养自己啊 by 营养师至卉Molly

May 06, 2026 16.班味儿，是自我磨损的胶皮焦味

在职老狗×读博留子，聊聊那股说不清的疲惫从哪儿来。班味儿到底是什么呢？是上班的"班"，还是更广义的那种"我应该是怎样、可现在变成了另一个样子"的疲惫？

本期主播：

至卉：营养师，住在南京，在职老狗，最近在练习离开办公室就完全不想工作。

翠翠：工科博士生，住在英国，读博留子，正在和那个住在心里的资本家慢慢和解。

录这期的时候，我俩开场互问：「此时此刻，你觉得我有班味儿吗？」结果两个人都说"觉得对方比我好多了"——果然人看自己看别人都是带着滤镜的。

我们慢慢聊到一个让自己有点心惊的点：原来很多时候，不是工作把我们变成了这样，是我们把工作上的行为模式内化成了自己和自己的关系模式。考98分要追问那2分错在哪、努力120%才算努力、苦劳像一种必须缴的税——这些声音从教育体系、原生家庭、文化期待慢慢搬进了我们脑子里，最后我们甚至不需要老板了，自己就能把自己用到力竭。

那这一身班味儿，怎么去？我们没有给出锦囊妙计，只是各自分享了一些笨拙的尝试：去看见那个自我批评的声音，听听它像谁在说话；允许自己什么都不做，比如晒一下午太阳；把"休息"放进必须完成的工作清单里；在内心多攒几个温柔朋友的声音，让它们替换掉那些严苛的声音。

不是关于变得更好，是关于允许自己：专注当下，把自己的感受放在第一位。

希望你听完，能稍微松一口气。

时间轴

Part 1 班味儿到底是个什么味儿？

00:00 此时此刻，你觉得我有班味儿吗？

00:49 衣柜打开全是职业风，连出门玩的衣服都很「正经」

02:09 「我一直处于一种活人微死的状态」

04:53 不修边幅的实习生 vs 朴素却精神的保洁阿姨——班味儿不在外表，在状态

06:09 班味儿是什么：上班这件事让你不再是真实的自己

06:38 这个「班」一定是上班的班吗？读博、做播客算不算？

08:08 「如果你爱上班，那上班就是纵欲，不是自律」

Part 2 同样的人，为什么换了身份还有班味儿？

12:54 压力最大那年，我跑去柏林、奥斯陆，背着电脑工作

14:47 上班4年没像读博这么加班过——博士阶段让我"快死了"

15:39 班味儿到「班癌」：连吃饭、买衣服、睡觉都成了问题

19:33 我自己给自己当资本家，比真老板还狠

23:53 学校是象牙塔？这是一个误解

26:08 职场至少有劳动法和加班费的共识，学术界没有

28:22 老板画饼 vs 学术界画饼：成功就发一篇好论文，失败就是一颗弃子

32:34 血酬：拿心血去换酬劳，但那个酬可能根本就没有

Part 3 看见那个声音，允许自己什么都不做

33:54 工作是为了生活——把工作当组间休息

36:55 「我的休息和充能是必要的，跟工作优先级相同，甚至更高一些」

37:21 毛主席太有智慧了：会休息的人才会工作

39:36 你自我批评时的那个语气，最像谁在说话？

41:25 当你看见山的时候，你就在山之外

42:33 内化温柔朋友的声音，替换掉那些严苛的声音

44:43 一个晒太阳 + 刺绣的下午：什么都没做，但充能很多

47:18 清明假期意外遇到一株网红绣球花的下午

49:12 祛斑味的底层：允许自己专注当下，把自己的体验放在第一位

提到的几个概念

血酬｜出自经济学者吴思的《血酬定律》。我们在节目里用了这个意象——拿身心健康去换那点不一定能拿到的酬劳，初期是班味儿，后期是「班癌」。

会休息的人才会工作｜毛泽东的话。把"休息"和"充能"放进必须完成的工作清单里，而不是工作之后的奖励。

内化的他人 | 心理学里有一脉叫客体关系理论，讲的是我们会把成长中重要他人的声音内化进心里，那个批评你的声音其实经常不是你自己。看见它、给它找到来源，你就和它分开了。

节目里提到的往期单集

🎧EP15 成年人的友谊 | 向深处扎根，往远处生长

我们聊到「成为自己的朋友」「内化朋友的声音作为自我对话模板」这条线，最早是在上一期友谊里展开的。如果想把这一集的"听见严苛声音"这个动作做得更完整，可以一起听。

🎧EP02 驱散焦灼心情的五感着陆小魔法，重新养育幸福力

节目中段提到的「五感着陆」具体方法，详细聊在这一期里。当焦虑感冒出来不知道怎么办，可以参考这一期的小工具。

置顶图片扫码，解锁更多【养自己啊】深度内容

💬 粉丝群 | 节目更新，聊天交流，分享你的“养自己”瞬间

📖 公众号 | 未讲完的故事，主播专栏，文字版陪伴

EP16 Office aura is the smell of rubber burning — your own

A working veteran and a doctoral runaway unpack where that bone-deep tiredness really comes from. Is "office aura" really about going to an office? Or is it something broader — that fatigue of "I should be one kind of person, but somehow I've turned into another"?

Hosts

Zhihui | Nutritionist based in Nanjing, a seasoned workplace veteran, currently practising the radical art of not thinking about work the moment she leaves the office.

Cuicui | Engineering PhD student based in the UK, in her doctoral runaway era, slowly making peace with the inner capitalist who's been living rent-free in her head.

We opened this recording by asking each other: "Right now, do you think I have any office aura on me?" Both of us said some version of "honestly, you look way better off than I am" — turns out we look at ourselves and at each other through completely different filters.

We slowly arrived at a slightly unsettling realisation: a lot of the time, it isn't work that turned us into this. It's that we've internalised the behavioural patterns of work into the relationship between us and ourselves. The voice that asked "where did the other 2 marks go?" when we scored 98 in school. The cultural script that says "you must give 120%". The vague conviction that hard work itself — even unrewarded, even self-destructive — is a kind of tax we owe. These voices crept in from school, from family, from the wider culture, until eventually we didn't need a boss at all. We could exhaust ourselves perfectly fine on our own.

So how do you get the aura off? We didn't come up with a clever framework. We just shared some clumsy attempts: noticing that self-critical voice and asking who it sounds like; allowing ourselves to do nothing — a whole afternoon of sun and embroidery, no productivity required; putting "rest" on the must-do list rather than the reward list; collecting the voices of gentle friends and letting them replace the harsh ones in our heads.

This episode isn't about becoming better. It's about giving ourselves permission — to stay present, and to put our own felt experience first.

We hope you finish listening with a small sigh of relief.

Timestamps

Part 1 What does this "office aura" actually feel like?

00:00 Right now, do you think I have any office aura on me?

00:49 Opening her wardrobe and finding nothing but office wear — even the travel clothes look formal

02:09 "I've been living in a kind of half-dead state for a while"

04:53 A scruffy intern vs a beaming cleaner — office aura isn't about how you dress, it's about your state

06:09 Defining it: office aura is when work has stopped you from being your real self

06:38 Does it have to be an actual office? What about a PhD, or running a podcast?

08:08 "If you love exercising, daily workouts are indulgence, not discipline. If you love working, work is indulgence, not discipline."

Part 2 Same person, different role — why is the aura still there?

12:54 The year I was most stressed, I flew to Berlin and Oslo and worked from there

14:47 Four years in the workplace and I never overworked like this — the PhD nearly killed me

15:39 From "office aura" to "office cancer": eating, sleeping, even buying clothes became problems

19:33 I became my own capitalist — and turned out to be far crueller than any boss I'd had

23:53 "The university is an ivory tower" — turns out that's a misconception

26:08 Workplaces at least have labour laws and overtime norms. Academia has neither.

28:22 Bosses dangling carrots vs academia dangling carrots: succeed and you publish a great paper, fail and you're a discarded pawn

32:34 Xue chou — trading your blood for wages, except the wages might never come

Part 3 See the voice. Allow yourself to do nothing.

33:54 Work is for living — treat work as an interval rest between the things that actually matter

36:55 "Rest and recharging are necessary. They have the same priority as work, possibly higher."

37:21 Mao got it right: only those who know how to rest know how to work

39:36 When you criticise yourself, whose voice does it sound most like?

41:25 When you can see the mountain, you're already outside it

42:33 Internalise the voices of your gentle friends — let them replace the harsh ones

44:43 An afternoon of sun and embroidery: did nothing, recharged enormously

47:18 Stumbling into a famous hydrangea bush during an unplanned Qingming holiday

49:12 The bedrock of getting the aura off: allow yourself to be fully present, and put your own felt experience first

Concepts mentioned

Xue chou (血酬) | From Wu Si's economic study The Law of Xue Chou. We borrowed the imagery: trading your physical and mental health for compensation that may never arrive. The early stage is "office aura"; the late stage is what we jokingly call "office cancer".

"Only those who know how to rest know how to work" | Mao Zedong. Put rest and recharging on your must-do list, not your reward-after-work list.

The internalised other | There's a strand of psychology called Object Relations Theory — it describes how we take in the voices of significant people from our upbringing and house them inside ourselves. The voice criticising you is often not actually you. See it, name its source, and you've already separated from it.

Past episodes referenced in this one

🎧 EP15 Adult friendships | Rooted in depth, reaching into the distance The thread we pulled on here — "becoming your own friend", "internalising friends' voices as a template for self-talk" — was first opened up in our last episode on friendship. If you want to take this episode's act of "hearing the harsh voice" further, listen to that one alongside.

🎧 EP02 Five-sense grounding: a small piece of magic for dispelling anxiety, and re-parenting your capacity for joy The "five-sense grounding" technique mentioned mid-episode is unpacked properly there. When anxiety surges and you don't know what to do, that's the episode for the practical toolkit.

If you have your own version of office aura, or your own clumsy ways of getting it off, do drop us a comment. You're also welcome to scan in and join our listener group to keep the conversation going.

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