Why You Always Fall for the Wrong Person (Psychology Explained)

In this episode of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie dive deep into the psychology behind our relationship choices. Following up on a conversation with Bishop Dr. Larry G. Mack, they answer viewer questions about Attachment Theory, trauma, and breaking unhealthy patterns.

Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/nGytnOfEJrI?si=su2BK_soonyXAB28

The "Why" Behind Your Choices

A viewer named Jerry asked a profound question: "I grew up without a mother... am I looking for a mother figure?" Clyde confirms that we often seek out what we missed in childhood. He references Harry Harlow’s monkey experiments, which proved that the need for emotional comfort (love) is just as vital as nutrition [03:53].

• Familiarity vs. Chemistry: Clyde warns that we often mistake "familiarity" for "chemistry." If you grew up in a chaotic home (e.g., with an alcoholic parent), you might subconsciously choose a chaotic partner because it feels "normal" to your nervous system [06:49].

Rewiring Your Brain (Neuroplasticity)

Can we change who we are attracted to? Yes.

• Trauma Pathways: Every trauma creates a neural pathway that tells your brain what to fear. However, through Neuroplasticity, you can rewire your brain by experiencing safety in new relationships. Healing happens when you choose a partner who is consistent and safe, slowly teaching your brain that you don't need to be in survival mode [16:34].

Practical Tools for Conflict

The Fraleys offer concrete advice for handling arguments without destroying the relationship:

• The Safe Word Rule: Use a safe word (like "Avocado") before you "flip your lid." It takes 20 minutes for cortisol and adrenaline to leave your system, so you must take a break to regain your logic [24:05].
• Know Your Partner: If your partner has an Anxious Attachment style, do not leave the house during a timeout. Stay in the other room or the backyard. Leaving can trigger abandonment wounds and make the fight worse [24:56].

Hacking Your Happiness

Clyde shares how to naturally boost your mood using "Happy Chemicals" [28:48]:

• Dopamine: Achieve small goals or create art.
• Oxytocin: Cuddle your partner or pet a dog.
• Serotonin: Get some sunlight or take a shower.
• Endorphins: Eat chocolate or spicy food!

Resource: To dig deeper, check out Clyde’s Romance and Attachment Theory Workbook, available now. at www.relationstitch.com

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

 Why Your Childhood is the Blueprint for Your Marriage

After an eight-month hiatus, Episode 8 of the RelationStitch podcast marks a powerful return. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie are back behind the microphones with a testimony of resilience.

Clyde shares his journey of recovering from a life-altering medullary stroke—a battle that required him to relearn how to walk and talk. But he didn't just recover; he wrote a book. This episode dives into the core of that new resource: Attachment Theory.

Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/OKEFjPXwT9w?si=XtXcki5pm7ymd3VN

Why "Attachment" Matters

Clyde explains that while there is no "silver bullet" for marriage, understanding Attachment Theory is the closest thing to a roadmap. It answers the question: Why does my spouse react that way?

• The Context of Trauma: We often judge our partners' behavior without understanding their history. Clyde notes that childhood trauma isn't just a memory; it is implicit memory stored in the body, driving reactions we often don't understand [14:52].
• The Four Styles: Clyde outlines the four main attachment styles—Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized. Knowing your partner’s style helps you stop taking their triggers personally.

Personal Confessions

In a moment of vulnerability, Clyde admits he leaned toward an Avoidant/Disorganized style early in their marriage. He recalls pulling away when Stephanie tried to kiss him—not because he didn't love her, but because intimacy felt unsafe due to his past. For Stephanie, viewing this through a Secure lens, it felt like rejection. Understanding his style changed everything [08:58].

The New Workbook

The episode introduces Clyde’s new book, the Romance and Attachment Theory Workbook. It’s designed not for clinicians, but for couples to:

1. Identify their style using a simple quiz.
2. Understand the "Adverse Childhood Experiences" (ACE) score and how it impacts adult health [11:28].
3. Navigate "Pairings": How does an Anxious person love an Avoidant person? The book offers specific roadmaps for these dynamics [20:31].

Moving Forward

Clyde emphasizes that your attachment style is a starting point, not a life sentence. With a trustworthy partner who can "hold the room" for your story, you can heal and move toward security together.

Get the resource: The workbook is available now at ClydeFraley.com or on Amazon.

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

Marriage & Ministry: When "Doing Good" Hurts Your Family

In this insightful episode of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley addresses a sensitive but critical topic: Church Burnout and Religious Trauma.

With recent headlines shaking the faith community, Clyde dives into a common struggle for many couples: the tension between serving the church and protecting the marriage.

Watch the full video here: https://youtu.be/fzUOR4QcegU?si=4qaIU42LS7Fwv8bo

The Trap of Over-Serving

Clyde responds to a viewer who feels that serving in church is actually driving their family apart. He identifies a dangerous cycle where "Kingdom work" is used to justify neglecting the home.

• The Priority Shift: Clyde is clear: God → Family → Church. If you are sacrificing your marriage or your children on the altar of ministry, the priorities are out of order [03:56].
• The 20/80 Rule: In many churches, 20% of the people do 100% of the work. This leads to burnout, where faithful volunteers are "taxed" until they resent the very place that should bring them peace [04:02].

Gifts vs. Fruit

A key distinction Clyde makes is between spiritual gifts (charisma, preaching, miracles) and spiritual fruit (love, patience, kindness).

• Warning Signs: A pastor or leader may have dynamic gifts but lack the fruit of the Spirit behind the scenes. If the leadership style is harsh, demanding, or manipulative (e.g., "If you leave, you lose your covering"), it may be time to reassess your involvement [08:00].
• Trading Fruit: Clyde warns churches against "trading fruit for fruit"—burning out current members to win new converts, resulting in a net zero for the Kingdom [06:51].

True Kingdom Work

The episode concludes with a powerful redefinition of what it means to serve God. It isn't just about how many hours you volunteer.

• Breaking Curses: Clyde argues that simply being a present, loving father and husband who breaks the generational cycle of divorce or dysfunction is, in itself, profound Kingdom work [21:02].
• Legacy: "If you do nothing else... but treat your family right... you're crushing it." Building a healthy legacy is the most enduring ministry of all.

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

A Mother’s Wisdom: Breaking Generational Curses & Healing the Past

In a very special Episode 7 of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley invites a guest with 79 years of life experience: his mother, Fran Motter.

Moving away from clinical theory, this episode focuses on the raw reality of lived experience. Clyde and Fran open up about their once-tumultuous relationship, the scars of the past, and the power of God to restore broken bonds.

Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/U3FiNZD1-Ao?si=6Rqshx4kP0Mffbea

The Power of "Who You Pick"

Fran begins by emphasizing a simple but critical lesson: Relationships dictate your future. She shares the story of "Mama Rita," a neighbor who loved them and impacted their spiritual walk. As Fran notes, "You can’t just hang around with whoever."

Breaking Generational Curses

Fran is vulnerable about her own upbringing in a dysfunctional, abusive home. She admits that she didn't always have the tools to parent perfectly because she had never seen a healthy family dynamic.

• The Turning Point: Fran recalls seeing her in-laws (Clyde’s grandparents) holding hands and sitting on laps—a display of affection she thought only existed in movies. This vision of love helped her break the cycle of abuse she grew up with [10:51].
• Legacy Over Perfection: Clyde highlights that God looks at the "generational fruit." While Fran’s parents struggled, she did better, and now Clyde builds on that foundation for his children. Healing is often a multi-generational project [07:44].

A Miracle of Reconciliation

The most powerful moment of the episode is the story of how Clyde and Fran healed their relationship. After years of conflict during Clyde’s teen years, Fran felt a divine prompt while watching TV to go into his room and make amends. In an instant, the "chasm" between them was bridged—a testament that it is never too late to repair a relationship with your child [16:00].

Parenting: Punishment vs. Consequence

They discuss the evolution of discipline. While Fran was raised with punitive measures, Clyde advocates for allowing "life to be the teacher" through natural consequences, preserving the parent-child connection so kids feel safe asking for help [22:36].

Fran’s Final Wisdom

After nearly eight decades of life, Fran’s advice is simple: "Without the Lord, we can do nothing." Parenting is too difficult to navigate alone; we need the security of a Heavenly Father to guide us.

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

The Green-Eyed Monster & The Ego: Overcoming Jealousy and Narcissism

In Episode 6 of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie continue their journey through 1 Corinthians 13, tackling three heavy-hitters that destroy connection: Envy, Boasting, and Pride.

Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/r8K6AFr9-7U?si=fzu4hsP05ope_bmm

Envy & The "Emotional Embezzlement" Trap

The Fraleys define envy not just as wanting what someone else has, but as a feeling of rejection when a partner succeeds. Clyde shares a personal story of feeling "left behind" early in their marriage when Stephanie’s career took off first [04:11].

• Emotional Embezzlement: If left unchecked, envy leads to what Clyde coins "emotional embezzlement." This happens when a partner withdraws emotional investment from the marriage—or sabotages their spouse—to bolster their own fragile ego [08:45].
• The Social Media Illusion: Envy often stems from comparing your reality to someone else’s highlight reel. As Clyde’s mentor Dr. Mary Nicker noted, "The grass may be greener on the other side, but you haven’t seen their water bill" [13:02].

Pride, Boasting, and the Narcissism Epidemic

Moving to "does not boast" and "is not proud," the discussion turns to the modern rise of Narcissism.

• The Danger of "Always" and "Never": A subtle sign of pride is the use of absolutes in arguments (e.g., "You never listen"). These exaggerations are often rooted in a refusal to see any perspective but your own [22:33].
• Parenting Pitfalls: Clyde warns that over-validating children and shielding them from failure can breed narcissistic entitlement. Allowing kids to experience healthy failure is crucial for developing resilience and empathy [28:31].

The Antidote: Humility & Modesty

The cure for these toxins? Contentment and Humility.

• Quiet Strength: Clyde uses the analogy of boxers at a press conference: the one boasting is often insecure, while the one who is calm and humble usually wins the fight. Humility is a calm emotional state [26:50].
• Modesty: is about "lowering the estimate of your own importance" to serve the relationship [27:51].

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

Love is Patient, Love is Kind... But How?

In Episode 5 of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie continue their deep dive into the true definition of love. Moving beyond cultural myths, they anchor their discussion in the timeless wisdom of 1 Corinthians 13:4, focusing specifically on the first two pillars: Patience and Kindness.

Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/QpQgCOVNEvs?si=8zIWEHT_ZWSKpVwn

Patience: The First Line of Defense

Clyde notes that patience is listed first for a reason—it supports every other virtue. He defines it not just as waiting, but as maintaining composure without complaint or loss of temper [04:02].

• The Stress of Waiting: Patience is fundamentally a "time piece." Whether waiting for a medical diagnosis (negative) or Christmas (positive), the act of waiting creates stress. Emotional regulation is key to navigating this stress without taking it out on your partner [07:34].
• Shift Your Focus: Stephanie suggests a powerful mindset shift: instead of looking for where your partner is failing, look for "glimmers of hope." Focusing on their progress naturally fosters more patience [09:27].

Kindness: Action Over Politeness

While "nice" is just a disposition, kindness is an action. It requires selflessness.

• The King and The Fool: Stephanie shares a brilliant metaphor: "Living inside your spouse is a fool and a king (or queen). Who you speak to is who will show up." Treating your partner with honor pulls the best out of them [15:49].
• Dispositional Needs: Kindness means understanding your partner's unique "dispositional needs" rooted in their childhood—like why one partner insists on American cheese while the other hates it. Understanding the context of their life breeds compassion [17:31].

Take the Audit

The Fraleys recommend a self-audit using synonyms and antonyms. Are you being composed and stable (Patience), or defiant and resistant? Are you tender and benign (Kindness), or cruel and thoughtless? [24:08].

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

What is Love, Really? Unpacking the Myths and Realities of Connection

In Episode 4 of the RelationStitch podcast, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie tackle one of the most loaded questions in human history: "What is love?"

While the question might summon lyrics from a 90s dance hit, the Fraleys dig much deeper, exploring why so many of us stay in toxic relationships under the guise of "loving" someone.

Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/mFxw91scQk0?si=w6pgiDVa_ikTJHnU

The "Love" Trap

Clyde opens the discussion with a common scenario from his therapy practice: clients who endure repeated infidelity or abuse because they claim, "I just love them." The hosts argue that this isn't love—it's often a result of conditioned responses from childhood [03:39]. If you grew up associating affection with neglect or chaos, you might mistake abuse for intimacy in adulthood.

Myths We Believe

The duo discusses how society distorts our view of relationships:

• The Disney Effect: Movies often sell a "Prince Charming" narrative that sets impossible standards, leading to disappointment when real life isn't a fairy tale [10:05].
• Social Media: We are bombarded with narcissistic portrayals of love that prioritize material things and selfish gain over sacrifice [11:02].
• Sex vs. Love: Culture tries to make sex synonymous with love, but they are distinct. In toxic dynamics, "makeup sex" can actually be part of a Trauma Bond—a cycle of abuse and "love bombing" that creates a powerful, addictive chemical attachment similar to gambling [12:31].

Finding the Healthy Middle

So, what does healthy love look like?

• The Continuum of Self: Clyde references Ross Rosenberg’s work, noting that healthy relationships exist in the balance between Codependency (losing yourself to please others) and Pathological Narcissism (making everything about you) [21:07].
• Love Languages: While useful, the hosts warn that Love Languages should be used to give selflessly, not weaponized as demands to get what you want [20:03].

The True Source

Ultimately, the Fraleys suggest that to find the purest definition of love, we must look beyond Hollywood and psychology to the Bible. They set the stage for their next episode, which will take a deep dive into 1 Corinthians 13 as the ultimate blueprint for healthy connection [24:37].

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

How to Fight Fair: Practical Tips for Resolving Relationship Conflict

In this episode of the Relationstitch podcast, licensed marriage and family therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie shift the focus from why couples fight to how they can resolve conflict effectively. They emphasize that healthy conflict resolution isn't about luck; it requires strategy, maturity, and a willingness to learn new skills.

They outline six key "Rules of Engagement" to help couples navigate disagreements without damaging their relationship:

• Check Yourself: Before starting a difficult conversation, assess your emotional state. Are you actually mad at your partner, or are you just stressed from a bad day at work? It is vital to regulate your emotions and come to the table calm, rather than reactive.
• Pick Your Battles: Not every irritation is worth a fight. Differentiate between meaningful issues and minor preferences (like how the dishwasher is loaded). Constant criticism over small things wears down a relationship.
• Watch Your Mouth: You are 100% responsible for the words you choose. Avoid name-calling and character assassination, which fuel contempt—the number one predictor of divorce. Also, remove the word "divorce" from your vocabulary during arguments; threatening the relationship destroys safety.
• Don't Stack Issues: Stick to one topic at a time. Bringing up past mistakes or laundry lists of grievances ("kitchen sinking") makes resolution impossible.
• Use "I" Statements: Instead of accusing your partner ("You are disrespectful"), focus on your own feelings ("I felt disrespected when..."). This reduces defensiveness and invites empathy.
• Don't Monopolize the Conversation: Conflict resolution is a dialogue, not a monologue. Give your partner space to speak without interrupting, and listen to understand rather than just listening to formulate your rebuttal.

The Takeaway: Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be destructive. By agreeing to these rules of engagement before a fight starts, couples can turn arguments into opportunities for better understanding and connection.

Watch the full discussion here: https://youtu.be/xt2UFbv6eqE?si=KUUziMfmqxVNjyLi

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

Understanding the Roots of Relationship Conflict

In this episode of the Relationstitch podcast, licensed marriage and family therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife Stephanie dive into the inevitable reality of conflict in relationships. Rather than viewing fighting as a sign of failure, they argue that conflict is a normal part of merging two individual lives and can actually be a catalyst for growth if understood correctly.

The hosts break down several distinct sources of disagreement that couples face:

• Right vs. Wrong (Perspective): Often, arguments aren't about facts but about different points of view. Both partners may hold a "piece of the truth," and the goal is to combine those perspectives rather than prove the other wrong.
• Cultural Differences: Our family upbringings dictate our expectations for everything from how to cook fried chicken to how to celebrate Christmas. These deep-seated traditions can clash when partners try to recreate their own childhood experiences.
• "I" Definitions: We all have personal definitions for big concepts like "love" based on our past. If someone experienced abuse disguised as love growing up, their reaction to the phrase "I love you" might be fear rather than comfort, leading to confusion in the relationship.
• Morals and Values: Conflicts over core beliefs—such as religion or politics—are the most difficult to resolve. The hosts suggest that while these differences are hard to compromise on, they require deep respect and commitment to navigate.
• Personal Preferences vs. Personality: Many fights are simply about style—Android vs. iPhone, or an artistic mind vs. an analytical one. Learning to distinguish between a moral issue and a simple preference (like when the trash gets taken out) can save a lot of unnecessary tension.

The Takeaway: Conflict isn't the enemy; it's an opportunity to learn more about your partner. By identifying the root cause of an argument—whether it's a clash of values or just a difference in upbringing—couples can move from defensiveness to understanding.

Watch the full discussion here on YouTube: https://youtu.be/NGhcu_1DUy4?si=xmL_IYFjub5N6S2j

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com

In the premiere episode of the RelationStitch podcast, Episode 1: Marriage is Work, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Clyde Fraley and his wife, Stephanie, dive into a topic that often scares couples: the idea that marriage is "work." But as they explain, this isn't about drudgery—it's about purpose, legacy, and spiritual alignment.

Watch the full video here: https://youtu.be/V9jfQHNFnpY?si=Ti3B0JiuyxOdczOq

Redefining "Work" in Marriage

The hosts immediately clarify that while marriage requires intentional effort, the "work" they are referring to is purposeful, much like the original mandate given to Adam and Eve in Genesis.

• A Biblical Foundation: Clyde and Stephanie discuss how Eve was created as a "helpmate" not to be a servant, but a co-laborer. They emphasize that partners are designed to tackle life’s mission together [03:25].
• More Than Just Procreation: The command to "be fruitful and multiply" isn't just about having children. It represents a call to multiply wisdom, spiritual fruit, and blessings into the next generation, breaking old curses and setting new standards [12:04].

The Psychology of Shared Meaning

Clyde bridges the spiritual with the psychological, referencing the work of renowned therapists John and Julie Gottman. He explains that couples often drift apart because they lack "shared meaning" or "dreams within conflict" [20:04].

• Erikson’s Stages: Using Erik Erikson’s stages of development, Clyde highlights the danger of "Stagnation" in mid-life. If couples stop working toward a common goal after raising kids, they risk boredom and disconnection. The antidote is Generativity—giving back and building a legacy [22:29].

Key Takeaways for Your Marriage

• Create a Vision: Without a vision, a marriage perishes. Couples need a "common garden" to tend—whether that’s a ministry, a business, or a community cause [15:59].
• Intimacy is Conversation: Stephanie notes that true intimacy often happens during deep, late-night conversations about life and goals, not just through physical connection [30:46].
• The Growth Cycle: A healthy marriage follows a cycle: Vision → Work Together → Accomplish → Celebration → Rest → Repeat. This shared victory builds a bond that "makeup sex" alone cannot replicate [33:51].

Action Step: The Family Mission Statement

If you feel your relationship is drifting, the Frys suggest starting with a conversation: "Where are we going?" [28:37]. They recommend creating a Family Mission Statement to keep your "work" aligned and purposeful [36:03].

Click below to watch the full episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu_wRb72Oq6Htdb7EFHkzF1EyAApKfP7D

For relationship courses and free downloadable resources visit www.relationstitch.com
To schedule a therapy session visit www.clydefraley.com