Ultimately, we can't have connection with our partner unless we feel safe. Yet often the things that we do to make ourselves feel safe are the things that push our partner farther away. Like storming out of the room in the middle of an argument. Or gossiping to other people, when you need validation that you're right and your partner's wrong. Or emotionally shutting down and withdrawing, when you feel blamed, judged, or like you've screwed up. It kind of makes love feel like this Catch 22. You can have safety at the expense of connection, or you can have connection at the expense of safety.