In this solo episode of the Able to Care Podcast, host Andy Baker takes on one of the most common — and most counterproductive — phrases in behaviour support: Calm down. Drawing from neuroscience, trauma theory, and decades of behaviour management experience, Andy explains why these two words can actually escalate situations rather than resolve them. You’ll learn why regulation always beats control, how your body language can make or break de-escalation, and exactly what to say (and do) instead when emotions run high — whether you’re a parent, teacher, carer, or professional working with vulnerable people.

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Dr Bruce Perry — Neuroscience of Trauma

Stephen Porges — Polyvagal Theory

Regulation before instruction — A dysregulated brain can’t process logic, consequences, or even well-meant advice.

Your calm is contagious — Non-verbal cues like tone and posture often speak louder than words in de-escalation.

Replace “Calm down” with collaboration — Phrases like “Let’s sit down and talk” or “Walk me through what’s happening” lower emotional intensity while preserving trust.

00:00 — Why “Calm down” fails and what’s happening in the brain

If you’ve ever tried to defuse a heated moment with “Calm down” and watched it backfire, this episode is for you. Whether you work in education, care, health, or simply want better conflict resolution skills at home, Andy gives you practical, research-driven strategies to help others regulate — without damaging relationships. It’s an essential listen for anyone who wants to turn tense situations into moments of connection and trust.