For those of you who have been listening from the beginning, thank you for waiting. I’ve been gone for a little while and I’ll be explaining that during the episode, but first, I wanted to make some announcements. I love creating this podcast and would love to make it even better. In order to do that, I’ve decided to take it down to once a month. As you may have noticed from the title of the episode, things are shifting for everyone, myself included.

This podcast was at one point one of my greatest priorities, but now I’ve added others to the list that require much more time and dedication on a day-to-day basis. That being said, I want to continue sharing personal stories, lessons, and tips about living with empathy with all of you. But I also wanted to do it in a way where I was sharing more of myself. As a teacher, I’ve always strived to model what I teach my students. If we’re talking about having a growth mindset, for example, of stretching yourself to do something you may not feel confident in and could take you some time to grasp, I’ve got to give an example of that in my own life.

With so many of us going through life altering changes, I wanted to wait and release an episode when I had navigated the shifts of my own life, share my mindset of what I was going through with those changes, and break down how you could adopt some of those strategies to help you along your 2020 path. Now that I’m almost on the other side of things, I knew it was time to get back on here and reconnect with all of you.

Last Saturday, I was standing in my brightly lit kitchen, drinking my café con leche in my doggie mug I was gifted at Christmas, and I thought to myself, “Had I known we’d be in a global pandemic for nearly all of 2020, I would’ve made the effort to go out on NYE”. And then I thought to myself, “Can’t change the past! But I can still change the course of my future”. Many of us right now have probably had similar thoughts. We think back to all the times we groaned about having to get up to go to the gym, getting invited to go out on a Friday night after a long week at work and just wanting to Netflix and fall asleep, or all of those chats with friends we kept pushing back because our schedules just didn’t coincide.

By now, you may have realized what has been imbalanced in your life. I hope that many of you have started creating a roadmap for how you want to proceed forward in your life with more joy, love, laughter, and play. I especially hope, given the many episodes I’ve done on this podcast about friendship, that you’ve evaluated what type of friend you want to be and the type of friendships you have in your life. Recently, I’ve been thinking of what all of these shifts mean to the collective. Some of the spiritual people I follow have called it “the Great Pause” and that’s true to a certain extent because there are still many things happening and moving. So, I’ve decided to call this period “The Great Pivot”.

Collectively, we are shifting in the way we do things. That’s really the most general way of putting it. For some, this may be a pretty dramatic upheaval in your life if you don’t like change or lean into change. For others, it may have been a welcome change. Maybe you wanted a slowdown or a chance to go inward and make time for the millions of thoughts swirling around in your head at any given moment. For one thing, collectively, we are learning what being in our own energy is like and what it changes in our environment when we engage with others.

We are entering a new stage of life. And I say with great compassion and empathy that the changes that may be positive for some, may be challenging and life altering for others. And so, I say with great trepidation that I do not speak for anyone’s experience, but my own. And the things I will share with you today are how I’ve been navigating these turbulent waters of uncertainty and frustration. I also acknowledge the great privileges I have in that. For example, many who know me know that at the start of the global health crisis, I had an unexpected out-of-state move. In that situation, I was incredibly fortunate that I was able to stay with family up until just a few weeks ago. Not everyone has that built in system of support and it’s good to remember that there are struggles MANY people are facing that we cannot see or don’t fully understand.

1. Taking it back to 2019 – For those of you who have been following along, you might remember that during the last few years I had taken a break from teaching, been coaching people, and doing a lot of inner work. In 2019, I was…

   1. Centered around undoing programming from childhood – being afraid of disappointing others or getting caught up in societal expectations for who I should be.

   2. Focusing on my relationships

   3. Lots of curious learning & going back to school

2. Spain, forever in my heart – For years, I yearned to be back in Spain. It didn’t matter what I was doing, I was just happy to be there. That was the plan, until it wasn’t.

   1. January 2020 ≠ August 2020

   2. Desire for stability & community

   3. Societal changes, structural changes, & the need for innovative individuals

3. The Steps I Followed to Pivot in a New Direction

   1. Writing my Personal Mission Statement

      1. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

   2. Going back to teaching

      1. 2020’s need for teachers with an understanding of social-emotional learning, anxiety, & strategies for coping with stress.

