SARA KATE WILKINSON helps us get SWITCHED FOR CHRISTMAS (2017), and we rebel at: A dream board! ... Poetry slam Santa ... THEME ... Cry for help ... Enjoyable, not good ... Candace Cameron: Scene partner desperately needed ... Lack of discipline ... BREAK ... Leading Lady Leaderboard update/apology ... Cast rundown ... Inadvisable pandemic/president reference ... The Expositional Challenge ... Classic recap ... Small mop-up: Urban rural binary; clueing in the kids ... Littleton, Colorado ... Christmas at Area 51 ... Douchebag pageant disruptor ... The light benzo glaze of Tom Kinder ... Rosebud ... Kate's abandoned haunted-crush plot ... Chris succeeds/Kate Flounders ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Dad vs. D-D-D-D-Dead Mooommmmm ... It's not a hard vow, it's brunch ... Candace Cameron Bure shouldn't be appealing to Candace Cameron Bure ... Tom buys a NEO GEO ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Greg, leering Christmas goober; Hallmark Sex Idiot; running marriage trials; speaking of Wonderlic ... Eat Your Heart Out: Soviet-realist gingerbread; anguish cocoa; Christopher's Prime Steakhouse; [LINK TO SCREENSHOTS]; ice cream hiding; the top of Piper's head; a really lived-in fridge; juice pitcher error ... BREAK ... Psi Factor: The Candace Cameron Extended Universe: Deklin in Evergreen; potential twin; The Jaspar Project; hundreds of Candace Camerons; Denver geographic crossovers, the US mail ... PATREON PLUG!!!! ... Overdetermined: Performatively whining/projecting about each other's lives; dad reexplaining the entire plot premise; too little faith in the audience ... Crossover: The Gemini Man; Candace Cameron in The Bourne Festivity; Sliding Doors; Candace Cameron entering real WWII history ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Two Balsam Hill scenes, and a rolling ornament tackle box; storing ornaments; holiday stunting; Ron DeSantis faces at the Balsam Hill website; adopt, don't shop ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Low-key and cipher-like kids ... Rating: 2.5 ... Meant to say Danica ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: STEM girl ... Why did Kate and Chris not talk about this switch and happiness for each other and ground rules for each other? ... Nice to ask if he's pushy ... Like somebody that f*cks ... Obvious jump cut ... Boring without you, now they're art ... Avril Lavigne and Johnny Blue ... Natasha Bure's "Let's Be Real: Living Life as an Open and Honest You" ... Youths ... Dog spies the doppelgänger ... Changing in the women's restroom ... Steakhouse chat ... Follow Sara Kate on Twitter @SaraKateW ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane