We regret with 2019's SNOWCOMING and: SnowComing explanation ... The second-chance high school dance ... Wistful, near The Running Man ... Hey, I'm trying to finger somebody! ... THEME ... Jane Wiedlin Thrashing on a BMX ... Letter from Santa: "Joe Theismann is in it" ... Larry Csonka ... Back-to-back Heisman Trophy runners-up ... Alicia Witt's Heisman ceremony ... Ed Marinaro and Jim Plunkett shout-outs ... Dave didn't dislike it ... ART THOU BOTOWN reprise ... The Expositional Challenge: 97 seconds ... Life just happens at Samantha ... How old are these people? ... Who are Jake Gillette's quarterback comps? ... Jake the Snake ... Jay Cutler as any Hallmark leading man ... No smoking in Hallmark ... Extremely short football toss ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Coach Kerrigan, surrogate dad? ... Ed Marinaro as Joey Buttafuoco ... Old Comedy Central ads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jake, cookbook reader; more appetizing than most Hallmark food; disarmingly untouched salad; "Bonkers for Brussels Sprouts!"; a non-compelling arc; a citywide celebration of ambivalence; uncomfortable Joe Paterno resemblance; Peter DeLuise joint; soup as a metaphor; big-boil soup; food literate; tasting duo for Padma Lakshmi; the realest sh*t that's been in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wistful Literate Mountain Sports Town, Colorado, and The Eric Mabius's Ass Universe vs. Hallmark Pan-Sports "Field of Dreams" Field for Emotional Orphans and Chris Klein's "A Haunting of Dads" ... Overdetermined: Waiting for SnowComing vs. I Will Exploit Your Agony ... Main character as fifth-act villain ... BREAK ... Crossover: Hallmark Channel's The Wicker Man vs. Jerry Maguire with Concussions ... Peter King's cap implications for Jake Gillette ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... NPR pledge drive ... The Leftovers: New football coach, P.E. coach and health teacher, with zero experience ... Principal Case Keenum and Superintendent Jay Schroeder ... "I got a degree" ... Theismann fourth-wall callback ... Joe Theismann Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Scarf-spendthrift ... Unsecured campus ... "The snow at the game is clearly fake" ... Whistler, reprise ... Sage Abernathy: "F*ck to Pride and Prejudice!" ... Sage Rosenfels ... "As to a lover... Coach" ... Replace the mom ... Wordless pendant application ... Incredibly normal almost-kisses ... Treehouse exit ... Outdoor fire pit ... "I feel so savory" ... RATING: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Buttafuoco Song," by Marvin Rosenberg • "Hill Street Blues Theme" by Mike Post • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane