So today is day two of taking one capsule of EMP. I think I've had a little bit less anxiety today. Today, it's kind of sunny out, or at least it was. So I decided to take a Kia Soul for a test drive. Because right now I have a 1992 Toyota Corolla. And that's definitely not going to get me to California. So I'm not sure if I'll be driving a new vehicle, driving my Corolla, taking an airplane or a train. Right now my car has a broken driver's side, outside door handle. So I either have to leave the car open a crack, or climb in the passenger side Batman style. And I don't mind leaving an open a crack. But if it's a hill, then the door actually stays open too far. So I have to lock it, I have to close it. And once I click it, it's, it's in the passenger door for me. And I backed up a few boxes today. As I'm hoping to get everything of my staff my personal stuff into my second bedroom. And I still haven't officially quit my job. But I'll have to deal with that in the next couple of days. Because it's official, I am going to go to California. And after tomorrow and already even could be by today, but I'll say for sure January 1, it'll have been the longest that I've managed to stay out of the psych ward, since I started having relapses. So I had three so called relapses. And it'd be the longest I've managed to not have a relapse. And part of it could be because of this self dialog stuff. I was watching some TED talks today. And one of them. It wasn't particularly interesting, somebody's talking about their experience of bipolar disorder. But one thing she said was having somebody to talk to about it. And and in this process, I at least have myself to talk to you about it. And then I watched another TED talk that says that the best predictor of happiness and, and longevity and things like that. His relationships are having satisfying and meaningful relationships. I actually think that it might be owning a bad day. I just got mine hooked up today, it was a Christmas present. And I haven't tried it yet. I'm a little bit afraid of the cold water, it'll be like Yikes. But I'm actually thinking that they're gonna have to rewrite their 75 year study and say that the actual best predictor of happiness is having a bad day, which is a bump sprayer that goes on your toilet. But second, would definitely be relationships. And I have some really good relationships in my life. Though I would love to be able to have more. Maybe it's not even just relationships, but relating because I did the best when I was living in community mental health community. And then after that I was working in a medical office and there was just a lot of people coming in a lot of relating even though I didn't have super close long term friendships with people there that I did a lot of relating. I was thinking about gestures again today because I was thinking about how even something as simple as letting somebody in in traffic and then they give a wave. It's a gesture. It's a stranger giving a gesture. But in that moment, both people are on the same page. Both people are related. There's this giving and receiving. So one person's giving the gesture the other person's receiving the gesture. And in that moment in that give and receive It's just one relationship is just one thing. It's one consciousness, it's to suppose that individual consciousnesses meeting in this relationship in that both understand what that means. And I think that is sort of the key to oneness, in a way. Because if I'm having a conversation with somebody, and we're talking back and forth and say we're just arguing about opinions, it's two separate things. There's no actual communication there. But the true communication happens when one person is giving the other receiving and both actually know what it means. And that's when to sort of become one. And I think the ability to do that is what's really powerful. And I think that's part of those human dimensions, those inner human dimensions. And it's part of even being playful. being playful like that, both people have to get it. And so what I'm trying to say is that a lot of times in conversations, we're not actually communicating because one person is only holding on to their own stuff. And we're not seeing the same thing together. At the same time. Krishnamurti calls that thinking together when we both see the same thing at the same time. And I feel that's more difficult to do with words. But I think it happens when we are playful, or when we have this gesture. So if I give a gesture of, of a hug, we both kind of know what that means. And, and some people maybe don't want the hugs, they don't receive it. And then maybe they receive it, but not actually receive the gesture of it, they're more thinking that they don't like it, which happens. But what I'm saying when both people see in this given receive in the same realm moment together, then there's that togetherness. And I think those micro moments of togetherness are what are important. And that's part of the whole random acts of kindness and the kind gestures. Even if a person doesn't need the gesture, they still get the intention of the gesture. And if they're receiving the intention of the gesture, it's like the same thing as receiving the gesture. So maybe that's part of the placebo, too, is that there's the intention of the pill and a person takes the sugar pill, the intention of the pill, is to have this healing fact, even though it's a sugar pill. But both the giver of the pill and the receiver of the pill, know that the intention of the pill is to to heal some certain thing. And so it has a healing effect, just like a kind gesture, even though somebody doesn't end up meeting the door held for them, they still receive that kindness. I'm just really thinking about when our minds really meet. I was driving to the dealership today. And somebody had stopped before an intersection in order to let someone out of a driveway. And I noticed that so I stopped to even though I was in the lane over and they could have just gone into the curb lane. But since I stopped to the person did end up driving in front of me. And they the person waved at me and the other person that stopped so and then when that person waved I, I felt I felt good. I felt like oh, I stopped and they did want to go in this lane. So that was that was helpful. And and then the person on their car pulled in front of mine, they had one of those little Jesus fish and I was like, yeah, that was Jesus doing it for you. And I don't mean that in a condescending way I was just like, in a way that was sort of Christ Consciousness looking out for each other and treating each other how we would like to be treated. So it was sort of to me symbolic, because this person obviously was a person of faith. And and they receive the gesture kindly and and it made me feel good as well. And then it just was a little funny that there was the the Jesus fish there. I was watching another TED talk about glial cells and, and their possible connection to mood disorders. The reason I'm just thinking of this is because I've always sort of wondered, well, how does fish oil help with psychosis because there's studies that Fish Oil is, is good for psychosis. It's it's good prevention, it's good as as to keep it from reoccurring. There are studies about that. It's actually on document. I don't know if I talked about it, but there's a document about the different stages of psychosis and, and in the earlier stages of psychosis, it's good to take fish oil. I'm just wondering if fish oil has a role in helping with glial cells somehow. I don't know if that's true. But they definitely say that fish oil helps to repair the hippocampus, which has to do with the fork sensation, and things like that. And then I watched another TED talk, and it was talking about neuroplasticity. And this lady who she had a problem with her brain her whole life. And when she was 25, she learned about neuroplasticity, and developed certain exercises for her brain to repair that area. And when she was able to do that, also, then she could tell time, and then all of a sudden, she could read philosophy, whereas the her whole life, she had no comprehension of what so ever It was like gibberish to her. And I was sort of thinking about how I was talking about neuroplasticity before. And I have this feeling like I have to go back and watch some of my videos to sort of remember what I was even talking about, because I don't know. And also to maybe re extrapolate some of it, I don't know. But she was talking about how she was able to repair that area of her brain that she was born with having a deficit in. And there was another person she came across who had the same deficit, but because of a gunshot wound. So she was born with it. And then once she learned how to, once you learn where the problem was exactly, she learned how to develop exercises in order to get that part to pretty much repair. And I've already talked about how I think there's neuroplasticity in bipolar. But what got me thinking was that that even if there are some kind of deficits or brain damage that occurred during the process of mental illness, neuroplasticity says that it can be fixed and healed. And I know there's things like cognitive behavioral therapy, but that's not exactly the same thing as as this neural plasticity thing, and maybe it's because they've never really identified exactly where or damaged, though they do show things that are going on with the prefrontal cortex, which I feel the prefrontal cortex is more just noise anyway. So to me, part of the neuroplasticity of bipolar or mental illness is to shut down the areas of the brain that are overactive. That and it's possible it does that in order to conserve energy for these new areas of the brain to turn on again. And I talked about these atrophied circuits that we have, and how we over rely on our prefrontal cortex. And then so eventually, that sort of short circuits and part of Elise in the bipolar process, all these other circuits come online and, and everything seems so new. And I actually feel like neuroplasticity in general is is shut down by our habitual ways of being. And the ways we've been taught that learning is memorizing. And so I've talked about how I feel like this manic energy in this energy is trying to reignite the brain in order to learn again, well, what is learning? It's neuroplasticity, that's what's required. So alert, learning is synonymous with neuroplasticity. And so I feel like in that manic consciousness, all this neuroplasticity is happening all this new growth or this reactivation of old circuits. And when that's when the environments not supporting that, those sort of, they're attempting to turn on and they just go, again, because somebody is received and sort of medicated into submission. And I think those areas of the prefrontal cortex go offline in favor, like these abstracting of old things and regurgitating old information that goes offline, in favor of newness and learning and we're in this hyper learning state. But the environment isn't such, like I talked about. It's not designed for people to remain in that type of consciousness. And one of the TED Talks I was watching, I think it was the same lady. They talked, she talked about how, how rats in very stimulating environments learn faster. So I feel like manic consciousness puts the brain into a state where the environment is overstimulating, in order to facilitate learning. So, for me, I remember six years ago, when I got back from California, I looked around my same old neighborhood, my same old house, my same old everything, and everything felt new. And everything felt fresh, and everything felt possible, and everything felt like I could see how something could be designed into something really cool. And I felt very creative. Whereas Normally, I would just feel like normal, I would have been adapted to most things. So all of a sudden, my brain was no longer adapted to my situation. So it turns, the brain turns into a hyper learning device. And everything seems so interesting, and, and creative. In order for the brain to learn, I think those two sort of things happening are one in the same, the brains learning, so everything seems new, and everything seems new. So the brain is learning. And the main thing that I got out of watching a few TED talks today was that we have neural plasticity. So even if there is some kind of damage or defect, which I don't feel there is I think the defect is in the way reality is designed and how we've designed it as this present of staying alive instead of a place of really feeling and being alive. So then I think back to my question, what would a manic do? A manic would get a Kia Soul, and drive to California, even though I will have zero money and see what happens. And part of it is manic lifestyle design. And I talked about lifestyle design. I feel like right now. At least I'm slowly sort of getting myself in alignment with manic lifestyle design. And I feel like my brain wants to go into hyper learning and it wants to go into relationship again. And I've spent a lot of time alone these last couple of months. And I'm still managing but I haven't. I haven't been 100%. So I think one of the questions is how to activate that hyper learning, not necessarily mania. It's one thing to have this energy come in and activate all those different possibilities, those different domains and dimensions of our being that we don't normally have access to. But I feel like it gives us that hint, it gives us that clue. And just like how they said a rat in overstimulating environment learns much faster. The Magic energy gives us that overstimulating environment. But can we sort of create this lifestyle design this manic lifestyle design, where we will be learning faster? And not only that, not only learning faster, but what is it that this energy is wanting us to learn? And I talked about things like oneness and and what does that even mean? I almost feel like synchronicity in a way is personal. It's like meaningful coincidences that are personal for me. It's not necessarily a synchronicity for somebody else. When I have a synchronicity by by being playful, and trying to create these micro relationships, these these oneness moments, we're both people are really on the same wavelength no matter what wavelength that is. giving and receiving of gestures and knowing what that means. I feel like that's a way of synchronizing. So it's not necessarily synchronicity. So it's one thing for the universe to create meaning for me. But it's another it's another thing for me to create meaning for somebody else, through kind gestures. And I was thinking again about how relationship heals. And I was thinking about my experience in the psych ward and April, now is the worst day ever, and I was on medication that was making me worse. And then a woman showed up that I know and, and we just had a 10 minute chat, and then she left and I felt so much better. And it was like the relationship was so much more powerful. And I was thinking about the relationship in particular, obviously, she didn't show up to judge me. She just showed up to say hi, and due to I don't think she had an agenda. She just brought me some kombucha, wanted to say hi, and see how it's doing for 10 minutes, not Oh, stay for an hour and like, console me or anything. She just wanted to stop by and, and that was enough. But I feel it's, it's really the unconditional ness of it, and the non judgement, and not trying to do anything. It was just a gesture of kindness. And what I'm trying to say with that is that even helping somebody, or trying to help somebody sometimes can be a sort of aggressive, masculine, violent energy. And I'm not talking about overtly violent, but there's a subtle violence, I'm actually trying to help somebody because we almost think that the way that we're trying to help is the way they need help. So I'm just saying, for example, if she would have showed up with like a worksheet of how to solve emotional problems, not that she would have, I think I would have been a little bit like, but she just showed up to say hi, and just have a chat. So there was no agenda, there is what I'm trying to say. She wasn't trying to do anything. And I guess part of that has to do with what I was listening to with the Shawn Blackwell videos, because I'm up to like video 19 now, but he was talking about in some of his videos of the importance of just being with somebody who's in distress and not trying to do anything to them, being with them, not trying to do anything to them not trying to fix. And there was another podcast I listened to quite a while ago. And invisibie Leah podcast, and it was on that exact thing was that trying to fix actually hinders a person's healing. And part of that too, is because a person knows how they need to heal. It's a matter of just having loving support in order to do so. I think that's another reason I have trouble with pure support, even because it's not supposed to be goal oriented, but they've set it up that way. Because, you know, they have to measure some kind of result. You know, if you don't write down a goal, well, then nothing's gonna happen and nobody's going to achieve anything. I think it's setting up expectations. There's, it's there's so many things that I've never done goal setting in my entire period of time since I was diagnosed. Nobody's actually sat down with me and had goals. And I've done a lot of good stuff. I've had a lot of support, a lot of relationship, a lot of fun, a lot of laughter, a lot of playfulness, a lot of those inner human dimensions that I talked about, and none of this whole Oh, you got to tell me what it is you're going to try to do. Because that actually limits what it is a person can actually accomplish. Because once you have a fixated goal, then you're going to miss out on everything else. I don't really believe in goal setting and I don't believe in focusing and I don't I believe in being alert and attentive and, and awake. And that doesn't imply focusing. So I'm hoping 2017 will be a year of embodied mania. And I don't even remember all the stuff that I said about that. Maybe I can attempt to try to create that without going back to listen to what I said, because then I just get caught in that trap of overthinking things. I know I said stuff about harvest your mania bodying, mania? Learning neuroplasticity? So it's a matter of what do I want to learn? How do I want my brain to be? neuro plastic? I think part of the trouble is that the stuff that I want to talk about are sort of taboo in the community, where I have a lot of my friends and acquaintances. Things about coming off of medication, things about there's gifts in mental health conditions as they're seen. And as part of conscious evolution, it's part of the evolution of consciousness. And I think Shawn Blackwell actually sums it all up the best in terms of easy to follow videos. And a lot of what I've talked about, is similar in his work, I talked about scrambling the ego, he talks about a collapse of the ego. And the ego is what prevents learning because it already knows everything. It's always talking about what it knows. And so one can't be on the lookout for new things to learn, because it's talking about what it knows. So yeah, I just really like how I came across that TED talk that talked about neuroplasticity in terms of a brain deficit that a woman had for 25 years that she was born with. And if she can do something to change that, then I think I can do something to neuro plastically change if there are any things that are, are sort of faulty in my brain. And they're not necessarily faulty per se, but they're limiting me from something. I think part of it is that we need to collaborate and communicate, and actually join brains. I think part of it is that neuroplasticity isn't just about Oh, me my brain and learning, you know, I could learn to do cartwheels all day long. And that would change my brain in a certain way. Or I could learn to actually join brains and think together with other brains who think in this way. And I think that is what's going to allow these neuro types these neuro tribes to, to develop right now people with a diagnosis of a mental health condition are seen as defective. And they're seen as they're seen as less than, and we might be sort of less than apparently, in individually. But if we actually come together, and start talking together about our brain and our, our experiences in this way, and then we see Wow, it's so common, like we're actually a neural tribe. And then when we see we're a neural tribe, it's what do we create beyond that, and I think we're going to create a different reality that is actually more in alignment with how our brains want to learn. Instead of just consuming TV and all this mundane stuff. When we go into manic consciousness, our brain is so powerful that we don't even really gravitate towards those mundane things like TV, and we are out looking at the flowers and they're telling us their life story and we're extrapolating that to the sun and, and everything is just completely. Anyway, I think it has something to do with the brain wanting to learn. And I think manic energy puts us in that energy where everything seems so new, the environment is stimulating and we're learning and when we're in that state, we learn different rules of reality of what's actually congruent with human nature. And then we come back, and we get pathologized. But we can still work towards harvesting what we learned in that state in order to create that world for real, not just in brain states. But how do we make that break brain state mirrored in our external reality? When somebody invents something and starts with a vision, well how can we invent that vision that we saw in manic consciousness?

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