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Why You Always Fall for the Wrong Person (Psychology Explained) Ep. 10
Why You Always Fall for the Wrong Person (Psychology Explained)
In this episode of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie dive deep into the psychology behind our relationship choices. Following up on a conversation with Bishop Dr. Larry G. Mack, they answer viewer questions about Attachment Theory, trauma, and breaking unhealthy patterns.
Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/nGytnOfEJrI?si=su2BK_soonyXAB28
The "Why" Behind Your Choices
A viewer named Jerry asked a profound question: "I grew up without a mother... am I looking for a mother figure?" Clyde confirms that we often seek out what we missed in childhood. He references Harry Harlow’s monkey experiments, which proved that the need for emotional comfort (love) is just as vital as nutrition [03:53].
- Familiarity vs. Chemistry: Clyde warns that we often mistake "familiarity" for "chemistry." If you grew up in a chaotic home (e.g., with an alcoholic parent), you might subconsciously choose a chaotic partner because it feels "normal" to your nervous system [06:49].
Rewiring Your Brain (Neuroplasticity)
Can we change who we are attracted to? Yes.
- Trauma Pathways: Every trauma creates a neural pathway that tells your brain what to fear. However, through Neuroplasticity, you can rewire your brain by experiencing safety in new relationships. Healing happens when you choose a partner who is consistent and safe, slowly teaching your brain that you don't need to be in survival mode [16:34].
Practical Tools for Conflict
The Fraleys offer concrete advice for handling arguments without destroying the relationship:
- The Safe Word Rule: Use a safe word (like "Avocado") before you "flip your lid." It takes 20 minutes for cortisol and adrenaline to leave your system, so you must take a break to regain your logic [24:05].
- Know Your Partner: If your partner has an Anxious Attachment style, do not leave the house during a timeout. Stay in the other room or the backyard. Leaving can trigger abandonment wounds and make the fight worse [24:56].
Hacking Your Happiness
Clyde shares how to naturally boost your mood using "Happy Chemicals" [28:48]:
- Dopamine: Achieve small goals or create art.
- Oxytocin: Cuddle your partner or pet a dog.
- Serotonin: Get some sunlight or take a shower.
- Endorphins: Eat chocolate or spicy food!
Resource: To dig deeper, check out Clyde’s Romance and Attachment Theory Workbook, available now. at www.relationstitch.com
Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D
For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com
View all episodes
By Clyde Fraley, M.A., LMFT, NCCWhy You Always Fall for the Wrong Person (Psychology Explained)
In this episode of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie dive deep into the psychology behind our relationship choices. Following up on a conversation with Bishop Dr. Larry G. Mack, they answer viewer questions about Attachment Theory, trauma, and breaking unhealthy patterns.
Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/nGytnOfEJrI?si=su2BK_soonyXAB28
The "Why" Behind Your Choices
A viewer named Jerry asked a profound question: "I grew up without a mother... am I looking for a mother figure?" Clyde confirms that we often seek out what we missed in childhood. He references Harry Harlow’s monkey experiments, which proved that the need for emotional comfort (love) is just as vital as nutrition [03:53].
- Familiarity vs. Chemistry: Clyde warns that we often mistake "familiarity" for "chemistry." If you grew up in a chaotic home (e.g., with an alcoholic parent), you might subconsciously choose a chaotic partner because it feels "normal" to your nervous system [06:49].
Rewiring Your Brain (Neuroplasticity)
Can we change who we are attracted to? Yes.
- Trauma Pathways: Every trauma creates a neural pathway that tells your brain what to fear. However, through Neuroplasticity, you can rewire your brain by experiencing safety in new relationships. Healing happens when you choose a partner who is consistent and safe, slowly teaching your brain that you don't need to be in survival mode [16:34].
Practical Tools for Conflict
The Fraleys offer concrete advice for handling arguments without destroying the relationship:
- The Safe Word Rule: Use a safe word (like "Avocado") before you "flip your lid." It takes 20 minutes for cortisol and adrenaline to leave your system, so you must take a break to regain your logic [24:05].
- Know Your Partner: If your partner has an Anxious Attachment style, do not leave the house during a timeout. Stay in the other room or the backyard. Leaving can trigger abandonment wounds and make the fight worse [24:56].
Hacking Your Happiness
Clyde shares how to naturally boost your mood using "Happy Chemicals" [28:48]:
- Dopamine: Achieve small goals or create art.
- Oxytocin: Cuddle your partner or pet a dog.
- Serotonin: Get some sunlight or take a shower.
- Endorphins: Eat chocolate or spicy food!
Resource: To dig deeper, check out Clyde’s Romance and Attachment Theory Workbook, available now. at www.relationstitch.com
Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D
For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com