Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards ourselves and others. I’m your host, Miriam Otero.

 

 

Lucky number 7! Hello again, dear listeners. I hope you find yourselves well today. Today’s episode is dedicated to those of you about to say goodbye to your 20s FOREVA or getting close to it, at least. But even if you aren’t quite there yet, there is something here for anyone experiencing major shifts in their life.

There’s something about turning 30 that makes you start taking stock of your life. When you’re younger, it’s a milestone that seems super far away. Then when you finally reach it, you sort of take a pause to assess where you’ve been up to that point, especially your friendships.

Some people make friends early on in life and find those people by their side during their most significant moments. Some meet their best friends in college, while others pick up friends through every experience they have. I’m the latter one, if I’m being honest here. Whichever one you find yourself as, it’s no secret that friends become our chosen family. 

So what do you do when you find yourself unsure of where you stand with them? 

While this seems fairly obvious, many people have a major change in their lives during their late 20s and throughout their 30s. With that change comes a shift in priorities and often, if you aren’t going through that same situation, you begin to find yourself feeling a bit lonelier than you did before. That’s why the one thing I often recommend to clients and friends of mine is to evaluate your friendships. 

What do I mean by that? Let me give you an example.

A friend of mine left their hometown after they were accepted to college in another state. They were incredibly close to their high school friends and were part of the close knit community that was their graduating class. During college, she was able to keep up her friendships, but when she moved abroad for several years, things began to shift. Coming back in her late 20s, she found that most of her friends had settled down or moved away. 

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Maybe you weren’t in that exact situation, but you might know the feeling. Maybe you’ve been away for several years because of college or the military and you’ve experienced things the people that were once closest to you, just can’t relate to.

What most people don’t realize is that this doesn’t have to mean a friendship is over. Our priorities shift, sure, but just because your best friend is now a mom or still single while you’re living the married life, or even if it feels as though you have no shared experiences anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. It just means your friendship has to evolve. 

Sometimes our lives go through a change in the lineup. We might have a starting lineup of friends we turn to most of the time, but during certain times in our life, those players are benched. You know that friend is reliable and shows up when you need them, and you’ve built enough of a solid foundation to have them sit on the bench for a few games. That’s what happens when priorities shift and our lives go through changes. 

And that is when evaluating your friendships and what kind you need in this season of life, show you where to prioritize the people that fill your cup. Here are three simple tips for evaluating your friendships as an adult:

Three Simple Tips for Evaluating Your FriendshipsTip 1: Identify Your Season of Life

What is the focal point of your life right now? What is the biggest priority you have on a daily basis?

Is it to grow and evolve as a human being? Is it making huge strides in your career? Is it being a wife and mother?

Spend some time thinking about your top three priorities and write them out. Not only does it help you to go through that metacognitive process, but it helps you build systems to support you in reaching your biggest goals.

Tip 2: Ask yourself, “How are the people closest to me supporting this season of life?”

I’ve seen so many loved ones go through a hard time when their high school or college friendships begin to fade away. But many times, it’s a natural progression when you’re waist deep in new experiences surrounded by different people. It all depends on whether your friendships were built for change or if they were built for consistency.

I’ll use this specific situation as an example, though I know plenty of people that have recently gone through this situation. Say you and your family have been struggling financially for a while. You’ve made budgets, cut expenses, but it doesn’t leave you getting any closer to your goal, so you and your family decide to stop going out to save money. You tell your friends that they’re more than welcome to come over for dinner and hang out, but that you won’t be spending money going out anymore.

That’s when you start to notice something. In your circle of friends, people who you hung out with on occasion begin to check in regularly to ask how things are going. They even end up making concrete plans to come out and visit you, yet the people who you once considered your best friends can only be reached when you call them. Over the next few months, they basically swap places. What happened?

Here’s the thing, sometimes, some friendships only work when we stay the same. It’s not that your friends don’t want what’s best for you, it’s that they don’t know you any other way and they don’t know how to relate to these new changes in your life, at least not yet. Which leads me to tip number three.

Tip 3: If things feel off, have a talk.

Many times, we find ourselves feeling a bit resentful when there's an imbalance in our relationships. As a teacher and as a personal development coach, I often ask people, “what’s the simplest action you can take to resolve the issue?” It generally comes down to just talking it out. 

The thing is, so many of us are afraid to do this because we’ve already started thinking negatively about the situation and emotions begin to run high. If you’ve ever read anything by Brené Brown or have seen her Netflix special, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. She’s given some great examples of how to handle these types of conversations.

One of the tips she gives is to remember that this person is not in your head and doesn’t have any clue as to your pattern of thinking. We often go to the worst case scenario and approach the conversation from that starting point, which almost always results in it going very badly. Instead, she recommends starting the conversation by stating outright what you’re fearing. 

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine who is generally quite good at following up with me after I contact her, spent several months completely ignoring some of my messages. Of course, my mind immediately went to “Did I do something wrong?”. Yo, I’m a coach, but I’m still human. I still have to actively work on this not being my default reaction. 

So, after my mind went immediately to the worst case scenario, I stopped myself and talked myself through it.

What’s the most likely reason she’s not answering your texts? 

She’s usually busy with work around this time.

What are some other logical reasons?

She’s not getting my texts.

Once I talked myself through it, I decided to just reach out and ask. I told her I was just checking to make sure she was getting my messages and that she was probably busy, but I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t done or said anything to upset her. As it turned out, the former was exactly the case. She had to figure out how to juggle her own schedule and texts with friends outside of her immediate environment were falling through the cracks unintentionally. 

With that conversation, the worry was gone. 

So again. If you’re going through some shifts in your life, just remember it’s as simple as these three things:

• Identify your season of life

• Ask yourself how the people in it are supporting you through it

• Have a conversation to clear the air, know where you stand, and move forward. 

All in all, you may find that depending on the stage you’re in, you may have to shuffle some friendships around, but it doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye for good. Now, if you go through these tips and find that you don’t have as strong of a community as you hoped you would, then you’ll like what I have in store for the next episode.

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode. You can find the show notes under today’s episode on my website, miriamotero.com/podcast and if you’ve enjoyed the podcast and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! See you next week!