Wisdom-Trek / Creating a Legacy
Welcome to Day 183 of our Wisdom-Trek, and thank you for joining me.
This is Guthrie Chamberlain, Your Guide to Wisdom.
Should Have, Would Have, Could Have
Thank you for joining us for our 7 days a week, 7 minutes of wisdom podcast. This is Day 183 of our Trek, and yesterday we explored the 25 nuggets or Proverbs for Abundant Living. Today we are going to hike the “Should Have, Would Have, Could Have” trail otherwise known as the Tyranny of the Should. If you miss any of our Wisdom-Trek episodes, please go to Wisdom-Trek.com to listen to them and read the daily journal.
We are recording our podcast from our studio at The Big House in Marietta, Ohio. On Sunday, we went to church with my Dad, who lives about an hour north of The Big House. We also took him out for lunch at Cracker Barrel, which is his favorite place to eat. Our daughter Elizabeth and her four children came over for the evening to help us consume some Thanksgiving leftovers, and the grandkids helped Gramps get started on the renovations in the library. This week will be a busy work week with client work and planning for 2016.
Have you ever had those times where you have felt or said, “I should have made a different choice or decision?” For example, your narrative may have gone like this…“I should have made a different decision, then I would have been in a better place. And, I could have so much more in life.” The trek that we will hike today is the “Should Have, Would Have, Could Have” trail, or as some may refer to it, The Tyranny or the Should of Trail.
Tyranny of the Should
Learn how to free yourself from the destructive, incessant pressure to be perfect.
Everyone lives with "shoulds." One might say that Christianity and other faiths are a way of life built on shoulds, such as one should love others, one should keep themselves from bad practices, and one should give to charity. For many, their shoulds are experienced as positive and fulfilling. Meeting one's moral obligations is a great source of pleasure. When we do the right thing, we feel good about ourselves and feel that life has meaning and purpose.
But there are others who do not experience shoulds in a positive way. They feel pressured and strangled by them. For such people, their inner shoulds are sources of great emotional suffering. Dr. Karen Horney named this experience, the "tyranny of the should."
Here are some examples of shoulds that can become problematic:
I should always feel happy.
I should not dislike anyone.
I should feel strong and in control.
I should have perfect clarity.
I should always be giving.
I should not make mistakes.
I should never get angry.
I should never waste time.
I should always feel productive.
Shoulds become tyrannical when they are experienced as making impossible demands that are impossible to meet. "You should never be weak," is an impossible demand to meet. The "tyranny of the should" is experienced as a demand to be perfect and, therefore, feels like an order given by an oppressive dictator who ruthlessly demands perfection and nothing less. Shoulds are rigid, unyielding, and devoid of compassion for your limitations and weaknesses. You are never able to relax because the pressure to be perfect is unrelenting.
When shoulds are reinforced by social pressure, they become even more unbearable. Under the burden of these dictates, your behavior may become pressured, forced, and may even take on an obsessive quality. The hallmark of the experience if you are controlled by the tyranny of the should is that you feel driven, but you never feel like the driver of your life.