“I want some juice.”
“I beg your pardon?”
If my mother was reading this, she would most probably reply in the same way she did to me as a child: “I want doesn’t get”.
Basically meaning, that’s rude. We don’t use the verb “want” to ask for things.
It sounds too demanding. Ask more politely.
This brings me to the topic for this week. Being tactful and not too direct.
We can learn a language but there are things we need to know about how it is used. We need to learn about the nuances. Many cultural differences exist in language and they influence the way we speak.
I came to Spain speaking a bit like a grammar book. I had a great knowledge of grammar, but I soon realised that nobody here would walk into a shop and ask for a loaf of bread the way that I had been taught. It was far too formal.
I was taught to use the conditional: ‘Quisiera una barra de pan.’
After trying it out a few times and getting looked at like I had three heads, I started to focus on how the locals asked for things.
Hearing people walking into shops and using the imperative form and the equivalent of “Give me a loaf of bread” truly shocked me. I didn’t feel comfortable speaking in that way, but I had to adapt my language and change my mentality somewhat. So, I did. However, I would always make sure to say hello, ask with “please” and leave with a “thank you”.
Over the years, I have observed that generally the Spanish, just like the Germans, can be extremely direct with their language. They say things how they are. They do not mince their words. They don’t need to hide things in a ball of fluff. They just come out with it. Job done. Make of it what you will.
The problem is that this is not the case in English. So, if you are learning English, it is very important to take this into consideration. If you walk into a shop saying “ I want a loaf of bread” or “ Give me a loaf of bread”, you are most likely to get kicked out or get the bread thrown at you. As a general rule, in Britain, we are taught to be polite and diplomatic. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who aren’t, but for the large majority, the thought of upsetting someone or even worse, offending them is a source of great upset.
Teaching English to many nationalities, but particularly to Spanish people, I know that in English, the way we cover things in glitter and cotton wool seems ridiculous. But that is how it is.
TEXT VOCABULARY
I beg your pardon? - Pardon? Sorry? - It’s often used when someone has offended you too like “what did you just say to me? That’s unbelievable” it does, of course, depend on the tone of voice.
Nuances - small differences in meaning, feelings, appearance
To try something out - to test something
To get looked at like you have three heads - people look at you like you are strange/weird
Somewhat - a moderate amount / to ascertain degree / a bit
Make sure to - make an effort to
Fluff - soft material/fibres/ball of dust
Come out with something - To say something without thinking
Make of it what you will - Think what you want
To take this into consideration- To take something into account
Loaf of bread - Bread is uncountable - This is the way to make it countable
To get kicked out - someone tells you to leave somewhere
Don’t get me wrong - an expression used to mean - I hope you don't misunderstand what I’m saying…
Upsetting someone - to make someone feel angry, sad or upset, disappointed or worried
Glitter - tiny pieces of metallic material that is used to decorate things
Cotton wool - soft cotton used to remove make-up or clean wounds.
LISTENING PRACTICE
A silly video about British manners (British English)
THE THEORY: THE WAYS YOU CAN SOFTEN
We use a technique called softening. In this part of the newsletter, I am going to give you some possible ways to soften, ways of beating about the bush, and adapting the way that you speak so that you don’t ruffle any feathers. If you want to speak English well, you have to learn these techniques about how to be diplomatic.
Let’s start by taking a look at giving answers.
Even by saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on their own can sound quite offensive.
-Can you meet at 10 am?
-No.
-Oh! Ok then. Sorry to bother you! (runs off feeling offended!)
As you know, we use short answers to soften the blow with a ‘yes/no’ answer.
-Can you meet at 10 am?
❌ -No, I can’t.
Even that still sounds a little blunt. How about we add something else?:
-Can you meet at 10 am?
✅ -No, I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t.
Ahh. That’s better. I don’t feel quite so nervous or shocked by the answer now.
It’s still a ‘no’ but a nice ‘no’.
Another way to soften what you are saying is to use words like: Actually, to be honest, unfortunately, slightly, bit, quite, or rather
-❌ Can I come to visit you?
-❌ No. (don’t do this!)
-❌ No, it’s late. (or even this!)
-✅ No, I’m afraid it’s late (do this!)
-✅ No, I’m afraid it’s a bit / rather/ quite / late (and do this!)
-❌We have a problem with your work.
✅ Unfortunately, there is a slight problem with your work.
Use a conditional:
-❌ -I want more staff working on the project.
To me, as a Brit, that sounds too demanding. I would soften it by using some form of the conditional:
✅ -I could do with more staff working on the project.
✅ -It would be great to have some more staff working on the project
Another great way to be diplomatic is to use a question! It sounds odd, I know, but…
❌ - I’m not happy with the website! (BOOM! So not diplomatic!)
✅ - Wouldn’t it be a great idea to improve the website?
✅ - Shouldn’t we try to make some slight changes to the website?
✅ -Don’t you think the website is a little old-fashioned? Wouldn’t it be a good idea to…?
You can also use the past continuous tense:
❌ - I want to see the plan (Demanding!)
✅ - I was hoping to be able to see the plan.
✅ - We were wondering if it would be possible to see the plan.
Remember: ‘To be able to’ is also a great ally.
✅ -Would we be able to have a little chat this evening?
Much better than saying: ❌ I want to talk to you.
COMMON IDIOMS & EXPRESSIONS ABOUT BEING DIRECT
* A spade is a shovel - to express what you mean very bluntly and directly
* To mince your words - to speak in an honest direct way not caring if you offend someone
* To beat about the bush- to discuss something but not say it directly / avoid talking about what is important
* To cut to the chase - to get to the point
* To tell it like it is - to describe something honestly without hiding the details
* To ruffle feathers - to upset someone
* To go all around the houses - to explain yourself in a very complicated way giving too many details
BEFORE I GO…
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