In this episode of The Partnership Podcast, Lauren and Trey dive deep into a topic that often gets "cleaned up" or ignored in long-term relationships: the difference between standard intercourse and the raw, self-focused act of f*cking. Inspired by David Schnarch’s book, Intimacy and Desire, they explore why the hardest person to "f*ck" is often the person you love the most and why reclaiming that "take" energy is vital for a thriving relationship.

Lauren and Trey break down the mechanics of pleasure through the lens of the "Take" quadrant:

Defining the "Take": Taking is the healthy pursuit of your own pleasure within the boundaries and consent of the giver.

The Celebration of Desire: Instead of getting what you want in roundabout ways, taking is about explicitly asking for your desires and having them celebrated by your partner.

Penetrative Intercourse as a Tool: They discuss how thrusting can be a beautiful example of taking, where one partner does the action for their pleasure while the other is in "allowing".

A common question in Lauren’s work is why casual sex often feels more titillating than sex with a spouse. In long-term partnerships, we become highly invested in the other’s wellbeing. When you are worried about your partner's sleep, health, or ego, it becomes difficult to be "self-focused" or "devouring".

Schnarch argues that in casual sex, we are more self-defined because the other person’s life is not our domain. Lauren explains the biological "yuck" that occurs when one partner falls into a caretaking or mothering role, which naturally kills sexual attraction.

Reclaiming fire in a seven-year (or seventy-year) marriage requires differentiation and individuation. To want someone, you have to see them as separate from you. Moving out of "smushy symbiosis" allows you to re-meet and re-discover each other.

If you’ve lost the "f*cking" in your partnership and find yourselves stuck in caretaking or boredom, it’s not too late to re-up the attraction.

Ready to uproot the old scripts and reclaim your desire?Request your free 15-minute consult at sexedforyou.com/freeconsult.

About Them

Lauren and Trey are partners living in Central Virginia, where Lauren owns and operates Sex Ed for You. She provides comprehensive sexuality education and embodied coaching to individuals, partners, and parents.

Through a biopsychosocial approach, Sex Ed for You works to restore positive and respectful approaches to sexuality and sexual relationships, while increasing the possibility of pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence (World Health Organization).

Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples, and families, as well as to the social and economic development of communities and countries (World Health Organization). When individuals are blocked from sexual health, they are often stunted in their ability to develop sensual play, embodied connection, and enjoyment.

Learn More & Connect

Learn more about Sex Ed for You: ⁠https://www.sexedforyou.com⁠

Schedule a FREE CONSULT with Lauren: ⁠https://www.sexedforyou.com/freeconsult⁠

Learn more about partnered communication and relational education on Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/sex_ed_for_you/⁠

Subscribe to the YouTube channel for conversations about sex, partnership, communication, and love: ⁠https://youtube.com/@thepartnershippodcast⁠

Important Reminders

This is not a “how to” podcast, but rather a “how they” podcast. Lauren and Trey share personal experiences, perspectives, and reflections, inviting listeners to learn from what resonates, question what doesn’t, and decide what feels aligned for their own lives.

Lauren is not a therapist. She is a Certified Holistic Sexuality Educator and Embodied Intimacy and Relationship Coach.