      2. Learning curve for EVERYONE

   3. My 2020 motto: Surrender & Evolve - What do I need to surrender? How do I need to evolve?

      1. Implementation time – Putting into practice all of the things I’ve learned.

      2. Take the long term approach - How can I set myself up for success in the long term?

Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards ourselves and others. I’m your host, Miriam Otero .

Alright, today we are talking about self-care vs community care. You’ve probably heard a lot about self-care; some of you might be thinking you hear too much about it, to be honest. This episode is a bit more personal, as I share the topic through the lens of my experience of a few years ago. It’s helped people in my community and in sharing it with you, I hope it helps you or someone you love. 

In the second episode of this season, I talked about the importance of treating yourself like a friend. Part of that is self-care; looking out for yourself. I began this season by looking at the self because that’s where all change begins, is with you. The thing is that there are times in life when just looking after ourselves isn’t enough to get us through the challenges we’re confronted with and that’s where community care comes in. 

There’s a disturbing trend I’ve noticed and I wanted to use it as an example of what I mean by community care. Loneliness is one the rise, especially in the United States. There was an article that I read on NPR where they cited a survey where they found that half of Americans view themselves as lonely. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, as many of us find ourselves on the lonely side of that survey. It got me thinking about self-care and community care. 

We talk a lot about self-care, but frankly, we don’t talk about the responsibility we have to each other as being part of a community.  After all, we are tribal creatures, social beings. Back when it was just us and the land, being part of a community was essential to survival and throughout our history, people have been able to survive and thrive when they’ve focused on collaboration and working together to solve problems. There are so many things vying for our attention these days that we barely have energy for the things we have to do, let alone the things we want to do. Suddenly, the thriving social connections you had in your younger years begin to disappear. 

There’s so much focus on the negative these days and I get it. There is a lot to be critical of, but we’re doing a pretty awful job of giving equal time and space to taking care of ourselves and looking out for our tribe. The year that survey came out, I was one of those lonely people. I came to realize that no matter how much self-care you do, you still need community.

Over the course of my 20s, I’d made many friends throughout all the different experiences I had taken part of. I knew what community was supposed to feel like, yet suddenly I found myself without one. How could it be? I had always gone out of my way to get people together, to check in with friends, and take trips to visit them. 

What I realized that year was that I didn’t really have a self-care routine that consistently kept me grounded AND that up until that point, I had always weathered emotional storms on my own. And I mean codependent relationships, death, tough job situations, etc. So, when the time came when I finally needed support, no one knew I needed it because I didn’t know how to ask for help.

That was the year that inspired a lot of the episodes thus far. When I finally did share with friends that I needed support, only a handful were able to show up for me in that way. Many people who I thought were friends that I could lean on for support, weren’t those kinds of friends. It was a tough time to learn a hard lesson. 

But it allowed me to be more discerning with my energy. The Miriam I am to my sisters and was to my students doesn’t need to be the Miriam I am to every acquaintance I make, which is what I was doing before. Sometimes, these hard times come into our lives to shed light on what’s really important to us.

Recently, I kept hearing the term Sliding Doors. I had no idea that it was referring to a movie. But, within a span of four days, I’d heard it three times. I’m a big believer in synchronicities and nudges from the universe, so I decided to check it out. 

If you haven’t seen it, it’s a movie from the 90s starring Gwyneth Paltrow. The first 10-15 minutes of the film, you see her take off to work and she ends up getting fired. At the same time that’s happening, her boyfriend is at home cheating on her with another woman. Gwyneth Paltrow heads out to catch the underground (subway, for those of you from this side of the pond) and this is where the story splits. In one scenario, she’s able to make a run for it and catch the subway before the doors close. In the other, she just misses it. 

From that point forward you see two drastically different experiences she ends up having because of these sliding doors. I won’t ruin the movie for you if you want to check it out, but it got me thinking about how life often leads us in different directions based off of one small change. In one scenario, we could be consciously making choices for ourselves and in another, we could be on autopilot for decades, only to wake up, look around, and not know who we are.

Are you consciously choosing to live the life you want or are you letting life choose for you?

We are what we focus on. What are you prioritizing in your life? 

Is it connection?

Is it love?

Is it kindness or empathy?

Or is it anger, frustration, despair? 

Even if you’re doing good work in the world, are you martyring yourself for a cause? Are you miserable doing that good work because you don’t leave time for community to fill your cup? 

That’s where I found myself not too long ago. I say it because I know what it feels like to go through it. I also know how difficult it is to make a change unless you’re forced to and this is what it looked like for me:

When I decided to leave teaching for a bit and start my training to be a personal development coach, I didn’t know how those two things combined would bust me wide open. For one, I didn’t realize how much I would miss teaching kids when I left and during that year away from teaching, it really weighed on me. I LOVED being a middle school teacher.

Not identifying as a teacher for a year had really shaken my foundation, because I had always wanted to be a teacher. When I wasn’t anymore, I didn’t really know who I was without it. It caught me off guard because I’d never experienced anything like this before. 

So, why am I sharing such an intimate story with you all? For several reasons, actually. The first is that I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to identify this within myself sooner. I’m a huge advocate for well-being and even spent time working at a mental health non-profit, so to go through this myself was a huge wakeup call for me. It’s something that can really sneak up on you, even when you don’t think it ever will. 

The second reason was that during that time and the months that followed, I stayed off of social media. When I finally did go back, I shared this story on there with my community.

In sharing my story, I got a bunch of responses from people. Most sharing their support and stories of loved ones going through similar things, but there were a few who reached out to tell me that they too had been through it themselves. Months later, I knew of several people who found the courage to seek help after they heard me and several others in their lives talking openly about their struggles. Knowing that sharing what I had experienced had helped someone, made me realize it was ok to be vulnerable in this way with people that I knew and loved.

The third reason is a selfish one, but one I’m unapologetic about. When I left my teaching job midyear, I did so with a heavy heart. When I made the announcement I would be leaving mid-year, there were 37 people whose hearts I broke that never got a good reason as to why I was leaving so suddenly. If there’s one regret I had, it was that. My goal as a teacher and as a human being is to live by what I advocate for and be a model of what that looks like. I also want you to know that if there ever comes a time where you’re in a similar place, it’s ok to choose to take care of yourself. In choosing to take care of myself, I chose to nurture myself back to a place where I could give back to others fully and wholeheartedly; the place where I’m at today.

Though I got to that place through a lot of acceptance and work on my part, I wouldn’t be where I am at this moment had it not been for the community care I’ve received throughout my life, but especially during that difficult period. That’s where we can all do better, taking better care of ourselves not just to feel more fulfilled, but so we can show up for others when our support is the pivotal piece they need to feel any sense of hope. 

And that’s part of the reason I started this podcast: to pose those questions so that you don’t have to get to a place where life puts circumstances in your life that force you to see what’s good. So really, I hope that if you are struggling with something like this that you reach out to your loved ones and seek professional help if that’s what you need. That community care is essential to our wellbeing. 

Thank you for sticking with me. I know this episode was longer and more real than what you’re used to.

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode!

Have you had any insights from listening to any of the episodes so far this season? If you’ve enjoyed the podcast and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! Catch ya later!

Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards ourselves and others. I’m your host, Miriam Otero.

Hello dear listeners and welcome back to another episode!

In the last episode we talked about how to make friends as an adult, but how do you keep these friendships up once you’ve made them? After all, friends are the families we choose. Our friends can have an enormous impact on our style, sense of humor, interests, and the way we see the world, but we rarely give much thought to what we need in a friend or what kind of friend we are, until often times it’s too late.

In this episode, we’re going to explore what being a good friend actually looks like for us and outline a few ways you can show up for the people in your life. They’re quite simple, but effective. 

Again, as I’ve stated in previous episodes, some of the qualities you look for in a friend are going to change over time. In your late teens and early 20s, you might want friends who are just down to have a good time. They’re up for having adventures and staying up all night. Maybe they’re people who don’t hold you back from taking chances and allow you to make mistakes without judgement, but will still reign you in when you’ve gone too far. In your 30s, you might still want friends who exhibit those qualities, but also do it all before 10pm because that’s your bedtime now and you need your sleep. 

I have two good friends I made while I was working at my first teaching job in LA and we always joke about how we’re going to have a wild night out, which for us means staying up past 9pm, actually leaving the house, and eating greasy foods. Nothing is more dangerous in your late 20s and mid 30s than eating pizza before bed, let me tell ya!

