When Your Parents Won't Let Go

How do you honour difficult parents? What does biblical respect look like when your mum won't accept you're an adult, or your dad's choices have caused genuine hurt?

Jenny Mariner brings twelve years of teaching teenagers and raising two young children to this honest exploration of one of the Bible's most challenging commands. She unpacks the crucial difference between childhood obedience (temporary) and honour (permanent), offering practical wisdom for navigating complicated family dynamics with grace.

In this conversation, we explore:

• Why learning obedience as children shapes our entire lives
• The shift from obeying parents to honouring them as adults
• What honour actually looks like in practice
• Setting healthy boundaries without dishonoring parents
• Handling controlling, absent, or abusive parents
• Finding peace by accepting your parents' limits

[03:00] Why Childhood Obedience Actually Matters

Jenny shares a powerful story from her teaching years about a student who wouldn't obey anyone, constantly wandering corridors and disrupting others.

"This child is not learning how to function in society. That is what learning obedience when you are young is about - none of us get to do whatever we want all the time."

What we discover:

• God is a God of order, not chaos - Genesis shows this clearly
• No society has ever successfully run on anarchy
• Learning obedience helps us trust our parents, which helps us trust God
• Childhood is where we learn our place in society and relationships

Key takeaway: Obedience isn't about crushing personality - it's about learning that healthy societies need structure.

[08:00] The Critical Shift - Obedience to Honour

Jenny makes the crucial distinction many of us miss about what changes when we become adults.

"The overall key point in a nutshell is that obedience is important in childhood and honour remains a permanent obligation throughout our lives - whatever the dynamics in your family."

Understanding the difference:

• Exodus 20 says "honour" not "obey" your parents
• It's the only commandment with a promise attached - long life
• As adults, you're responsible for your own choices
• But honour doesn't end when childhood does

Key takeaway: You don't have to obey your parents as an adult, but you're still called to honour them.

[14:00] What Honour Actually Looks Like

Jenny gets practical about what honouring parents means in everyday life.

"Honouring in the Bible is about treating someone with proper respect and value. It's about saying, you are my parent. You birthed me, you raised me. You did your best, even if actually your best was inadequate."

Practical ways to honour:

• Speaking about them with care and respect
• Seeking their wisdom (without blind obedience)
• Regular communication - Jenny schedules specific days her mum sees the kids
• Using technology for distance relationships
• Providing emotional and practical support as they age

Key takeaway: Honour is active, not passive - it requires intentional choices about how we treat our parents.

[24:00] Healthy Boundaries Are Biblical

Jenny challenges the false idea that honouring means having no boundaries.

"Despite everything I've said about honour and communication and respect and care, it is okay, it's biblical to have healthy boundaries."

Real talk about boundaries:

• Genesis talks about leaving mother and father to become one with your spouse
• If parents are overbearing, boundaries protect your marriage
• Boundaries create space for healthier relationships
• In abusive situations, harsh boundaries are necessary and right

Key takeaway: Boundaries aren't dishonoring - they're about creating space for genuine relationship.

[32:00] Making Time as Adult Children

The conversation explores what honouring looks like when life gets busy.

"One of the things my mum has said to me is like, you are always in such a rush to have time to hear me. I've tried to be really intentional - actually I value her and I want her to know that."

Practical wisdom:

• Don't let busyness create long gaps between contact
• Slow down enough to genuinely listen
• Your parents aren't just there when you need them
• Intentional time matters more than perfect visits

Key takeaway: Honouring parents includes actually making time for them, not just fitting them in when convenient.

[45:00] When Parents Are Difficult But Not Abusive

A comment raised the common scenario: constantly critical, boundary-crossing parents who drain you emotionally.

Matt Edmundson responded:

"Honour doesn't mean unlimited access to you or letting someone repeatedly hurt you. I think sometimes honouring is actually establishing really good boundaries and sticking with them."

Jenny added from experience:

• The more you deal with your own stuff through therapy and friends, the better you navigate it
• You might need strict boundaries in one season
• Accessing your own healing helps you handle similar situations better over time
• Remember that hurt people hurt others

Key takeaway: Your own healing journey directly impacts your ability to maintain healthy boundaries with grace.

[48:00] Honouring Abusive Parents

Jenny was unequivocal about keeping yourself safe.

"You definitely have to keep yourself safe. There isn't anything that would suggest otherwise in scripture. Worst case scenario would be no contact at all."

Difficult truths:

• Safety always comes first
• No contact might be necessary and that's okay
• Even then, consider what small honour might look like
• Think carefully about where you share your story
• Forgiveness doesn't mean letting people off the hook

Matt added crucial perspective about reporting abuse - it needs to stop, not just for you but potentially for others.

Key takeaway: Honouring doesn't mean exposing yourself to ongoing harm. Sometimes the boundary has to be absolute.

[53:00] Absent Parents and Forgiveness

Jenny shared about a friend whose father disappeared for twenty years then reappeared.

"It was interesting that he had just done enough forgiving that he was able to handle his dad reappearing on the scene. He'd done the business to deal with that rather than just sitting in the resentment."

Hope for absence:

• Processing pain doesn't contradict honouring parents
• Hold both truths in tension
• What does honour look like? It might not be very much
• Ask God what he's leading you to do specifically

Key takeaway: It's okay if honouring an absent parent doesn't look like much - but forgiveness work matters regardless.

[57:00] When Becoming a Parent Changes Everything

Matt and Dan both reflected on how their perspective shifted dramatically.

Matt shared:

"I didn't really understand what mum and dad went through as parents until I became a parent. I was a lot more empathetic to some of the situations they faced. My respect and my admiration for my parents grew when I became a parent myself."

Dan agreed:

"You think before you're a parent that you are tired, that you have lots of things to do. And then you become a parent, you go, 'No, I wasn't tired and I had nothing to do.' It's that stark."

Key takeaway: Parenting gives you empathy for what your parents faced that you simply couldn't understand before.

Finding Peace in Accepting Limits

Jenny's most powerful moment came when she talked about her sister desperately wanting their parents to change.

"I have learned some peace, which I feel is God-given peace from accepting my parents' limits. They're not beyond change, but it's unlikely. I can have more peace if I say, 'This is how they currently are. How do I honour and respect them? What are the healthy boundaries? What can I do within the current scenario rather than rallying against it to change all the time?'"

This isn't giving up - it's finding peace in reality rather than constant frustration.