treated with dignity.” Or, the classic, “I was just joking.” Ugh.

In this week’s podcast, Seb wants to know what to do when a kid is joking in a very unfunny way. I also included some silly jokes, so now you’ll know how juvenile my sense of humor really is. Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Be sure to check out this month’s featured workshop on helping your child cope with big feelings, plus my new Full-Access Membership!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 136 - How long should you keep a friend? (Matthew, Age 7)

Ep. 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 11)

Ep. 106 - Friend acts different when others aren’t around (Charlotte, Age 7)

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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

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Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Think of a time that another kid said something that hurt or upset you. What happened? How did you handle it?

• What are some reasons someone might say something that hurts your feelings without trying to be mean? Why is it important to assume a friend has good intentions?

• Why should your approach to unfunny joking be different depending on whether or not the joker is a friend? (Hint: Why should you only share your feelings with people who care about you?)

• How can telling a friend how you’re feeling improve your friendship?

Transcript

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?

“Ruff!”

Why did the triangle feel sorry for the circle?

Because it’s pointless!

What’s brown and sticky? The answer is: A stick!

What did you think I was going to say?

A joke is something someone says or does that makes others smile or laugh. Often, there’s an element of surprise or silliness–an unexpected twist that creates the humor. Jokes are supposed to be fun. If someone gets hurt, it’s not a joke. It’s just mean. How do you handle that?

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hey, my name’s Seb. I’m eleven years old. What do you do if someone’s joking with you, but you didn’t find it funny?

Hi, Seb. Thanks for sending in your question! That’s a difficult situation, when someone claims he’s joking with you, but it absolutely doesn’t feel funny to you.

Sometimes kids say or do mean things and then try to excuse their bad behavior by saying, “I was just joking!” Maybe they believe that; maybe they don’t. But if it’s not funny for you or whoever is being targeted, then by definition, it’s not a joke.

How you respond will depend on your relationship with the other person. If you’re not friends, try to give a very bland and boring response.

I worked with a kid once who rode the bus with a not-so-kind kid. One day, the not-so-kind kid said to my client, “You have no friends at all. Everyone hates you.” Ouch! What a mean thing to say!

Fortunately, my client was ready, and he said in his most bored tone of voice, “OK.” That ended the conversation! And luckily, there was another kid who said, “That’s not true!” So, yeah for the upstanders!

Other bored and boring responses you could give might be, “So what?” or “Tell me when you get to the funny part” or “Think what you like.” If they’re saying something racist or bigoted, you could say, matter of factly, “Your ignorance is showing.”

Then walk away, or at least turn away to show that whatever that kid is saying is not interesting. Don’t argue or get mad because that makes his comments seem too important, and it makes him feel powerful for getting a big reaction out of you.

If the other kid is bigger, tougher, or more socially powerful than you, or if it’s a bunch of kids picking on you, especially if it happens again and again, you may need to get an adult involved.

Don’t announce, “I’m telling!” Tell a teacher quietly and discreetly or talk to your grown-ups to figure out who could help.

If the kid doing the mean joking is a friend, then find a private moment, when others aren’t around, to tell him how you feel and ask for what you want. It doesn’t make sense to share your feelings with someone who doesn’t care about you, but a friend who is usually kind, probably wasn’t trying to be mean, so assume that he had good intentions, even though his comments were hurtful to you.

For example, you could say, “I know you were just trying to be funny, but I’m self-conscious about my height. Please don’t tease me about that,” or “You probably didn’t know this, but I’ve been struggling in math lately, so I felt embarrassed when you told everyone I got a bad grade on the test. Please don’t share my private information.”

A good friend cares about you, so he’ll listen, try to do better from now on, and maybe even apologize. And you’ll know that because you spoke up in a kind way, your friend now understands you better, and the two of you can move past this friendship rough spot.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.