In any evaluation of friendships, ending of friendships, or the making of a new friendship, we play a pivotal role in the unfolding of it. Take a good look at your life so far. Who do you consider a good friend in your life? What exactly has this person done that has made them a good friend? I want you to try writing this down. Jot down a list of five friends you consider to have the qualities of a great friend and then, write down examples of ways they’ve shown you those qualities. Do you see a trend?

Now, take a look at yourself. Who considers you a good friend? And why do they describe you that way? 

Our tendency is to look at the negative, to look at the ways we’ve been let down in friendships in the past. Let’s try and keep things positive. Many of us can find examples of good friendship somewhere in our lives. 

Part of that definition is formed by what we’re willing to accept from others, what stage we find ourselves in, and what we need to truly feel connected to someone. My own definition of a “good friend” has evolved over time. 

For me, I happen to be in a stage in my life where I’ve taken my life down to the bare essentials in every aspect. After getting rid of my personal social media accounts, I realized how easy it is to fall into the trap of using social media as our only means for connection. We’re no longer comfortable with the idea of losing touch with people. For me, these small one on one reunions have been a source of pure joy, especially since getting rid of my accounts. I’m not suggesting people get rid of them; it works for me because I realized I thrive in the land of simplicity. 

I’m in a place in my life where I’d rather have a smaller group of friends, those whose friendships energized me. I also asked myself why? Why do I always walk away from my time with these people with a sense of happiness? These are friendships that were built on compassion, understanding, and curiosity. I call these coffee shop friendships because much like a coffee shop, I can spend hours with them just completely relaxed and present. Just one day with those friends can leave me feeling full for months, so a few quality catch ups with them per month go a long way.

I always try to paint a complete picture and it’s obvious that in any effort to simplify your life, it usually means that some people will fall away. The three types of friendships that I’ve slowly backed away from are superficial ones, angry ones, and complaining ones. 

While I was going through a rough time a few years ago, those friendships just naturally went on a sort of hiatus because of how much energy I had to put into them, energy which I just didn’t have. 

When I got better, I evaluated what was adding to my life and what was taking away. I started this podcast by saying that I’m an empath and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more sensitive to other people’s energy. Superficial friendships built on experiences we had years ago, like a job or a class, fell away. With the others, I started setting clearer boundaries than what we had before. 

In my case, I remembered something that Oprah said once in an interview that changed my perspective on how I approach people. 

She said, “I had to do a clearing in my life of people whose energy, I realized, was not supportive of who I wanted to be in the world. And I realized that there are people who are not going to take responsibility for their energy, so I now have to take responsibility for the energy that I allow to be brought into my space. What I know is that you cannot continue to move forward in your life to the level [...] that you need to be, if you’re surrounded by energy that brings you down, that sucks the life force from you. [...]”

As I mentioned in the evaluating friendships episode, there will be times when some friendships need to take a backseat. We’re all going through things in our own way and in our own time. I don’t judge people when they are angry or they are complaining, but it’s not my job to change that. 

During that rough time in my life, I came to realize that throughout my life, I have a tendency to attract people into it who want me to save them and do the work for them. For many years, I did because that’s the programming I was living under. That’s not the case anymore, so those friendships have taken a step back or faded completely. This has allowed me to be a much better friend to those who aren’t just draining me all the time. 

Through the years, I’ve paid attention to what people say makes me a good friend and I’ve written down some things of my own that I feel make others a good friend to me. These seem overly simplistic, but you’d be surprised at how few people do them these days. 

So, without further ado, here are ten ways I go about being a good friend. 

As I mentioned, the best friendships are a two-way street where both friends are equally invested in the relationship and put in similar effort; if you think of it visually, it might look like a pair of scales. One may be a bit heavier than the other at times, but it should never be so imbalanced that it looks like a seesaw with one person on it. We all know that’s no fun.

Give your friendship the respect it deserves by being fully present whenever you’re with a friend. With so many things competing for our attention, our friends shouldn’t have to fight for it too. It’s already hard enough as it is to make plans with one another, so show your friends how much you miss them by giving them your full attention when you get together. Which leads me to number three...

Listen & ask questions; it’s as simple as that. Some of my best friends these days are people that know how to engage in conversation and not just a monologue. We all have lots of things going on in our lives, but part of what makes a friendship great is not just dumping all this information on someone and then not giving them a chance to respond to it. 

