Grab your chopsticks, it's won-ton soup time in 2016's THE MISTLETOE PROMISE, which vows: A frozen contract-honoring stupor ... THEME ... Centered-font intra-family legal brief ... Acknowledging the D-word ... We liked it! ... Real-life banter ... Anti-Andie MacDowell ... Is this something stupid you're doing? ... BREAK ... Doing it live: The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup: The Reindeer Report, disadvantaged kid travel, negging assistant, buddy Holly, angelic office assistant, lawyer sabotage, "I also know a cop" ... Adventures in the food court ... New York Fries, Boston Pizza, Boston Louts, Brahmin Pizza ... Mariachi carolers ... Figgy Pudding ... Corn Dog 7 ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angels! ... Classic Lines: Jaime King looks terrific in everything; Audrey Hepburn nun; Clinton/Starfleet collar; costume diamonds/coffee sweetener; Luke Macfarlane's tie four inches above the belt; Stargate/Hallmark overlap; don't put Christmas trees on your overcoat ... Eat Your Heart Out: Won-ton soup with pickles; nipples of Venus; normal party; You Can't Duck Sauce on Television; champagne and hot-chocolate; kids watching adults for fun; The Sucky Plumber; champagne and candy canes; Skull and Bones; no one who chews Big Red could be bad ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Charity travel for low-tier Hallmark characters vs. Empire State hotel and running into Alicia Witt at the nut cart on an empty NYC street ... Overdetermined: Perhaps not overdetermined at all vs. rejecting Nick's kiss attempt ... Crossover: Bendini, Lambert and Locke vs. Richard Paul Evans' bleak and horrifying original novel of multiple vehicle fatalities ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Product placement assumed but not confirmed ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: A single person surrounded by satellites of man-obsession ... Partner Chat: The heads-I-win-tails-you-lose of the breadwinner/caretaker dichotomy expressed via who can be a romantic dumbass in the office; Jamie King's compelling life story; Hallmark's infantilizing expressions of female strength; "This is bananas"; the Ebert theory of judging by the movie's aim ... The Leftovers: Christmas tree landing ... Canadian interiors ... "Eccrou" ... Captain D's ... Santa fakeout ... Never selfie with ex-models ... The Ethics Crusader's ethics indifference ... Backseat skepticism ... Lochlyn Munro: Lesser Busey ... White Chicks ... Rating: 4 ... Champagne reprieve ... We're making duck! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Let's Go to the Mall," from How I Met Your Mother, performed by Cobie "Robin Sparkles" Smulders • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane