The word 'סָרִיס' ('saris') refers in the Mishnah to someone who was assigned male at birth but later becomes female.

I've struggled with my gender identity all my life. I first came out as genderfluid when I was 14, and then as a trans girl at around 16. I only started transitioning last year.

This song is about those struggles, including some very stupid things I've done, and I hope and pray that others who struggle with gender dysphoria—whether they be boys or girls or anything in between or outside—are helped by this song.

St. Anastasia the Patrician, pray for all transgender and gender nonconforming people that we all may be accepted and find peace with ourselves.

•

Lyrics:

I ask myself every day:

'Am I wearing a mask for a play?

And is the mask of a girl or a boy?'

This agony gives me no joy.

It's a question of my heart:

'Shall I stay or should I restart?'

So many broken years,

so many needless tears.

As they call me to harm,

I'm bleeding from my arm.

Red like roses, these scars

will meet in falling stars.

I wear a masculine mask

and to wear it is quite a task,

for I am a lady beneath,

and soon I will unsheathe.

Shame and doubt plague my soul

and confusion takes its toll.

Trapped in my very own flesh,

what am I but a wretch?

I dressed as a girl when I was alone

as if I was to atone

for the dissonance in my mind.

How could I have been so blind?

Who I am I still can't tell,

but I know I'm climbing out of this hell

to live as the lady I was born to be:

winged, unconfined, boundless, and free.

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, guitar, production, lyrics, composition

'We have created God in order to save the Universe from nothingness, for all that is not consciousness and eternal consciousness, conscious of its eternity and eternally conscious, is nothing more than appearance. There is nothing truly real save that which feels, suffers, pities, loves, and desires, save consciousness; there is nothing substantial but consciousness. And we need God in order to save consciousness; not in order to think existence, but in order to live it; not in order to know the why and how of it, but in order to feel the wherefore of it. Love is a contradiction if there is no God.'

—Miguel de Unamuno

•

Lyrics:

I'm so very, very tired, I'm hallucinating bugs.

I'm having little microsleeps and when I do,

I'm thinking, thinking, no, I'm dreaming—I'm dreaming about you.

Remembering when we hugged when you left,

hoping we can kiss each other's cheeks again.

Even though you live across the pond,

I am very sure that I am very fond

of you…

of you…

of you…

of you…

You care for me, you counselled me

when I was seriously gonna do

some stupid self-destructive things

like that, yeah, I had some stupid thoughts.

I'm so damn glad you were my partner

even though we decided to leave each other.

That was probably for the best, but still

I'm very very glad that we're good friends.

Love

is a very strange thing.

I really believe that it's the fundamental

kind of energy in the Universe—of being, you know?

Because, like, Christ is the ground of being,

the Ungrund is what Böhme called Him, and,

and Christ is God, and '[h]e who does not love,

does not know God; for God is love.'

—1 John 4:8, Lamsa

'Like the angels in Heaven above,

who praise You from up in the heights,

we, the pitiful sinners below,

offer You praise, as is right.

we, the pitiful sinners below,

offer You praise, as is right.

'Glory to God in the highest;

peace and repose on the Earth.

Good will for humanity at all times,

from winter's death to spring's birth.

Good will for humanity at all times,

from winter's death to spring's birth.

'Lamb of God, Who removes

the sins of the world, bring us grace.

Have compassion on us and be gracious to all,

have our sins and our failures erased.

Have compassion on us and be gracious to all,

have our sins and our failures erased.'

—St. Athanasius

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, production, guitar, synths, lyrics, composition

• St. Athanasius

——lyrics (sixth, seventh, and eighth verses)

'History is a tissue of base and cruel acts in the midst of which a few drops of purity sparkle at long intervals.'

—Simone Weil, 'The Need for Roots'

'And all the time—such is the tragi-comedy of our situation—we continue to clamour for those very qualities we are rendering impossible. You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that what our civilisation needs is more "drive", or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or "creativity". In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.'

—C. S. Lewis, 'The Abolition of Man'

Late capitalism has produced masses of uprooted people without moral fibre, with little conscience. Communities have fallen apart. Trust has all but evaporated. Millions of human beings, deprived of meaning in their lives, have filled the holes in their hearts with drugs, alcohol, and mindless entertainment. Billions sacrifice themselves and their children to Mammon in return for a fraction of what they produce. Education is no longer about training both heart and mind, but training the child to be a complacent worker with no aspirations, with no thymos.

And yet some dare to make chests for themselves, to learn compassion, to strive for their fellow human beings. These people will lead the future.

•

Lyrics:

Saw a homeless guy and gave him a sandwich.

He refused but I insisted; he thanked me profusely.

Snow on the ground—wondering if he was too cold;

hope he's all right now, seemed like a pretty nice guy.

Good old fashioned תִקוּן עוֹלָם, putting it back together

piece by piece. It's kinda rare to see these days:

person-to-person, neighbour-to-neighbour.

Found some war crimes, downloaded the footage,

got court-martialed; seven years being tortured.

People calling me a traitor—what'd I do wrong?

The president hates me and orders more missile strikes.

War crime after war crime, no justice, no peace,

black and brown people slaughtered in the streets.

Protecting what? Property. Serving what? Capital.

Maybe, just maybe, it was a joke from the beginning,

starting from genocide, doing nothing about genocide.

Men without chests in the halls of power.

Pray to Jesus something might change, maybe…

Seems like a farce to me. That glimmer of hope

just keeps on fading, fading away from sight.

'You must love your neighbour as yourself.'

—Mark 12:31, Lamsa

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, production, guitar, synths, lyrics, composition

'Every one of those unfortunates during the process of existence should constantly sense and be cognisant of the inevitability of his own death as well as of the death of everyone upon whom his eyes or attention rests.'

—G. I. Gurdjieff

'The heights of the spirit can only be climbed by passing through the portals of humility. You can only acquire right knowledge when you have learnt to esteem it. Man has certainly the right to turn his eyes to the light, but he must first acquire this right.'

—Rudolf Steiner

A journey through my inner being, through sadness and grief and pain and, mingled with them all, joy.

Evagrius Ponticus said: 'Happy is the man who thinks himself no better than dirt.' Despite my hatred and anger toward myself, I definitely think of myself as better than dirt. Indeed, that self-contempt feeds into my ego; why would dirt care about being better than what it is?

I am still learning to transmute my negative emotions into ἀγάπη, which is difficult, but I shall persevere, God willing.

•

Lyrics:

[SOMEHOW TOO LONG TO POST HERE, SORRY]

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, production, guitar, synths, lyrics, composition

• Karl Marx

——lyrics (Movement IV)

• Clemens Dutt

——translation (Movement IV)

Panic, anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and doubt have plagued my life as far as I can remember. They follow me wherever I go. With others and alone, speaking and silent. And like some unspeakable horror, it encroaches upon me.

•

Lyrics:

There is no refuge in the vineyard of the Lᴏʀᴅ.

There is no fleeing to the kingdom of Annwfn.

She told me to find and embrace it all around me,

but as I reach out it withdraws from my grasp.

Even the almighty Sun has moths flying into it.

Clanging clanging forward on without ܪܘܼܚܵܐ

withdrawn from the שְׁכִינָה

it finds me again

it finds me again and again

—there is no place I can hide

—there is no place I can run

If I escape to the ends of the Earth its

face will greet me there.

If I flee out to the blackness between the stars

I will be found yet again.

If I run into my lover's arms there it will be in

his eyes in her smile

Everywhere it is falling falling down upon me

nowhere at no place can I breathe can I stand

It is not a cold fire that may comfort me.

It is not a warm ocean that may sustain me.

It is not a living thing but it is not dead—

being neither, it is omnipresent, hidden from my sight.

אֵלֵךְ בְּגֵיא צַלְמָוֶת

and yet there is no comfort, for I am another

schizo out on a stroll

yet I see no living things, but deadest trees

and rotting houses, crumbling sidewalks,

and I run, I run run run to the end of the road

just to see a billboard, undead, with its face moving—

I live not, though I cannot die.

If others have been unstuck in time, then I may be

the first to be unstuck in Being

suffocated and delirious, falling down down toward nihil

and if I reach

if I grasp

if I try to embrace

it all withdraws

for it all is nihil

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, synths, production, lyrics, composition

This is the song that was written for democratic socialist Salvador Allende's campaign for President of Chile in 1970.

As Chilean society broke down in the months before the coup, 'Venceremos' became the unofficial national anthem.

The great Chilean folk singer Victor Jara wrote different lyrics for the song referring directly to Allende's 'Unidad Popular' coalition.

After days of brutal torture and just before he was murdered in cold blood by the soldiers of fascist dictator Augusto Pinochet, who had imprisoned him and thousands of others in a stadium turned into a concentration camp for the 1973 coup against Allende, Victor Jara sang 'Venceremos' as a last act of defiance.

As such, this rendition of the song is dedicated to Victor Jara and to all who died under fascism, to all who fought fascism, to all victims of capitalism.

Hasta la victoria, siempre.

•

Lyrics:

Desde el hondo crisol de la tierra

se levanta el clamor popular.

Ya se anuncia la nueva alborada,

todo el mundo comienza a cantar.

Recordando al soldado valiente,

cuyo ejemplo lo hiciera inmortal,

enfrentemos primero a la muerte,

traicionar al pueblo jamás.

Venceremos, venceremos,

mil cadenas habrá que romper,

venceremos, venceremos,

el fascismo sabremos vencer.

Venceremos, venceremos,

mil cadenas habrá que romper,

venceremos, venceremos,

el fascismo sabremos vencer.

Campesinos, soldados, mineros,

las mujeres del mundo también,

estudiantes, empleados y obreros,

cumpliremos con nuestro deber.

Sembraremos las tierras de gloria,

socialista será el porvenir.

Todos juntos seremos la historia,

A cumplir, A cumplir, A cumplir.

Venceremos, venceremos,

mil cadenas habrá que romper,

venceremos, venceremos,

la miseria sabremos vencer.

Venceremos, venceremos,

mil cadenas habrá que romper,

venceremos, venceremos,

la miseria sabremos vencer.

English:

From the deep crucible of the world,

the people's voices rise up.

A new dawn comes over the horizon.

All the world breaks out in song.

In remembrance of the courageous warrior

whose example has made him immortal,

we shall confront death

before we would betray our people.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome!

A thousand chains we'll have to break, but

we shall overcome, we shall overcome!

We know we can overcome fascism.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome!

A thousand chains we'll have to break, but

we shall overcome, we shall overcome!

We know we can overcome fascism.

Peasants, soldiers, miners,

and the women of the world as well,

students, workers, white-collar and blue,

we will do our duty.

We'll sow the land with glory.

Socialism will be our future.

With all together, history

we shall fulfil, we shall fulfil, we shall fulfil.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome!

A thousand chains we'll have to break, but

we shall overcome, we shall overcome!

We know we can overcome suffering.

We shall overcome, we shall overcome!

A thousand chains we'll have to break, but

we shall overcome, we shall overcome!

We know we can overcome suffering.

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, production, guitar, modified lyrics, modified translation

• Claudio Iturra

——original lyrics

• Sergio Ortega

——composition

• Élise Hendrick

——original English translation

'[Her] vocals are a bit distant. But it's eerie that way.

'It seem[s] like the sorta song you'd hear at the end of a party when you're stoned and drunk and everybody you know is long gone. It's that song you hear when you realize you're alone at 3 a.m. and everyone is passed out but you.

'If it was in the soundtrack to a movie it would show the protagonist trying to get home on rainy streets and finally making it to his or her empty apartment and sitting at the window looking pensive. Something needs to change.'

—Douglas Lain, publisher of Zero Books

In memory of Mark Fisher (1968-2017), whose theory inspired this song and whose tastes mirrored my own. May he see the great future whose death he saw alive in the World to Come.

•

Lyrics:

We were promised many great things,

but we were never told what the future brings.

How shall we ever reclaim the light

when the whole world is shrouded in hellish night?

I am seeking shelter, but there is no escape

from this deracinated world without shape.

I am a nomad, bereft of territory,

but wherever I look, I can find no glory.

Slowly, slowly, the future is cancelled,

never to come, never to pass.

The world we know has been dismantled,

and all that remains is but vaporous gas.

The land is haunted by spectres of the past,

for we know that nothing can ever last.

All is flux—all is but a process:

everything is fated to someday evanesce.

Our memories give us but little solace

when a life of awe has become aweless.

The world was once all that is the case,

but is now overtaken with empty space.

Slower and slower, the world keeps turning

toward void—toward nothingness.

The embers of life will finish burning—

but we still yearn to combiness.

Beyond that, it's all a mess.

We are trapped in an endless loop of time

to lose the 'I' for the 'me'.

The Last Man is dragged through the slime,

slowly losing his Will to Be—

Shantih shantih shantih

Slowly, slowly, the future is cancelled,

never to come, never to pass.

The world we know has been dismantled,

and all that remains is but vaporous gas.

Slowly, slowly, the future is cancelled,

never to come, never to pass.

The world we know has been dismantled,

and all that remains is but vaporous gas.

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, guitar, production, lyrics, composition

A very personal song for me, this recounts how I was raped as a child, my feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and pain that I've had ever since, and the debilitating effects of that trauma—nightmares, psychoses, depression—on my life.

A song that I wrote not merely to express my rage and sadness, but for my own healing, and hopefully for others who've had to experience similar horrors to my own.

St. Agnes of Rome, helper of rape survivors, pray for us and protect us that no one should endure sexual violence again. Amen.

•

Lyrics:

I dreamt about a young December

(when I was just a child; not much to remember).

Everything was peaceful, calm, and kind

(the darkness came upon me and corrupted my young mind).

The world has greyed over the years

(all the things I feel have been blackened by my tears).

The child was held down to the table

(you will never know what it's like to feel stable).

I force a smile as I weep inside

(someone tell the world that the child has died).

I turn to stone; my spirit's numb

(someone tell the only Emperor that I'm cold and dumb).

And here I find myself stranded and alone,

knowing things that no one deserves to have known.

I want it to be over, I just want it to end,

but I keep thinking about it againagainagain—

there is no other option, it will end with me dead.

Lay roses on my grave, lay roses bloody red.

Dear God, there's nowhere else to go

(here I am right now, buried in the snow).

There is no path that I can follow

(be a good small boy, hurry up and swallow).

There is no way I can escape

(feel yourself bleed out as you lie in fields of rape).

There is no one to hear my call

(writhing in your sleep as you remember your own fall).

No one will hear me as I scream

(you remember all your nightmares as they replace your dreams).

I'll just give in to my own destruction

(sometimes it all comes back in a violent eruption).

And here I find myself stranded and alone,

knowing things that no one deserves to have known.

I want it to be over, I just want it to end,

but I keep thinking about it againagainagain—

there is no other option, it will end with me dead.

Lay roses on my grave, lay roses bloody red.

My face is torn by flaming tears

(look, how pathetic, she's clinging to her fears).

I lay me in my bed without a breath

(surely she is ill with a sickness unto death).

I can't understand why it was me

(it really gives you a sense of life as tragedy).

And I slip the knife under my pillow

(the dagger is stained with blood underneath the willow).

I swallow a hundred and go to bed

(your ears are ringing loud and everything's stained red).

My soul was trapped while I was ravished.

(Who the fuck am I to be smiling as I'm savaged?)

And here I find myself stranded and alone,

knowing things that no one deserves to have known.

I want it to be over, I just want it to end,

but I keep thinking about it againagainagain—

there is no other option, it will end with me dead.

Lay roses on my grave, lay roses bloody red.

There is no other option, it will end with me dead.

Lay roses on my grave, lay roses bloody red.

There is no other option, it will end with me dead.

Lay roses on my grave, lay roses bloody red.

Lay roses on my grave, lay roses bloody red.

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, guitar, production, lyrics, composition

'And the seventh angel sounded, and there were great sounds of thunders, saying, The kingdoms of this world have become the Kingdom of our Lord, and of His Christ; and He shall reign for ever and ever.'

—Revelation 11:15 (Lamsa)

'AND I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away; and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a great voice from heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, and the very God shall be with them, and be their God; and He shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor wailing, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things have passed away. And He who sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new.'

—Revelation 21:1-5 (Lamsa)

•

Lyrics:

The whole world gasps as it sees the mess:

The briefcase is opened, the button is pressed.

In the blink of an eye, the Earth will be aflame.

We will all go together, we will all go the same.

𐬀𐬴𐬆𐬨 𐬬𐬊𐬵𐬏 𐬬𐬀𐬵𐬌𐬱𐬙𐬆𐬨 𐬀𐬯𐬙𐬍,

but righteousness is lacking, and the nasty

and the false have their flags all unfurled.

Ahriman is cackling as fear grips the world.

Ahriman is cackling as fear grips the world.

Let the waters of life dry up and commence

the dissolution of all human pretence.

Mothers cry out as their children die

from napalm and bombs falling out of the sky.

The Antichrist seals a pact with each nation

and declares the entire world his station.

It's the beginning of the end for the human race:

ܛܲܢܦܘܼܬܵ‌ܐ ܕܚܵܪܵܒܵܐ is in the holy place.

ܛܲܢܦܘܼܬܵ‌ܐ ܕܚܵܪܵܒܵܐ is in the holy place.

And I have retreated to my little house.

The telly blares as the newscasters announce

a financial collapse and declarations of war.

I lean back in my chair; I'm feeling sore.

As images of death play across the screen,

I drink a little wine from my old canteen.

And I pray a Collect for the hope of the world,

yet the banner of Death has been unfurled.

Yet the banner of Death has been unfurled.

If only I had never even been born,

I would never have been abused and torn

apart by trauma and by insanity.

I would never have wept for my humanity.

I would never have mourned my dead and gone,

I would never have stood before Babylon.

I would never have comforted my ailing friends.

I would never have had to make amends.

I would never have had to make amends.

As I ruminate alone, all weak and weary,

the atmosphere turns from sad to eerie.

A voice I hear—it cries from the desert,

the voice of a prophet of joy and hurt.

'Prepare ye the way of the Lord,' he calls.

As I jump from my chair, I nearly fall,

but I rush upstairs and I look outside,

and I see the glory of God worldwide.

And I see the glory of God worldwide.

I see Him coming from atop my little spire;

He descends triumphant in wind and fire

from clouds parting like the Sea of Reeds.

He brings with Him a bag of seeds

and sows them across all the lands of the Earth,

making it new. It is the world's rebirth!

הַעוֹלָם הַזֶּ֗ה has passed; הַעוֹלָם הַבָּא has arrived!

Heaven and Earth have merged alive!

Heaven and Earth have merged alive!

Climbing out and then breaking Hell's jaws!

Committing crimes against the accepted laws!

Stealing and giving out all ill-gotten wealth!

Spitting in the face even of the Devil himself!

Ripping apart the very veil of night!

As the dawn approaches and we start to see the light,

a voice calls out like lightning and thunder:

'The idols have been cast down and rent asunder!

The idols have been cast down and rent asunder!'

•

Credits:

• Evangeline Sutherland

——vocals, production, guitar, synths, lyrics, composition