I have friendships that have lasted over a decade because I’ve learned that they might be terrible at texting or calling, but are the best companions when we meet up. Figure out what works best for both of you and make room for regular quality time. What I learned about these friends is that while they’re really bad at texting back, they’re never on their phone when we’re together and that really means a lot to me. Though we may not get together often, when we do, it’s like no time has passed.

This is one of the simplest things, and yet, so many people forget to do it. How many times have you had a marathon conversation with your friend and they’ve mentioned something important coming up for them? Make a note of that and follow-up. This also goes for following up after your friend was the one to reach out the last time. You never know what someone is going through and how just touching base with them can lift their spirits.

This goes along with following up. This could be sending them memes, articles, podcasts, book recommendations, or whatever reminds you of them. One of my friends knows I’ve been spending a lot of time learning about Astrology, Tarot, and manifestation and sends me the BEST memes when she comes across them. Even though she’s not super into those things, it shows me she supports my interests. Knowing that my friends thought of me AND reached out always makes the day better.

We all go through challenging times in our lives and often, our friends are the ones we turn to when we need someone to lean on. While not all of your friends will show up in the same way, make sure you have a few good friends you feel comfortable sharing the more challenging situations with, that will support you along the way. I know when I went through a rough time a couple of years ago, I was getting professional help, but it was so meaningful to have those handful of friends that were checking in on my progress. If there’s a scary appointment coming up that they’re dreading, ask if they need you to come along. If you can’t go, check in on them after. And always look out for them when they’re grieving a loss and show up to the funeral if you have the details.

As important as it is to be there during the difficult times, your friends should also be your personal hype team when things are going well. These days, it’s also good to have people who will peel you away from your couch and your streaming service of choice. I love when friends of mine take me out to celebrate the mundane, like paying off debt or turning down a bad job. Whether it’s going out for dinner and drinks or sending a nice card, it’s always nice when your friends are there to celebrate your wins with you too!

Traditions are a great way to have something meaningful to look forward to year after year. It could also be a ritual of sorts that you do if you see each other infrequently, like doing a hike together or visiting a new diner. I have a friend in Spain that stays up to watch the Oscars every year, so we bet on who will win each category and then add up our results. Whoever loses has to treat the other to breakfast, which usually happens when I visit once a year. 

I saved the most important one for last because after all, communication is the foundation on which you build every relationship in your life. Friends don’t know what we’re thinking or what’s going on in our lives, unless we tell them. That also goes for the times things feel off. If your friend doesn’t realize they’re not showing up for you, kindly let them know. Sometimes we’re going to fail at being a good friend. When that’s the case, accept your mistake, apologize, and more importantly, SHOW UP. Like any other relationship, the best friendships are built on trust and communication. Communication and boundaries go hand in hand; people won’t know how to treat you if you don’t let them know and then, enforce the boundaries you’ve set. 

What I’ve just listed here are my non-negotiables in a friendship: what I’ve identified as being the foundational blocks of every solid friendship I’ve had that’s stood the test of time. It’s often the little things that make us love others. 

We’re living in a time where it’s easy to lose touch, despite being so connected. We default to thinking we know everything about each other because of social media and forgo making the time to see each other because of our other priorities. Here’s the thing, loneliness is on the rise all over the world and unless we actively make choices that strengthen the bonds in our life, they’ll break. So, at the end of this episode, go ahead. Reach out to someone you care about. Send them a quick text saying you miss them and follow up with a hang out. You’ll be glad you did.

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode. If you’ve enjoyed the episode and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! 

Take care!

Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards others and ourselves. I’m your host, Miriam Otero.

Hello dear listeners. Thanks for tuning in to another episode. I’m so grateful to have you here with me today.

Whether you’d like to admit it or not, making friends as an adult is a lot harder than it was in high school. You may disagree with me on this one, because maybe for you it was super difficult making friends at that age.

What I really mean by that is that when you’re in high school, you’re constantly surrounded by people. Monday through Friday, your job is to learn alongside your peers. Whether you’re grouped up for projects, seated next to one another for the school year, playing sports together or doing a play, you end up finding people to talk to and hang out with for the school year and possibly much longer. 

As a former middle school teacher, I’ll say that I’ve given a lot of thought to groupings and seating arrangements in the past, hoping that a bit of planning on my part would create a great learning environment for my students AND that some friendships would form along the way. 

The thing is, when we get older it’s MUCH more difficult to just find people to talk to. When you’re a teenager, your whole life is your friends, with school coming in at second (sorry parents). As an adult, we have competing priorities: work, school, romantic partners, sleep, exercise, family, friends, and ourselves. It’s a constant juggling act. 

And as I mentioned in earlier episodes, there comes a time when you go through a major shift in your life that often causes you to pause. If not, it usually hits you in the face. 

Either way, one day you end up looking around and realizing that your circle of friends has diminished or possibly disappeared and you’re wondering how to make more.

And that’s usually when the confusion starts.

As adults we tend to think about things a LOT more seriously than we did as kids. I had a student whose parents were concerned that he wouldn’t have any friends that year because his couple of close friends had moved away. Introverted and with slightly more unique interests, it had been hard for him up until that point to make new friends. I worked my seating arrangement magic and within a week, he was just as distracted by his friends as the other middle schoolers who already had friends on the first day of school. 

Yay for him, boo for my classroom management.  

A few years ago after moving back to the states, I went through this change myself. I was back in LA to teach after living abroad, I’d turned 30, and many of my college friends had had major life changes too, like engagements, marriages, and children. They’d also solidified their new lives during the time I had been gone. While I reconnected with some over coffees and lunches, there were others whose priorities didn’t leave room for old friends. And honestly, I found myself struggling to find my place in the whole thing. 

I’m not ashamed to say I Googled how to make friends as an adult; it autocompleted before I could even finish. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one wondering. My search resulted in a plethora of articles with that very title, but I was disappointed when most of them just talked about joining meetups and taking a spin class. That’s gonna be a no from me dawg. This awkward ambivert doesn’t do meetups. And I sure as hell don’t do spin classes.

I closed my computer that night determined to figure this out. It was only a month later that I began to find my footing and by the end of the school year, I was looking around just feeling super grateful to be part of a community again. So this episode is a breakdown of what I’ve learned these last few years in regards to making friends and the framework I use to build community.

If you’ve listened to the last episode on evaluating your friendships, you’re probably clear already on what’s missing in your life. Are you looking for casual day-to-day friendships? People to have lunch with at work or go to happy hour with after? Or are you lacking deeper connections with people? People who can tell you’re having an off day before you even say one word. Either way, taking a good look at what you’ve got and what you need is the best start.

At the time, I had a solid group of close friends sprinkled around the world and a few at home, but my day-to-day interactions with adults boiled down to asking someone to fix the jammed copy machine. Or smiling and saying good morning, only to realize they’re probably nocturnal creatures who don’t like people talking to them before 8am and coffee. 

Ok... I guess I’ll go hide now. 

I knew that I wanted more meaningful interactions during the week and people to make plans with every other weekend. Step one was clear.

Despite being awkward AF in middle school and high school, I had no problem making friends and that’s that I moved cities right as I started middle school and then after spending two years making friends there, the school boundaries changed. I ended up having to go to a completely different high school from where my closest friends went. But it wasn’t long before I had friends there too. 

So how is it that a gawky, insecure middle school/high school girl was able to make friends so easily?

Well, it helps that I look super approachable for one. In fact, it’s the one thing I got 100% on in my teaching surveys. The second thing is that because I was shy, I got really good at listening and asking questions so that the other person would talk more. These days, I know that it’s one of the main tips people give for how to approach networking events or going somewhere alone. I did it as a coping mechanism for discomfort and awkwardness, but have gotten really good at it over time. Eventually, I got over my shyness too. 

It’s no surprise then that on my first day of work in LA, I started just saying hi to people and asking questions. 

I cornered my first victim around the breakfast snacks. Just kidding. Though it is something we talk about now when we look back on that time. She was like, “I just thought you were so nice and were great at making conversation with strangers.” Yep, that’s me? 

That teacher became my first friend at that school and has now been a close friend of mine for the last five years. Which leads me to step three.

You have to start by being a bit courageous and consistent. For me, it was initiating that first conversation and then continuing to say hi and strike up a conversation every day after that. It was the small gestures like asking if she wanted anything if I was heading across the street for a coffee. It was texting each other if there was left over food up for grabs in the faculty lounge. This is all inside scoop into teaching life, by the way, so you’re welcome. 

I took what was at first a shallow connection and elevated it into a friendship. 

When I coach clients, I often ask, “What’s the simplest step you can take towards your goal?”

When it comes to making friends, you have to take some initiative. This doesn’t mean that if you are a shy, introverted artsy person, that you have to start going to sports meetups every day. It means taking intentional action by identifying what small step you can take that aligns with who you are. 

So, if you are a more introverted and artsy, maybe it’s asking someone to go to an art walk with you or grab coffee together. Keep it simple.

So, now I’m going to suggest three ideas. These align with the start where you are principal that I talked about in step three. 

Maybe you’re new to a city, so alumni groups or organizations associated with things you used to be a part of are a great place to start since you already have one thing in common. A coworker of mine told me that when he moved out to LA, he started going to watch parties for his college’s football games and ended up making some great friends from it. My Catalan professor in college told my class that if we were Barcelona fans, there was a group called a peña that was like a fan club for a sport that met up at a bar to watch the games. Even if it may not be your passion, just going places where you already have one thing in common can help A LOT.

I’m not sure where I read that phrase, but it stuck with me. Ask good friends of yours to introduce you to people who they think you would be good friends with. I’ve met some of my current friends through other really great friends and I know others who have done the same. And if that feels too awkward you can host a get together. I’ve heard of plus one parties for dating, but I think the same concept could be turned into a gathering to make new friends.

One of my study abroad friends is the most AMAZING host. Anytime she plans a get together, she is always super mindful about the guest list. I’ve always walked out of her gatherings with new acquaintances. Another friend of mine started hosting donation dinner parties, where a group of people planned the dinner and asked for a donation to a specific charity. They were free to invite someone who supported the cause and it made for an interesting time. 

No matter what approach you end up taking, it requires you to be intentional, consistent, and a little brave.

Looking back on that first year back in the states, it actually ended up being an incredible year, but it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t get clear on what types of friends I was looking for and been a bit more intentional about seeking it out. I went to every Friday hangout, even when I didn’t know anyone there. Sure, I sort of stood around awkwardly like most people do when they don’t know anyone well, but after a few weeks, I didn’t feel awkward anymore. 

By my second year, I volunteered to be the (unofficial) Social Coordinator, organizing ultimate frisbee games and Friday hangouts, finding myself being the one to bring others together. At the end of the year, almost every person that showed up to the final gathering came up and thanked me for always putting in the effort to create that sense of community. I was just happy to pay it forward. 

Is there anything from today’s episode that resonates with you? I know taking that first step is always hard, but you never know where that step will lead you. 

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode. If you’ve enjoyed the podcast so far and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. 

And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! See you next week!

Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards ourselves and others. I’m your host, Miriam Otero.

Lucky number 7! Hello again, dear listeners. I hope you find yourselves well today. Today’s episode is dedicated to those of you about to say goodbye to your 20s FOREVA or getting close to it, at least. But even if you aren’t quite there yet, there is something here for anyone experiencing major shifts in their life.

There’s something about turning 30 that makes you start taking stock of your life. When you’re younger, it’s a milestone that seems super far away. Then when you finally reach it, you sort of take a pause to assess where you’ve been up to that point, especially your friendships.

Some people make friends early on in life and find those people by their side during their most significant moments. Some meet their best friends in college, while others pick up friends through every experience they have. I’m the latter one, if I’m being honest here. Whichever one you find yourself as, it’s no secret that friends become our chosen family. 

So what do you do when you find yourself unsure of where you stand with them? 

While this seems fairly obvious, many people have a major change in their lives during their late 20s and throughout their 30s. With that change comes a shift in priorities and often, if you aren’t going through that same situation, you begin to find yourself feeling a bit lonelier than you did before. That’s why the one thing I often recommend to clients and friends of mine is to evaluate your friendships. 

What do I mean by that? Let me give you an example.

A friend of mine left their hometown after they were accepted to college in another state. They were incredibly close to their high school friends and were part of the close knit community that was their graduating class. During college, she was able to keep up her friendships, but when she moved abroad for several years, things began to shift. Coming back in her late 20s, she found that most of her friends had settled down or moved away. 

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Maybe you weren’t in that exact situation, but you might know the feeling. Maybe you’ve been away for several years because of college or the military and you’ve experienced things the people that were once closest to you, just can’t relate to.

What most people don’t realize is that this doesn’t have to mean a friendship is over. Our priorities shift, sure, but just because your best friend is now a mom or still single while you’re living the married life, or even if it feels as though you have no shared experiences anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. It just means your friendship has to evolve. 

Sometimes our lives go through a change in the lineup. We might have a starting lineup of friends we turn to most of the time, but during certain times in our life, those players are benched. You know that friend is reliable and shows up when you need them, and you’ve built enough of a solid foundation to have them sit on the bench for a few games. That’s what happens when priorities shift and our lives go through changes. 

And that is when evaluating your friendships and what kind you need in this season of life, show you where to prioritize the people that fill your cup. Here are three simple tips for evaluating your friendships as an adult:

What is the focal point of your life right now? What is the biggest priority you have on a daily basis?

Is it to grow and evolve as a human being? Is it making huge strides in your career? Is it being a wife and mother?

Spend some time thinking about your top three priorities and write them out. Not only does it help you to go through that metacognitive process, but it helps you build systems to support you in reaching your biggest goals.

I’ve seen so many loved ones go through a hard time when their high school or college friendships begin to fade away. But many times, it’s a natural progression when you’re waist deep in new experiences surrounded by different people. It all depends on whether your friendships were built for change or if they were built for consistency.

I’ll use this specific situation as an example, though I know plenty of people that have recently gone through this situation. Say you and your family have been struggling financially for a while. You’ve made budgets, cut expenses, but it doesn’t leave you getting any closer to your goal, so you and your family decide to stop going out to save money. You tell your friends that they’re more than welcome to come over for dinner and hang out, but that you won’t be spending money going out anymore.

That’s when you start to notice something. In your circle of friends, people who you hung out with on occasion begin to check in regularly to ask how things are going. They even end up making concrete plans to come out and visit you, yet the people who you once considered your best friends can only be reached when you call them. Over the next few months, they basically swap places. What happened?

Here’s the thing, sometimes, some friendships only work when we stay the same. It’s not that your friends don’t want what’s best for you, it’s that they don’t know you any other way and they don’t know how to relate to these new changes in your life, at least not yet. Which leads me to tip number three.

Many times, we find ourselves feeling a bit resentful when there's an imbalance in our relationships. As a teacher and as a personal development coach, I often ask people, “what’s the simplest action you can take to resolve the issue?” It generally comes down to just talking it out. 

The thing is, so many of us are afraid to do this because we’ve already started thinking negatively about the situation and emotions begin to run high. If you’ve ever read anything by Brené Brown or have seen her Netflix special, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. She’s given some great examples of how to handle these types of conversations.

One of the tips she gives is to remember that this person is not in your head and doesn’t have any clue as to your pattern of thinking. We often go to the worst case scenario and approach the conversation from that starting point, which almost always results in it going very badly. Instead, she recommends starting the conversation by stating outright what you’re fearing. 

Not too long ago, a good friend of mine who is generally quite good at following up with me after I contact her, spent several months completely ignoring some of my messages. Of course, my mind immediately went to “Did I do something wrong?”. Yo, I’m a coach, but I’m still human. I still have to actively work on this not being my default reaction. 

So, after my mind went immediately to the worst case scenario, I stopped myself and talked myself through it.

What’s the most likely reason she’s not answering your texts? 

She’s usually busy with work around this time.

What are some other logical reasons?

She’s not getting my texts.

Once I talked myself through it, I decided to just reach out and ask. I told her I was just checking to make sure she was getting my messages and that she was probably busy, but I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t done or said anything to upset her. As it turned out, the former was exactly the case. She had to figure out how to juggle her own schedule and texts with friends outside of her immediate environment were falling through the cracks unintentionally. 

With that conversation, the worry was gone. 

So again. If you’re going through some shifts in your life, just remember it’s as simple as these three things:

• Identify your season of life

• Ask yourself how the people in it are supporting you through it

• Have a conversation to clear the air, know where you stand, and move forward. 

All in all, you may find that depending on the stage you’re in, you may have to shuffle some friendships around, but it doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye for good. Now, if you go through these tips and find that you don’t have as strong of a community as you hoped you would, then you’ll like what I have in store for the next episode.

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode. You can find the show notes under today’s episode on my website, miriamotero.com/podcast and if you’ve enjoyed the podcast and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! See you next week!