NICK BOND takes us on a CHRISTMAS SCAVENGER HUNT (2019) to look for: Tom Arnold is sick ... THEME ... Brainwash your parents ... Sharing Hallmark with socialist whodunit mom ... Bona fides check ... Really enjoying the movie ... Saddam Hussein is so handsome ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: A Dark Abyss ... Plot mop-up ... Flip your damn tie ... Hallmark people being normal people ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or Tom Arnold ... Naturalistic acting, or is the movie just in his house? ... Illness vs. Stroke ... Eat Your Heart Out: Ham yes, phones no; new rib recipe; emoting via food, but not eating feelings; giant pot of chili; I need Christmas fuel; don't you wish there was a better way; hot chocolate errand; a sea of gravy; upgrade your bird; a Wine Clown's alienating dining behavior; silk tie ... BREAK ... Patreon plug ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: New England or Pittsburgh?; wandering into Falling for Vermont; Gail Is the Haint; Garbage Store Mysteries; The Stars Hollow Man and bonding over dumb male trauma; friending exes on Facebook ... Overdetermined: Constant, workable overdeterminacy vs. marriage is not a binary choice ... BREAK ... Crossover: There Will Be Blood vs. Dark Knight Rises and Wonder Boys ... Alfred Pennyworth, Things of That Nature ... The Swagony of Defeat: More Balsam Hill ornaments, Hallmark card ... Are there stationary stores anymore? ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but with a C- average ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Maybe Logan, but the plot lets everyone be fully formed ... BREAK ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 5, via extra troop ... I want my mom home from the war ... Satellite Marine Corps museum campus ... Hallmark Make-a-Wish child ... We love you, America ... Rating: A juicy 4 ... The Leftovers: Whoa, wife loathing ... The Yeti thing ... 311 ... Screen bugs obscuring clues ... "One of exclaim" ... Snow globe hoarder ... Childhood bedroom living-room suite ... IMDB Dive: I downloaded a ghost and want my pants back ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Nick's plugs ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Common Man Boogie (Dusty Rhodes Theme)," by Jimmy Hart and JJ Maguire • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane