Doc ditches the fam at the end of the Cyber Wars and Irish Moses grows up to be the village super cop

* * *

The Cyberwars have taken quite a toll on mankind and only seven humans remain on this side of the universe. Those who haven’t already been killed or assimilated, so legend says, have escaped by portaling from a distant MacGuffin planet to an even more distant utopian galaxy. The no-longer-Lone Cyberman, Ashad, won’t stand for even one human surviving, and is personally overseeing the last volley of executions. Unlucky for him, The Thirteenth Doctor and her companions are on the case, and about to cock up their rescue mission and obviously get split up in the process.

Meanwhile, sometime, before maybe, a baby boy named Brendan is Moses’ing in the middle of the road and adopted by loving parents. Eventually he grows up to join the local police force, get shot, fall off a cliff and somehow survive unscathed. Pretty typical olde worlde coming-of-age stuff, really, but are his parents really that loving? Is there something Twilight Zoney going on here? Wait, why isn’t his dad ageing?! The point is, electroconvulsive therapy is a pretty quirky way to celebrate one’s retirement.

Doc and Mel B dodge senior citizen cannibals and team up with colour-coded girl gangs against the fascists standing in their way of a swimming pool

* * *

In a desperate bid to finally witness something of interest in the universe and enable her character arc to culminate in something even remotely meaningful, Mel B compels The Seventh Doctor to take her to a block of flats with a rooftop pool. The titular Paradise Towers, however, is less Pleasantville, more Heavenly Haven, and instead of opulence and leisure, our two time travellers are met with graffiti and grime.

Residents of Paradise Towers include colour-coded badass lasses, cannibal Golden Girls, cowardly Rambo and neo-fascist caretakers employing oversized murder tanks as cleaners. Did I just say murder tanks? You betcha, because gigantic white death machines with nary a feather duster but an abundance of drills patrol the carrydoors in search of human vermin to feed to a pair of smokey neon eyes in the basement.

Instantly separated, Doc and Mel B gung-ho their way through this overacted Dredd prequel, team up with the least likely or deserving of locals, and/or saunter into obvious traps. Wherever they turn, they’re either assaulted by geriatrics, analphabets or bureaucrats. Nowhere is safe in Paradise Towers! The noblest of goals propel them on their adventure, though, for Doc will not rrrrrrrrrest until he rrrrreveals the villainous arrrrchitect in the crrrrrrypt, and Mel really wants to go for a swim. Allegory ensues

A chilling new nemesis in search of a firmware upgrade terrorises a literary coterie at the absolute zenith of its creativity

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Doc and the fam have reached the ‘let’s dress up and meet some famous authors’ stage of deliberately avoiding dealing with your mysterious backstory, and with Shakespeare's labours lost to a previous series, it’s the turn of Mary Shelley and Frankenstein to waste some time. So our needlessly many heroes rock up at Lake Geneva in 1816, the year without a summer, but to their chagrin it seems our literary squadron are equally intent on dancing around the subject.

Doc is fearful Mary may not be inspired to begin her novel on this dark and stormy night—but relax, Doc, things are about to get modern prometheus AF. No one knows where Percy Bysshe lurketh, Byron has designs on being a total cad with Mrs. Doctor, and the house has a habit of transmogrifying into a labyrinthine nightmare, and to cap it all it appears a traveller from across time and space has set his sights on making this soiree at the Villa Diodati a night to remember.

The Rani implements a convoluted stratagem and the Seventh Doctor skips over plot holes in his debut serial

* * *

Taking off his Colin Baker wig, Sylvester McCoy arises as the Seeeeeeeventh Doctor in a debut serial, and where better to kick off than in a quarry? The Rani has returned to wreak havoc upon the universe through the most simplistic of plots. She’s simply going to kidnap geniuses from across time and space, suck out their intelligence, implant it into a gigantic brain she’s got lying around, then use that brain to create a new element with which she’ll detonate an asteroid that will create a supernova which will transform her planet into a time manipulator which she can use to give the dinosaurs a second chance. If only she had some sort of time machine that would enable her to do it more easily.

With a battery of garbled proverbs and a perpetually screaming companion, however, The Doctor might just be able to save the day, if only his memory were intact and The Rani didn’t have an army of bat monsters. The local enslaved population isn’t much help either. Imagine if David Bowie had a dragon era, then imagine that he lost the use of his arms and ran around a lot, then imagine he made the crystal balls from Labyrinth into gigantic, killer capsules, then imagine him as a dragon-person in a killer crystal ball capsule flying into a mountain. Quite an image isn’t it… er, where were we? Oh yes, with no help from the local population, it looks like our heroes will have to rely on that most elusive of gifts, the coinkidink.

Well, we would if you’d stop fingering our ears, buddy.

* * *

When the Thirteenth Doctor drops off her three companions you had better believe she’s just waiting for an excuse to pop off and pick up another one. One instantaneous excuse later, she finds herself in medieval Aleppo recruiting an emotionally vulnerable local woman who’s about to freak out when she sees the inside of the TARDIS. Meanwhile back on Earth, the fam are all freaking out as well as they’re accosted by Zellin, a scalp-tattooed sadist with detachable fingers who creeps on people in their sleep and has a tendency to vanish in puffs of smoke.

Doc won’t stand for these shenanigans, however, and with her extended fam of four assembled she sets about piecing together the mystery. Yaz has a backstory of unresolved guilt; Graham has visions of a woman in a space orb; Ryan’s pal hasn’t done the dishes; and the lady from Aleppo watched her carers get abducted by a monster. It can only mean one thing, and thus she pilots the TARDIS to a space station orbiting the site of two planets on a collision course with one another for “a millennia” and something orb-shaped stuck in-between them. Auricularity ensues.

A heartfelt look back at the highs and lows of the fabulous Colin Baker’s run as The Sixth Doctor

* * *

Wow, that went by quickly! We spent last year watching, reviewing and enjoying The Sixth Doctor, so in keeping with tradition we are kicking off this year with a look back at his run.

Colin Baker, in addition to being an utterly spiffing chap, is a fantastic actor and we would have loved more of him on screen. Tune in as we spend a relaxed evening chatting about the highs and lows of his era. In fact, there are regrettably so few episodes to go through, that we go through them all here. Among other things, we also discuss:

• How the Sixth Doctor compares to other Classic and New Who Doctors
• The most entertaining / least appealing serials
• The greatest / most disappointing villains
• The best / worst aliens
• His companions
• And of course his trial

Farewell, Sixth Doctor. We'll miss you!

Happy New Year, Podcastland! OMG, it’s 2023, the year we catch up!

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Thanks for a fabulous 2022, dearest Podcastland! 

Here’s wishing you a mesmerisingly happy 2023, awash with good health, good fortune, fun, laughs, smooches, pooches, mittens, kittens, tonnes of giggles, sunshine, peace and love! 

Lots of hugs,

WBW

Vloggers neither mourn nor vlog in this well-intentioned eco-piece. Also, why would you camp in a tip?!

* * *

An astronaut returning to Earth is kidnapped by aliens inexplicably hiding out in Hong Kong, but manages to text his unlikely husband and spare-time child-tackler to come rescue him, using a mobile phone he probably doesn’t have. Meanwhile in Peru, the travel blogging duo of Gabriella and didn’t-catch-her-name-but-she’ll-be-dead-soon-anyway discover a beautiful river has been turned into a tip and decide to camp out in it. Also meanwhile, on Madagascar’s only stretch of beach, a submariner washes ashore with some very plasticky eczema. What do these places have in common except for a morality tale about pollution? 

Doc and her fam are there, that’s what. Never mind that, though, because birds are falling out of the sky and humanity is about to be afflicted by a global pandemic with deadly consequences. No, not that one, the kind that can be fixed simply by douching the stratosphere. Good thing Doc’s three companions are about to be joined by three further idiots travelling, because how else could the fam possibly tackle such a confluence of calamitous events? When the pandemic in this case is identified as an alien pathogen that metastasises plastic and turns people into dust, Doc and her chums must act fast before it’s too late.

The Valeyard's true identity revealed, a surprise Master appearance, and a trial finale that would not hold up in court

* * *

The trial of, and our time with, the Sixth Doctor are coming to an end. Doc sticks to his guns, and yet again insists that the Matrix has been tampered with, calling into question the validity of the so-called evidence against him. Extra Time Lord character of the week, The Keeper of the Matrix, of course insists this is impossible. Great argument, guy. Nevertheless, there’s a bit of a stalemate. Good thing the Master pops up on the screen then to handily prove that the Matrix security is about as good as a “keep out” sign, because he’s been hanging around in there all this time!

Another thing the Master’s been working on is sending Sabalom Glitz and Mel Bush to the trial as witnesses for the Doc’s defence. Yes, you heard that correctly, the Master wants Doc to win this one. To clarify, as things transpire, he’d quite like Doc and the Valeyard to strangle each other in a deathly mud wrestling match. Hot. And so, as we all knew it would, a season of Judge Judy, however entertaining, must inevitably transform into a tangled mess of Scooby Doo tropes, as Doc and the Valeyard play Who’s Imagination is this Anyway across time, space and reality.

A WHO-dunnit with provocative space plants that flounders a little in the mystery department

* * *

After a small recess in the trial, we’re treated to another piece of evidence, i.e. another regular Doctor Who serial played out on Time Lord TV. This time, however, it’s Doc who’s using some material from the Matrix, as he’s finally got a chance to defend himself. Weirdly, he’s chosen a piece from the future, which he’s reviewed out-of-episode and has decided will absolutely, without question, prove his innocence and definitely, in no way whatsoever will it backfire. Oh, it’s possible he was also influenced by the producers because it conveniently gifts us a new companion without any of the awkward “getting to know them” stage.

So then, Hyperion 3, a space liner in, well, space is on its way somewhere and has about enough passengers for a Christie’esque mystery. There’s the security guard with an ulterior motive; the two discriminated aliens with a grudge; the botanists with a hidden agenda; and a few red shirts to make it all worthwhile. Doc and his new companion, Mel, arrive amongst this convenient setup, having been summoned by way of a mayday, and are soon drawn into the many parallel plots happening around them. Sentient plant life is being smuggled aboard; someone keeps breaking crockery; and another’s just been murdered. It now falls upon our intrepid twosome to figure out whodunnit!