The Problem With Assuming Your Version of Care Fits Everyone

Care that starts with projection will miss the person in front of you.

I once made tea for a friend the way I like it, strong and sweet. She took one sip and set it down. She can’t have sugar. I thought I was being kind. I offered a version of myself.

Care that starts with projection lands as pressure. Neurodivergent and cross-cultural friendships feel this most. Volume, eye contact, touch, timelines, even jokes carry different meanings. Loving someone means learning those meanings.

I have watched people tell a sick Black woman to rest, hydrate, breathe. They meant well. They did not ask what rent looks like when racism and disability shape the month. They did not ask what care means when the body is failing and the inbox is still full because the work keeps everyone else afloat. Platitudes are cheap. Questions cost more. Payment costs more than that.

I think of my friend Tinu, how people performed grief while benefiting from her disability justice work. She died while asking for help. The same people who praised her advocacy consumed the labor and ignored the ask. That pattern is taught. It trains people to engage Black women as resource without reciprocity.

Treating others how you want to be treated erases who is in front of you. I am a Black woman. I am also disabled, queer, Muslim, and neurodivergent, often hypervisible. If you treat only the parts you can relate to, you will always feel seen by me and I will remain unseen by you.

Why “Treat People How You Want to Be Treated” Doesn’t Work for Everyone

The Golden Rule centers your template. Care lands when you ask how they want to be treated.

You can’t treat everyone the way you want to be treated.

Your taste, pacing, and signals of care do not automatically translate in another person’s body. That collapse erases disability, culture, class, risk, and power.

When you do not know, pause and engage your prefrontal cortex. Ask, observe, investigate. Especially when Black women whose work you consume say they are ill or disabled and you benefit from their advocacy, research, and labor. “Chin up” and “just rest” mean little in a world structured by capitalism and racism. Ask what helps. Ask what harms. Then act.

Care that begins with guessing lands as pressure. It slides into surveillance. It crosses boundaries and calls itself love. Consent is the check. Capacity is the limit. Clarity is the bridge. I am writing this in bed because I am tired of being told to rest when rest is not resistance. Community and support is.

People’s projections sound like:

* “I’d want someone to push me, so I’m pushing you.”

* “I like quick replies, so I’m calling three times.”

* “Hugs comfort me, so I’m hugging you.”

Impact looks like:

* Flooding an autistic friend who needs slow pacing.

* Turning support into surveillance.

* Crossing boundaries and calling it love.

Care is relational data, not a guess. Guessing creates harm you later rename miscommunication, or you claim intent outweighs impact. It does not.

Think back to childhood, when adults guessed your needs. You refused foods or clothing, covered your ears in loud rooms, and were still forced to comply because they believed their version of encouragement was care.

Many repeat this with good intentions. We do not need paternalism. Collect the data. Love people their way.

Let’s take it a step further.

Why Some Crises Get More Empathy and Support Than Others

Empathy that only follows likeness is not care, it is your own comfort that is virtue signalling. Because your version of care is not a universal language.

People are taught whose pain counts. Families, schools, media, and the language we use train attention toward certain faces and away from others. Under white supremacist structures, empathy concentrates where likeness is highest and risk is lowest. What looks like compassion often follows a script.

This plays out daily, including here on Substack. Some lives get instant amplification. Others get silence. Humanitarian responses are not neutral. Media coverage, funding pipelines, and policy choices sort grief into tiers, deciding whose pain is urgent and whose pain is explained away as context.

Free Congo.

Free Sudan.

Free Darfur.

Frontline workers and those who have carried bodies and budgets already know this pattern. Empathy often travels along likeness. People donate to people who look like them, even when those individuals have serious moral failings. The conditioning runs deep. If you are part of the global majority, ask why a familiar face pulled your wallet faster than the Black women whose work teaches your language and politics. Responsibility is layered. Power shifts by context. None of us are exempt.

Some of the same activists people tag today to amplify resource needs had to be asked, over and over, to name Black issues in Sweden, Lebanon, and Libya years ago. When the world turned its eyes to Black struggle, many found their voices. Visibility should not be the price of care.

Why I Don’t Want Care Based on How You Treat Yourself

Don’t treat me like you. Treat me like I am whole and already self-validating.

Some people lack grace for themselves, so they overgive or undergive. Some perform affective empathy, they feel intensely, yet never do the cognitive work to understand context, history, or power.

They do not know how I self-validate. They fragment me into the parts they recognize, even when we share identities.

This is how it manifests:

* Using their own self-talk as a template, harsh or avoidant and projecting it onto me as care.

* Affective empathy without cognition floods or fixes when regulation is needed.

* Identity overlap creates false familiarity, then erases disability, faith, class, or risk.

I will be honest I do not want to be treated like you. I do not want care that copies your inner dialogue. Most people wont tell you that your bersion of vare is actually violent and uncaring so I will say it gently but loudly in a way you understand and give you actionable ways to do better.

Treat me as whole, already coherent, already self-validating. Care lands when it is calibrated, person plus context plus history plus capacity, not a mirror of your habits.

So let’s talk about what that looks like and also apply it to the people around you if you want community and care everyone is so desperately seeking.

How To Treat People The Way They Want To Be Treated

Close the gap between intent and impact with consent, capacity, and clarity.

Leave projection behind. Practice care that’s rooted in evidence and community — the kind I’ve been learning and refining for almost two decades. Here are five moves I can offer before I genuinely need to rest. You can start them today.

1. Ask, then act. Care lands when you ask first. “What helps when you’re overwhelmed?” “What should I avoid?” “Do you want solutions, a witness, or space?” Write the answers down. Update them as life changes.

2. Check consent and timing. “Is now a good time?” “Can I touch you?” “Do you want advice or presence?” If the answer is no, pause. Reschedule. It’s care to wait.

3. Do capacity math. Ask for an energy number from 0 to 10. Match the ask to the lower number in the room. If your autistic or ADHD friend needs time to regulate, slow down. Fast care that floods isn’t care.

4. Match the format. Offer care in the form they receive best: text, voice note, short call, written plan, silent company. Align it with their nervous system, culture, and current risks.

5. Resource the need. Pay and platform the work that feeds you. Replace platitudes with labor: childcare, transport, food, cash, the late shift done well. Build repair before conflict, agree on response windows, a phrase for “I’m flooded, I’ll return at [ set time],” and a list of off-limits tactics you both see and honour.

Now I want you to keep these lines close to your mind whenever you think of applying the golden rule:

* Ask first. Offer second.

* Capacity is a boundary.

* Care that starts with me will miss you.

* Pay for the work that trains your voice.

Close that gap between intent and impact with consent, capacity, and clarity. Let your care travel farther than likeness.

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Explore More from The Lovette Jallow Perspective

You can find more of my essays exploring:

* Neurodivergence, autism, and navigating public life as a Black woman

* Building true inclusion beyond checkbox diversity

* Reclaiming voice and agency across personal, political, and historical landscapes

* Racism in Sweden and systemic injustice

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Who is Lovette Jallow?

Lovette Jallow is one of Scandinavia’s most influential voices on systemic racism, intersectional justice, and human rights. She is a nine-time award-winning author, keynote speaker, lecturer, and humanitarian specializing in:

* Neurodiversity and workplace inclusion

* Structural policy reform

* Anti-racism education and systemic change

As one of the few Black, queer, autistic, ADHD, and Muslim women working at the intersection of human rights, structural accountability, and corporate transformation, Lovette offers a uniquely authoritative perspective rooted in lived experience and professional expertise.

Her work bridges theory, research, and action—guiding institutions to move beyond performative diversity efforts and toward sustainable structural change.

Lovette has worked across Sweden, The Gambia, Libya, and Lebanon—tackling institutional racism, legal discrimination, and refugee protection. Her expertise has been sought by outlets like The New York Times and by leading humanitarian organizations addressing racial justice, policy reform, and intersectional equity.

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