We close our eyes to PICTURE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2019) and see: Honkey Grandma be trippin' ... THEME ... Hello again to the AI horse ... Two good leads, one frictionless movie and one maximally shoplifted pootie ... Merritt Patterson and Jon Cor Appreciation Station ... Desi Jedeikin shout-out ... Authentic trauma ... Bad parenting, out-of-control moppeting ... David Brooks Castigation Station ... BREAK ... Neurotic vamping ... Plot in one sentence ... Stay in your lane, gramma ... Plot in 15 ... Texting joke and normal texting ... Famous people in your contacts ... Pageant and Wicker Man season ... Conversationally overcompensating ... Troy Murphy Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... A surplus of borrowed plots ... Spot the Angel: Grandma Louise vs. Moppet Troy ... Poultice guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Green cookies; cupcakes and getting put on blast by Jodi; fake-drinking cappuccino; hot cocoa at a tree farm; snarfing a mug of whipped cream; Troy, WTF???; a pot roast spoken of ... Jewish pot roast ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Angry letter; a merch inquiry about our talking AI horse toy with articulated limbs; algorithmic Facebook ads ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Lucky in Love, toxic executivity; Seattle's Best Business Bachelor; Hannibal Lecter and Kenny Chesney ... Overdetermined: Santa, get me a mom for Christmas vs. Grandma not staying in her lane; Grandma horniness ... BREAK ... Crossover: Agent Cody Banks 3: Destination Stepmom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, uh, but ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Can you be an angel, a grandma and a skinjob? ... Senior citizen ha-ha horny hoarders ... Local Citizen Pasted in Puss with Puss ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Grandma Demon ... Higgins from The Christmas Train ... Director Paul Ziller's 36 episodes of "Untold Stories of the ER" ... Diagnose Me, Crowbar in Hand, Runaway Asthma, and Anaphylactic Shock and Awe ... "Christmas Coupons Galore!" ... Baal ... Bloodfist 4: Die Trying ... Billy Blanks ... A Lawnmower Man, a guy from Designing Women and a Monkees Daughter walk into a bar ... Virtual Seduction ... San Francisco traffic ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Surfin' Bird," by The Trashmen • "Super Taranta!" by Gogol Bordello • "Kodachrome," by Paul Simon • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane