After Boxing Day defeat at Anfield, can Manchester United get things back on track? They can, steamrollering the Londoners to such an extent that David O’Leary gets wheeled off on a hospital trolley by Don Howe for what turns out to be no more than a sprained ankle. He’s well out of it. Elsewhere Gerald Sinstadt declares that Pat Jennings has hands like spades – buckets, surely Gerald?

Manchester City head to the Goldstone Ground, or possibly the beach at Brighton given the amount of sand on the pitch. Buckets and spades – there’s Pat Jennings again – are still being unpacked as City go behind after 36 seconds. Joe Corrigan saves a Peter Ward volley with his chin – chin like a shovel? – but City can stem the Brighton tide. Romark rejoices.

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On to Old Trafford – yes, really – for the 1970 FA Cup final replay and Chelsea and Leeds are about to produce another game for the ages, one of the most enduring cup finals of all time, while simultaneously doubling as a useful handbook on guerilla warfare.

Steven Scragg and Dave Bowler take you through the game and do work of vital national importance by concluding how we can return the Elgin Marbles, yet still be a country with a greater cultural bank balance.

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At the midway game of the season, Trevor Whymark becomes the 26th [twenty-sixth] player to represent Derby County that season. No wonder they’re struggling. Yet within the first minute, Roger Davies has put a somewhat soft penalty past Ray Clemence, 1-0 Derby.

Have they scored too early? Have a guess…

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“The Slum Sport’ tells football’s story of 1985/86.

This was the season of the Heysel ban, a TV blackout, half-empty grounds, a thrilling three-way title dice, tragedy on the touchline, controversial stadium-sharing proposals, a League and Cup double, the first seeds of a Super League, and so much more.

‘The Slum Sport’ author Chris Lepkowski joins Steven Scragg and Gary Thacker to pore over a season of total readjustment following the disasters of the previous campaign.

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So here it is, merry Christmas, and where better to celebrate than Goodison Park?

Referee Mr. Gwyn Owen is full of the Christmas spirit, dispensing season’s greetings to the captains before the game and catapulting himself straight into our Hall of Fame, along with his linesman, Mr. Funnel, who inadvertently inspires a cartoon series for Roger Hargreaves.

In a game that gives average a bad name, Gary Stanley starts the gift giving early with a gorgeous through ball into the path of opponent Steve Daley to score, Daley celebrating in cathartic fashion by leaping onto the advertising hoardings and pumping the fists, like Caesar inciting an ape uprising.

Sounds of disgruntlement roll around Goodison Park as Everton fall two behind, with Romark missing in action with a turkey baster.

Elsewhere, Stanley Bowles makes his debut as Nottingham Forest go to Old Trafford having lost five away games in a row. After 23 minutes, it’s clear that Forest are going to endure their sixth defeat. Kenny Burns, fetchingly clad in all yellow, kicks Lou Macari up the backside, but can’t prevent him flicking on for Joe Jordan to accelerate past Larry Lloyd in an outtake from Jurassic Park, before shooting past Peter Shilton who goes down like he has arthritis. It all sets the tone for another grim afternoon for Brian Clough’s men.

Merry Christmas, happy new year, meet my linesman.

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In ‘Diamonds in the Rough’, author Joseph Pope adds to the Your Boys Took a Hell of a Beating library with the stories behind English football's most meteoric personal rises, exploring the journeys taken by players from non-league to the very top of the game, including World Cup winners and Premier League champions.

Steven Scragg meanwhile, takes renewed hope that he might still be able to break into league football yet. It's never too late... Ahem.

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Chelsea again? Is Brian Moore seated in his penthouse flat, overlooking the Bridge, commentating from in front of the fire, using a pair of binoculars? Surely we should be told.

The Goon Show provides referee Gilbert Napthine, the cavernous Stamford Bridge offers scope for a car boot sale, and a football match breaks out. During the course of it, Swansea goalkeeper Brian Letheren forces his way into the YBTAHOAB Hall of Fame with some majestic examples of the custodian’s art. But not in a good way. Half man, half orienteer.

Then we have Newcastle United v QPR. A fine game pales into insignificance as Peter Withe tries to tackle a dog. The RSPCA take the wrong one away, but the hound has already changed the course of the game. More important, we have a substitute wearing number 14. Why? Gilbert Napthine wouldn’t have allowed it.

And finally, Romark goes into the chicken in a basket business with Bob Monkhouse.

Thanks for reading YourBoysTookAHellOfABeating’s Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

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From champions of Europe to sliding into the Second Division in five short years, despite signing a string of high profile players and swooping for Manchester City boss, Billy McNeill, a Celtic legend and leader of the Lisbon Lions.

Graham Taylor was the man to pick up the broken pieces at Villa Park in the summer of 1987, to begin the job of dragging a comatose giant back into the First Division in 1987/88.

Ivan McDouall makes his Your Boys Took a Hell of a Beating debut, while Steven Scragg sails the claret and blue ship to calmer waters. Warren Aspinall is the unlikely hero...

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Just a week after Palace skipper Jim Cannon proclaimed that they could win the league, they face the acid test at Anfield - and sadly, not even Gaviscon can help them as Liverpool produce a performance that says, “Oh no you can’t”.

Terry Venables goes on a typical charm offensive, clad in red cardigan as he arrives at Anfield, but as Kenny Dalglish defies the laws of physics, El-Tel-to-be suffers that sinking feeling.

Genuine title contenders Manchester United head for Highfield Road to take on Coventry City, Gary Bailey succumbing to the need for goalkeeping gloves at last. Amongst other delights, we find that commentator Hugh Johns is an early adopter of the phrase ‘early doors.’

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Our 1970s teachings begin with a book of learning that brings you everything you needed to know about each of the decade’s FA Cup finals.

We start at Wembley, where there’s barely a blade of grass to be seen as Leeds United and Chelsea join battle in a final that sets the tone for the rest of a golden decade in the FA Cup.

Steven Scragg and Dave Bowler take you through a truly magnificent 120 minutes of football and ask the eternal question: What would Norman Hunter make of pickle juice?

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