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When The People You Love Start To Feel Distant
Have you felt a friendship slowly fade lately—without any big fight or explanation? You’re not imagining it. The quiet unraveling of friendships is more common than ever, yet we rarely talk about it.
You’ve probably heard of “quiet quitting” in the workplace—when someone disengages without formally leaving their job. Now, we’re seeing a strikingly similar pattern in our personal lives. Friendships that once felt vital are dissolving—silently.
Even high-profile celebrities aren’t immune. Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss once seemed inseparable, with their friendship regularly featured in headlines. But in recent years, fans noticed a quiet fade. No dramatic falling out. No press statements. Just a slow, mutual drift.
And it’s not just anecdotal. A 2023 global Meta-Gallup survey revealed that nearly one in four people reported feeling very or fairly lonely. That same year, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic, citing links between chronic isolation and serious health outcomes like heart disease, dementia, and depression.
So what’s really going on? Read on below. And for the full conversation, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
Why Are We Quiet Quitting Our Friends?
Here’s what the research—and what I see in clinical work—suggests:
Life TransitionsAs we age, life pulls us in different directions: careers, parenting, caregiving, health challenges. Friendships that once thrived on shared routines—school, neighborhoods, jobs—often don’t survive those shifts.
Burnout and OverwhelmEmotional bandwidth is stretched thin. In a culture that emphasizes self-care and boundaries (which is a good thing), social plans can begin to feel like obligations. Some people retreat simply because they’re exhausted.
Conflict AvoidanceFriendships, like any relationship, can be messy. When misunderstandings or hurt feelings arise, many people choose distance over discomfort. It becomes easier to slowly step back than to talk things through.
Shifting ValuesThe pandemic prompted many of us to reevaluate what—and who—truly matters. As values evolve, some friendships naturally fall out of alignment.
Digital DisconnectionWe have more ways than ever to stay “connected,” yet many people feel lonelier than ever. Social media can give us the illusion of closeness while real emotional connection quietly erodes.
Why It Hurts More Than We Realize
Quiet quitting friendships can feel like self-protection, especially during stressful seasons. But over time, it chips away at the social foundation we all need. Humans are wired for connection—real, mutual, meaningful connection.
When that’s missing, loneliness creeps in. Not all at once, but slowly, until we find ourselves emotionally isolated, even if we’re technically surrounded by people.
Build Your Circle of Small Moments
Here’s the good news: deep friendships aren’t the only kind of connection that protects our well-being.
Research shows that casual, low-pressure relationships—what social psychologists call “weak ties”—are just as important for mental and emotional health. A landmark study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who frequently engage with micro-connections—think baristas, neighbors, and friendly coworkers—report higher levels of happiness and belonging, even if they don’t have a large inner circle.
These are the kinds of interactions that make up what I call your Circle of Small Moments—a social safety net that brings warmth, meaning, and a sense of humanity to daily life.
What Does This Look Like?
Your Circle of Small Moments might include people such as:
* The receptionist who remembers your name
* The gym-goer you nod to every morning
* The neighbor you pass while walking the dog
* The coworker you laugh with in passing
* Someone online you exchange kind messages with
Each of these interactions adds a thread to your social fabric. They’re low-effort, low-risk, and surprisingly high-impact.
Your 3-Step Challenge This Week
1. Identify 3 Small Moment PeopleLook around your daily or weekly routine. Who do you engage with, even briefly?
2. Go One Step DeeperTry adding a little warmth or curiosity the next time you interact.“Hi” becomes “How’s your week going?”A nod becomes “I’ve seen you around—do you usually come at this time?”
3. ReflectAt the end of the week, ask yourself: Did these brief moments lift your mood, even a little? Did you feel more connected?
Final Thought
Your closest friendships may be shifting. That’s a natural part of adulthood. But don’t underestimate the power of casual connections. When nurtured intentionally, they can be just as protective and grounding—especially during times of change, grief, or transition.
Even if you’re not ready to reach back out to a longtime friend, you can start right now by noticing and investing in your Circle of Small Moments.
If this made a difference for you, send this to someone you love.
Shoutout Corner: My Sister’s TEDx Talk is a Must-Watch
I have to take a moment to celebrate my sister, Maria Ho, whose TEDx talk just launched—and it’s powerful. Drawing from her extraordinary career as a Hall of Fame poker player, she shares how to make confident, effective decisions when the pressure is high and the information is incomplete (sound familiar?). It’s a talk that’s not just about poker—it’s about life, leadership, and learning to trust yourself in uncertain moments. I couldn’t be prouder.
👉 Watch Maria’s TEDx talk here.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website
Take my attachment styles quiz
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe
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By Get Your Dose of Mental Wellness News and Tips in Just 10 MinutesHave you felt a friendship slowly fade lately—without any big fight or explanation? You’re not imagining it. The quiet unraveling of friendships is more common than ever, yet we rarely talk about it.
You’ve probably heard of “quiet quitting” in the workplace—when someone disengages without formally leaving their job. Now, we’re seeing a strikingly similar pattern in our personal lives. Friendships that once felt vital are dissolving—silently.
Even high-profile celebrities aren’t immune. Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss once seemed inseparable, with their friendship regularly featured in headlines. But in recent years, fans noticed a quiet fade. No dramatic falling out. No press statements. Just a slow, mutual drift.
And it’s not just anecdotal. A 2023 global Meta-Gallup survey revealed that nearly one in four people reported feeling very or fairly lonely. That same year, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic, citing links between chronic isolation and serious health outcomes like heart disease, dementia, and depression.
So what’s really going on? Read on below. And for the full conversation, check out the latest episode of Mental Health Bites Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
Why Are We Quiet Quitting Our Friends?
Here’s what the research—and what I see in clinical work—suggests:
Life TransitionsAs we age, life pulls us in different directions: careers, parenting, caregiving, health challenges. Friendships that once thrived on shared routines—school, neighborhoods, jobs—often don’t survive those shifts.
Burnout and OverwhelmEmotional bandwidth is stretched thin. In a culture that emphasizes self-care and boundaries (which is a good thing), social plans can begin to feel like obligations. Some people retreat simply because they’re exhausted.
Conflict AvoidanceFriendships, like any relationship, can be messy. When misunderstandings or hurt feelings arise, many people choose distance over discomfort. It becomes easier to slowly step back than to talk things through.
Shifting ValuesThe pandemic prompted many of us to reevaluate what—and who—truly matters. As values evolve, some friendships naturally fall out of alignment.
Digital DisconnectionWe have more ways than ever to stay “connected,” yet many people feel lonelier than ever. Social media can give us the illusion of closeness while real emotional connection quietly erodes.
Why It Hurts More Than We Realize
Quiet quitting friendships can feel like self-protection, especially during stressful seasons. But over time, it chips away at the social foundation we all need. Humans are wired for connection—real, mutual, meaningful connection.
When that’s missing, loneliness creeps in. Not all at once, but slowly, until we find ourselves emotionally isolated, even if we’re technically surrounded by people.
Build Your Circle of Small Moments
Here’s the good news: deep friendships aren’t the only kind of connection that protects our well-being.
Research shows that casual, low-pressure relationships—what social psychologists call “weak ties”—are just as important for mental and emotional health. A landmark study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who frequently engage with micro-connections—think baristas, neighbors, and friendly coworkers—report higher levels of happiness and belonging, even if they don’t have a large inner circle.
These are the kinds of interactions that make up what I call your Circle of Small Moments—a social safety net that brings warmth, meaning, and a sense of humanity to daily life.
What Does This Look Like?
Your Circle of Small Moments might include people such as:
* The receptionist who remembers your name
* The gym-goer you nod to every morning
* The neighbor you pass while walking the dog
* The coworker you laugh with in passing
* Someone online you exchange kind messages with
Each of these interactions adds a thread to your social fabric. They’re low-effort, low-risk, and surprisingly high-impact.
Your 3-Step Challenge This Week
1. Identify 3 Small Moment PeopleLook around your daily or weekly routine. Who do you engage with, even briefly?
2. Go One Step DeeperTry adding a little warmth or curiosity the next time you interact.“Hi” becomes “How’s your week going?”A nod becomes “I’ve seen you around—do you usually come at this time?”
3. ReflectAt the end of the week, ask yourself: Did these brief moments lift your mood, even a little? Did you feel more connected?
Final Thought
Your closest friendships may be shifting. That’s a natural part of adulthood. But don’t underestimate the power of casual connections. When nurtured intentionally, they can be just as protective and grounding—especially during times of change, grief, or transition.
Even if you’re not ready to reach back out to a longtime friend, you can start right now by noticing and investing in your Circle of Small Moments.
If this made a difference for you, send this to someone you love.
Shoutout Corner: My Sister’s TEDx Talk is a Must-Watch
I have to take a moment to celebrate my sister, Maria Ho, whose TEDx talk just launched—and it’s powerful. Drawing from her extraordinary career as a Hall of Fame poker player, she shares how to make confident, effective decisions when the pressure is high and the information is incomplete (sound familiar?). It’s a talk that’s not just about poker—it’s about life, leadership, and learning to trust yourself in uncertain moments. I couldn’t be prouder.
👉 Watch Maria’s TEDx talk here.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Check out my TEDxReno talk
Visit my website
Take my attachment styles quiz
Follow me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Instagram
Follow me on Facebook
Follow me on TikTok
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe