KAREN GEIER is cookin' in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS JOY and: Rap game gingerbread ... Affected by Christmas on a German level ... Caganer: The Catalan pooping figurine ... I got a capon guy ... "Do y'all eat loons?" ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... What's sexier than a widower? ... Ersatz America without flavor ... A sorority recruitment video, but for marriage ... Department store in a train station ... An absence of egregious lines ... Spot the Angel: The Primum Mobile Aunt; rainmaking department store owner; Ben, a welter of self-abnegation ... Omnipresent stalker material ... Eat Your Heart Out: Insane ingredient list, barrels of milk, La Mansione, non-functional log kitchen, "Dirty Cookies," unclear about the terms of the cookie crawl, thawing cookies in a snow-covered barn, amazing Kitchen Aid mixer guy, communal labor ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Rocky Mountains of Georgia, Cartwright's vs. Weatherton's, a Lacey Chabert joint ... Overdetermined: Insane quit at the embarrassing gala showdown; 99 percent of city life is insanely boring; we here in small towns live in small towns; still "hitched" to being in Crystal Falls ... Crossover: Joy as a Scandinavian homicide cop vs. an Unseen Anne Hathaway movie vs. the gritty reboot of CITY WIFE ... Christmas in hospitals is terrible ... Doing Christmas drugs ... Wife absorbed alive by house ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: The "Wonderfold" Christmas diorama; conspicuous iPhone/MacBook placements; Southern Living cover shot; Balsam Hill Christmas ornaments; crappy-ass mosaic ornament ... German motivational abuse ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Insanely restrictive gingerbread competition ... Gettin' that d-ring binder ... Love letter to retail ... Prop master's mom photo ... WEAR A HAIRNET ... Mrs. Weatherton's paying for lies ... I love Gabrielle Rose, and one day we'll be together ... Cyber is the future ... "Love Actually" as the ultimate Hallmark movie ... Carolina Panthers Stadium in gingerbread ... RATING: 3, leaning higher ... MyDang.Kitchen ... Fight against recipes prefaced with personal stories ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Tit for Tat "Ain't No Taking Back" by James Brown • "Tears" by Giorgio Moroder • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CLICK HERE FOR STILLS WE DISCUSSED FROM THE MOVIE.