SARA KATE WILKINSON meets THE CONVENIENT GROOM (2016) only to fall in love with: Our best friend Phylis ... THEME ... Dave is off tanning ... Fake spouses, a favorite thing ... Shakespeare tropes ... The Expositional Challenge ... Stone b*tch fake mother-in-law ... First-act cheater ... Confessing during technical difficulties ... Twentysomething with teen hairstyle love ... Mr. Lorelai Gilmore ... When we started liking it ... Vanessa Marcil Appreciation Station ... David Sutcliffe, delightfully in his sweet spot ... Rounding out the other characters ... Phylis, and a family of Canadian flashback TV show guests ... Larissa Albuquerque ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero ... Journalismism: Vlogger, not blogger; tripod videographer; this is not how book deals work; Pam, clueless; reply in comments; women watching vlogs in public spaces; Dr. Kate Lawrence, Ph.D. ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: A TON of food; 3 first-date red flags callback; staircase torment; FISH vs. HAM; inexplicable dinner; happy-face waffle; curry is awesome; 14 plums; housing unripe fruit; unidentifiable chicken roll; suspicious dietary restrictions; wedding charcuterie plate; close your mouth when you chew; takeout bailout ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: While You Were Sleeping echoes vs. A Pacific Northwest boating fatality ... LINK: Egregious home architecture ... You can't do blue material on a billiard table ... Overdetermined: None; getting choked up by a Hallmark movie; everything you've said about love is wrong; "mother-daughter talk"; bizarre giggling, Objectivist scoffing; bad bird sculpture; no explanation to be believed; married today ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A technical success that works anyway ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pam, a valueless automaton ... Rating: 4.5 ... Almost perfect, apart from the books and the mom ... The Leftovers: Pleasantly reading during TV time ... Are You Afraid of the Badge ... Chilling at home ... Keep Fuckin' That Chicken Files: Faux puns, phone seizure ... "You were with Bryan because you had no reason not to be" ... Be nice, internet people are brutal ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Speaking from the Heart," by Macho Man Randy Savage • The Newlywed Game Theme (1969) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane