Parenting as God Parents. Parenting is a tall order.  Not only does it mean forming little minds and souls while keeping little bodies protected and provided for but parents image God.  How we relate to little people as parents or in roles of authority becomes how they perceive the Lord.  Because they perceive us as all-knowing and all-powerful (even though we are NOT), how we interact with them becomes how they perceive He Who is really all-knowing and all-powerful.  This can be done in a beautifully good way, as St. Therese of Lisieux’s parents imaged God for her.  Through her autobiography, Story of a Soul, the reader can see how she so naturally transitioned from being related to in a loving way that she came to understand that she is lovable and then could so easily perceive God as loving her deeply.  It was the reception of that love that filled her and strengthened her interior life. So, when it was lacking externally from uncharitable experiences from her religious sisters, she could maintain her peace.

In psychologist Madeline Levine’s article, Raising Successful Children, she explains that being overly protective and controlling of children does them no favors.  It can cripple them emotionally.  It’s the sweet spot of setting high expectations, being available, and attentive but letting go that is most beneficial.  When we focus on controlling the external results, a child loses motivation, comes to see themselves as incapable, and can become fearful of trying because of possible failure.

On the contrary, when we foster the internal development of the child – focusing on the development of character rather than external results, a child develops a self, an interior sense of who they are as someone who can struggle through obstacles and so is capable to handle the challenges that life might put in front of them.

I know this can be easier said than done if we were neglected in some way as children.  We can want to catch them before they fall.  Also, if we see their achievements as a reflection of who we are, we can try to live vicariously through them.  Let’s consider, though, how God parents us.  He has set high expectations of us by calling us to love Him, ourselves, and one another.  He is always available to us and yet respects the free will He has given us, and He doesn’t interfere with that.  As we choose the good it is not just the good result that is good, the choosing itself is good.  It’s the exercise of virtue and freedom when we had the ability and option of doing otherwise that is so precious.  It’s not just winning the good fight that is good.  The choosing to fight the good fight is where the victory begins.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t be persons.  We would be robots.

If you struggle to allow your child the good struggle that will allow him or her to develop interiorly, ask the Lord to show you what fear might lurk behind that.  Good Father, please give us the grace to parent as you do and so endow the children you entrust to us with truly free wills that are capable of choosing the good, especially You who are the greatest good.

May the Lord give you peace.

The post Parenting as God Parents (Replay) appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

Episode #2 – Introduction to Trauma Series (Avoiding Spiritual Identity Theft!)

Have you or someone you love endured sufferings in which you continue to feel stuck?  Does this leave you feeling confused or even fearful, perhaps even rejected or abandoned by God?  Unfortunately, there are so many types of trauma and such experiences are so prevalent that it’s difficult to imagine someone who hasn’t been traumatized at one time or another.

Have you ever been told or thought that if you only had greater faith you’d be able to overcome feelings of abandonment, rejection or insecurity?  In this series Margaret will help unpack how the neurophysiology of trauma can leave us trapped in the emotions from traumatic experiences regardless of how great our faith is.  Come to a deeper understanding of what happens in the person during traumatic experiences and deepen in your sense of God’s love.  Grow in compassion for yourself and others.

Due to a very specific biological reaction during trauma, even decades later we can default to a mode of fear leading to cortisol (a stress hormone) and shutting off oxytocin (a feel-good hormone associated with love, trust, and friendship) when we encounter reminders of those traumatic experiences.  Knowing the body responds in this way can help us to cling to the truth and not give into a skewed perspective that is fear-based.

The evil one wants to divide you off within yourself, disconnect you off from others, and even give you a sense of separation from God by spiritual identity theft!  He wants you to think that your symptoms of feeling fearful and rejected are really who you are.  The truth is they aren’t who you are.  They are only how you are doing in a moment.  Understanding where those feelings come from can help unmask the lies we can take on and operate out of and even more it can help us stay grounded in the truth of our identity as God’s beloved children!

My first book, More Than Words:  The Freedom to Thrive After Trauma, is available on Amazon.com and will provide you with more information about how traumatic experiences can impact us even decades later.

The post Introduction to Trauma Series: Avoiding Spiritual Identity Theft appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

Conclusion to the book Fearless. Establishing a foundation of peace and fulfillment in life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, is a matter of delving more deeply into the reality of God’s connection to us. Fully receiving and being transformed by the indwelling presence of the Blessed Trinity is an ongoing process. Faith in God’s love for us becomes more surely our source of confidence and self-worth, hope in him becomes our foundation of joy no matter what may come our way, and his love is our unfathomable fulfillment “packed together, shaken down, and overflowing” (Luke 6:38) that overflows into the lives of others. The more we grow in wholeness, the more we pursue holiness unencumbered. As we grow in holiness, our personal integration and interpersonal relationships become more peaceful. It all starts with receiving from the Lord, as he has first loved us (1 John 4:10). However, recall that our relationship to ourselves is our mode, the lens that influences our ability to perceive him clearly.

Seeking health in our physical, emotional, and spiritual lives is interwoven, since those aspects of our person are interwoven. This quest is a beautiful collaboration with God’s perfect plan and redeeming grace as we endeavor, in as much as is our part, to prepare a greater dwelling place for him in our hearts. As our capacity for him increases, his presence progressively fills and permeates us, setting into motion a metamorphosis that transforms all we do. This is what will heal each wounded heart, convert each wayward desire, and unite families, peoples, and nations as the bride of Christ.

A practical tip in times of difficult communication, whether with ourselves or with others can be remembered by the acronym V.E.S.T, as in inV.E.S.T in relationships.  V stands for validate the emotions.  This does not require us to agree with the emotions, but to acknowledge them.  E stands for express compassion, thereby from our heart meeting the other.  S.T. stands for speak the truth.  If there is something we really believe ought to be illuminated in the situation, we can do so after first validating and expressing compassion.  Of course, we can’t control how another will respond, but any truth we illuminate at that point will be more palatable by whomever we are addressing.  This simple formula can lay a foundation for peaceful relating.

In times of stress or turmoil, first consider if the most fundamental difficulty is a break down in connection to God, self, or others, and then consider if it is a struggle with boundaries, knowing we are valued, being known, or chosen.  This can help us all drill down to the crux of the problem and be instruments of His light and love.

May the Lord give you peace.

Margaret

The post Conclusion to the book Fearless appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

Since reciprocity between people in the areas of connection (boundaries, valued, known and openness) is essential for healthy and holy relationships, it stands to reason a lack of give and take in these areas leads to unhealthy and even abusive relationships. For example, in any type of abuse, there are boundary violations of a physical, emotional, and/or spiritual nature. In pornography, for example, there is no reciprocity; instead God’s boundaries for another are exploited, while their value is reduced to use, and their personhood is disregarded. Also, the one viewing pornography violates their own dignity and God’s protective limits for themselves.

There are a wide variety of ways we can attempt to satisfy our desire for connection with God, ourselves, and others in life-giving and life-affirming ways. Food, shopping, drugs, alcohol, sex, excessive work, are just some examples. For a brief moment they may distract from our hunger for authentic connection, but in the long run they fail to satisfy and their fruits are internal and external discord rather than peace and love. I attended a talk a number of years ago by Vincent Felitti, M.D., about the effects of adverse childhood experiences. In discussing the attempt to drown out the residual internal pain from early traumas with substances he said, “You can never get enough of what almost works.” The same is true of attempts to use a substitute for the innate need to connect. We would never be able to get enough of what might almost work. We would end up chasing faulty remedies and create cycles of frustration and internal and/or relational conflict.

Often, there is much talk about chastity among teens in religious circles. While this is an important value, it’s also important to teach young people how to connect in a healthy way. Sexually immoral behavior is, oftentimes, a desire to connect acted out in uneducated, immature, or wounded ways. Given that we are made for connection, we need to learn, practice and teach healthy connection so relationships are truly fulfilling, leading to the wholeness and holiness the Lord wants for us all.

The more we grow in healthy connection, the more we are set free from bondage and decay, and grow in the freedom God intends for us as his children. We can begin to recognize the factors of connection in peace and their absence in conflict and so learn to calibrate our internal meter during times of struggle. It is difficult, if not impossible, to think of a human suffering that can’t be traced back to a breakdown in connection. Once we identify the relationship where the gap is, we are well on our way to knowing how to direct our efforts towards peace.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

The post Pseudo Connection appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

As surely as we have the indwelling presence of the Holy Trinity through baptism, we are meant to be occasions of grace for each other. Since it is our call to be incarnations of God, his hands and feet in the world at this time, even our simple interactions can minister his love, mercy, and healing. Yet, life can be complex and, of course, we all come with different temperaments, personalities, histories, and preferences. There are a great many moving parts that make up who we are.

Because of this, two or more people gathering often present challenges. But notice that, in the scripture above, they have drawn together in Jesus’ name, to enter into his presence. Considering what characterizes how the Lord relates to us, we know he engages with us through seeing and hearing us as uniquely good and that he cherishes us and respects the free will he’s given us. In short, he longs and seeks to relate to us with the deepest connection. Actually, we are made not just for communion, but for union with him. We gather in his name when we imitate his example. When we hit speed bumps and rough patches in relating, it is helpful to go back to these basics. In openly seeking to see and hear each other as uniquely good and cherished, we are able to not just go through tough times, but to grow through them as individuals and in communion with each other.

Years ago I taught these connection principles to a 16-year-old boy and his mother. They’re so simple, he was quickly able to grasp them. We used them each week to gain insight into his relational struggles with his parents and peers. After only a couple of weeks, he could explain how he was using these concepts to assess interactions in his relationships, and when something felt off he was able to get right back on course. He and his mother began to work together to calmly examine difficulties they were experiencing and peacefully arrive at understandings. Their relationship began to flourish. Beginning with a mutual understanding that they were both seeking connection made a world of difference. Suddenly, defenses were dropped, and they were able to examine circumstances together. They had attitudes of collaboration because they understood they had a common goal, common needs, and rules of engagement.

May the Lord give you peace.

Margaret

The post Navigating Relational Struggles appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

The fool takes no delight in understanding,

but rather in displaying what he thinks.

 – Proverbs 18:2

First, let’s sum up what we’ve learned about connection so far. We all need an authentic sense of safety, respect, and being known as good in order to facilitate openness. Putting this information to use, we have a solid foundation for communication. Regardless of the subject matter for verbal dialogue, these are ever present needs in people. Because they are invisible and because we have the same needs, we tend to ignore them and press ahead into talking, all the while neglecting the conversation running in the background.

Am I safe? Am I accepted as I am? Am I seen and heard as an individual who is good? These questions are the litmus test we generally use to assess how safe it is for us to open up, become vulnerable, and share our inmost selves. We need to start by plugging into God for the affirmation of who we are in him and strive to accept this truth more deeply. This is our mode from which we will receive what others present to us. When we begin a conversation with another after having first adjusted our vision of the Lord and ourselves in him, we are better able to approach the other calmly and with compassion.

Of course, we cannot control if others are doing the same, but we can do our part to ease the communication process by keeping in mind that others have the same needs for safety, respect and acceptance. So, it is important to communicate these and to be present to truly see and hear them, not just their words. Here are the things we can do:

Remember to practice these activities and thoughts in your own life and begin to see how your relationships flourish because of them. Furthermore, healthy communication is greatly facilitated when we have a common language and framework from which to approach it. Consider sharing this book with your family, friends, groups, teams, or community so that you can begin to bring some equilibrium and common understanding to the way in which the relationships in your life develop and grow.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

The post Healthy Communication appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

In choosing how we relate to others, we start at the heart, that is, we start with believing the other to be very good and made in God’s image and likeness. This is a central tenet of our faith as Catholics and is the heart of our respect for human life. As human beings, we are all works in progress. Since this is the truth of the Lord’s relationship to us, why would it be any less true for someone else? If we stop at the fact that he sees us this way and don’t extend the same to others, we risk being egocentric and arrogant. We also call into question how much we believe in God’s unchanging love for us. Very quickly, we can become either an idol or insecure in the Lord’s love. Looking at others with God’s view creates in us a capacity for empathy, reverence, and respect of the other that we cannot attain any other way. This is a part of taking on God’s mind for creation.

The quote from Scottish author and theologian Ian Maclaren, “Be pitiful, for every man is fighting a hard battle,”1 encourages us to imitate how the Lord relates to each of us. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to assume we know what is going on with a person based on what we perceive on the outside. If we are going to look for a fundamental truth to guide our interactions with others, this is the safest one; we cannot possibly know what is going on inside a person based on their exterior. Many times we are not even fully aware of what is operating within us on the deepest level.

We relate to the people in our lives with differing degrees of intimacy and yet we can communicate the concept of knowing others as very good in simple yet powerful ways. If you don’t already do this, the next time you go to a store or a restaurant, look the person who is assisting you in the eye with the mindset that they are a person performing a service, not the service itself. They are not a means to an end. Smile. Ask them how they’re doing and truly listen to their response. It’s amazing how much a person is touched by being seen and heard as an individual.

We all need to be known and as we’ve discussed, healthy boundaries help us to safely navigate this. Remember our focus should be on being rather than doing. The same way the Lord called the apostles to be fishers of men, rather than to do the catching, it is our responsibility to see and hear others. We can’t necessarily make someone feel seen and heard or known to be very good. How another will respond to us is a matter of their view of themselves. What we can do is that which God has called us to, to reverence them and see them for the valued creation they are. This fosters connection, but we can only do our part.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

The post Knowing & Being Known appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

To value another the way God values them means seeing them as they truly are, a treasure of immeasurable worth. People are not a means to an end. In other words, whether we agree or disagree with someone has nothing to do with their inherent value. I could disagree with someone’s opinions, beliefs, or actions, but it shouldn’t change the acceptance I have for them as a human being and the dignity with which I regard them. Remember, our dignity comes from the fact that God is who he is and that he showed his value for us when he purchased us with the price of his own Son.

It’s amazing what happens when we begin to see others in this light. It actually begins to change how we view ourselves. Suddenly, we’re more capable of realizing our own worth is unwavering. It doesn’t matter if we are right or wrong, perfect or imperfect. Reminding ourselves that our neighbor’s value doesn’t change helps us recognize the same is true of us. We begin to accept that truth at a deeper level. Recognizing this about others affords us greater objectivity and, in the long run, the lesson blesses our view of ourselves, as well. In a very real way, we begin to see the circumstances of the day as scenery on the journey to an ever-deepening reception of God’s gift of himself. Less and less is offensive.  Less and less disturbs our peace. More and more is recognized as gift until all is seen as a personal, intimate self-gift of God.

There’s an ironic consequence of treating people with value regardless of if they agree or cooperate with us. It’s that they begin to agree and cooperate a lot more. When we are treated like our value is contingent on someone’s approval of us, it can cause us to shut down because that estimation is fundamentally not true and we know it intuitively, even if we don’t know it consciously. Remember, openness is a byproduct of having our boundaries respected, being valued, and being seen as good. We cannot make cooperation the goal. To do so sabotages the very point; we all have the same value no matter what.

Regardless of our best efforts, we can’t make each other feel valued and accepted. Once I worked with a client who was completely convinced I was judging and rejecting her. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. I had actually struggled with some things in very much the same way she did and felt great compassion for her. It pained me not to be able to alleviate her pain caused by her belief that I saw her with condemnation, but it was not within my ability to do so. The issue was the lenses through which she viewed herself. I had to stay in the place of being accepting and fight the temptation to try to control her. To force my acceptance on her would have violated her boundaries and would have been fighting a losing battle. It was helpful to remind myself that she could only connect with me to the extent she was connected to herself. In situations like that, we can trust that the Lord loves the other person way more than we possibly could and his ability to heal is infinitely greater.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

The post Valuing and Being Valued appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

A number of years ago, I was supervising a team of therapists, and at the end of the workday, I received a call from one of them wanting to consult about a teenager she was treating in a weeklong intensive program. The therapist said she didn’t think the child was appropriate for the week of treatment and thought she would need more time to build rapport. She told me for their three-hour session that day the girl had insisted she didn’t believe in emotions. She said that she thought they were an artificial idea human beings had invented. The teen very much needed intensive trauma work. Sadly, she had been in counseling for over a decade at that point, all with little benefit.

I asked the therapist if she would mind if I attended their session the next day. She readily agreed. When the client came into the room and saw me with her therapist her eyes widened. She thought she was in trouble. I simply said I was her therapist’s supervisor, and I had heard they had a difficult session the day before and wanted to see if I could help. I told her I had gone through the same treatment years prior, expecting no relief, and instead was greatly helped. I went on to add that I had looked at her chart and knew she’d been in therapy since she was a toddler, which meant we, as mental health professionals, had failed her or she wouldn’t still be struggling so. I added that I couldn’t imagine she would want to tell her story to one more person. She sat still and silent. Finally, she asked, “Are you a unicorn?” I had no idea what she meant. She said, “You came skipping in here throwing trauma sprinkles and rainbows and suddenly I want to do this.” I realized she was connecting to me and so I knew I needed to spend a few more minutes casually chatting with her and her therapist to get them comfortable with each other before I left the room so they could get to work.

What I learned from that experience is that openness is a byproduct. It can’t be a goal. The young therapist was so interested in the client cooperating with treatment that she was, metaphorically, attempting to bash the young lady’s door down, forcing her to accept it. She was asking her to be open, but all the while, she was sending the message that she would have value if only she would participate in the therapy. On the other hand, I hadn’t used a technique of some sort on her. I was simply relating to her the way I would have wanted to be treated. If I wanted her to be honest, it only made sense that I be honest, too. In expressing to her that I understood her, acknowledged her value regardless of if she chose to participate in the program, and respected her boundaries, she readily opened her heart and ended up doing fantastic work through the rest of the week.

It would be a drastically different story if I had gone into the treatment room and said the same things but with the goal of getting her to cooperate, as opposed to the goal of connecting. She, most likely, would have been able to sense a lack of consistency or sincerity and would have walled off her heart, and all for good reason. I wouldn’t have been trustworthy if I had made treatment a goal. She had to be the goal. I had to surrender potential failure in front of one of my team, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t matter at that point – not to her.  I had to know I mattered to the Lord and to myself. It was my job to communicate that she mattered. I didn’t really fully understand how important what I was doing was and didn’t know why she so quickly decided to engage in treatment until I prayed about it after the session. Through that meeting, the Lord taught me openness is a byproduct rather than an end in and of itself. That lesson changed how I aspire to relate.

Whether or not others choose to open at a given time or in a particular circumstance, reverencing them is an honor because it is an opportunity to imitate how the Lord relates to us. When others do open up to us, it is profound and humbling and deserves to be met with reverence and respect.

Action Step

Take advantage of time in a store, restaurant, or gathering and note what fosters openness among people and what tends to shut people down. See if you notice how boundaries, acceptance (value) and being known come into play.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

The post Openness from Others appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.

Being open with others is something that requires great courage. Hopefully, by this point, we can begin to put the pieces of connection together and see how they interplay. We have looked at how having a foundation of being known deeply and treasured dearly by God gives us the highest authority upon which to base our identity. Also, we have discussed viewing other people as precious to the Lord and not basing our contentment on their thoughts or actions. It is from this vantage point we can engage with others, knowing their response to us does not make or break us, no matter how truly painful it might be. Another’s actions toward us do not affect our value in any way, because we have inherent worth as children of God.

Being able to be vulnerable with another is far easier when we have grown, and continue to grow, in connection to God and ourselves. It’s also important to remember that trust is a process. The same way we grow in trust with the Lord and with ourselves, we also grow in our ability to navigate a relationship with another person. This is not accomplished at one time, but is a process that takes time. As discussed, we will generally begin a relationship by sharing something good about ourselves. If we are compassionately received, we may venture into sharing one of our less glorious moments. Perhaps we even come to share an area of hurt, struggle, or shame. This is the process of growing in relationship. Interestingly, scripture actually tells us not to trust others (Micah 7:5-6). If we are looking for another person not to fail us, we will be disappointed, because every person is as human as we are. Only God will not break our trust. Instead, we should look for noble intentions and efforts at consistent good will from other people, and understand that there may be times when they fail us out of their own human frailty.

What are the signs that another person wills us good? Does the other person truly know us, or make efforts to do so? Do they treat us in a way that shows us they value us for who we are or do we feel used as a means for them to get their desired goal? Do they respect our physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries or do they send the message we are not allowed to have limits? If we see red flags in any of these outer layers of connection, we may want to tread the waters of vulnerability very carefully and not have high expectations for healthy connection with them at this time. It may be risky to share sensitive information with them in hopes of being known. Remember when others aren’t able to be present to truly hear and see us, recognize our value as children of God, or respect the boundaries we have put in place, often it is not personal. Rather, it is a reflection of what they’re capable of at the time.

Finally, in all peer relationships, there ought to be reciprocity – give and take. It doesn’t mean we keep score, and certainly some days are better than others. Patience and understanding with others is essential. We don’t want to engage with others with a constant scrutiny of every interaction, the same way we would fail if we were judged so harshly. Given the ebb and flow of life and circumstances, these factors of connection can be guidelines to help us avoid drama and hurt in relationships. With practice we will grow in greater peace and fulfillment from the Lord’s indwelling presence, and that which we receive will flow from us out to others.

May the Lord give you peace!

Margaret

The post Openness With Others appeared first on Ultimate Christian Podcast Radio Network.