ROBERT WHEEL returns for THE MISTLETOE SECRET (2019) and might get: Lubricious ... Always bet on Duffles ... Underused Patrick Duffy ... Improved Hallmark experience ... Moments of Mirth ... Competent leads, improved Pickler ... Kathleen Madigan on Kellie Pickler ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Patrick Monahan shout-out ... Uneven pacing, treading water ... Sterling Masters' heel j-turn ... Hallmark's version of Cyrano ... Spot the Angel: Duffy, brassy broad, Aria and Midway itself ... Misrepresenting rural Utah ... BREAK ... Journalismism: Implausible writing gifts; mischaracterizing producers; Sterling Masters is in The Bubble; Aria's teenage writing fandom; huge travel influencer; tweet, snap, share and 'gram it; mystery novel; acceptable resentment ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Waitress shout-out; mistletoe man meringue; nutcrackers, Robert Wheel namin' nuts; popcorn chewing in the dark; mistletoe martini; rural Utah blue laws; marshmallow expertise; Christmas pickle, German tradition; ordering for the lady; almost a real courtship; John DeLorean's flourless coke spoon ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Adrian Grenier's Utah; Romneys on the BYU team; uncomfortable allusions ... Overdetermined: A Taste of New Haven Passport vs. The Mistletoe Man vs. Sitcom cutoff dialogue vs. "Take a risk!" ... Tolstoyan allegory ... Crossover: Alex and Sterling's comeuppance and/or body-swapping; Squiggy; No Country for Elf Men ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Balsam Hill ornaments, again; a Belsnickel Christmas ... Hallmark's The Magic Mountain, Death on Christmas and Buddenbrooks ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Devoured by Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Sterling Masters' turtle hat vs. Craig, volunteer Uberist, Get Out and Christmas ... Rating: 3 ... House flipping, again ... Tyler Hynes Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Cronenberg cat sweater [LINK] ... 30-50 feral cats ... Pass the Bedazzler ... Self-negotiation ... Is Santa's workshop nearby? ... Farewell shooting star ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Joy to the World," by The Klezmonauts • "Misbehavin' (1989)" by Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy • "Edelweiss (Instrumental)," by JJ Heller • "Girls of Porn," by Mr. Bungle • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane