Getting a piece of dessert really shouldn't be so hard to do. If you have to run a marathon, knock people over and hunt it down like prey in a forest, you really are burning too many calories just to eat a piece of cake. After all, dessert really should put on more pounds than you take off trying to enjoy it.

It used to be that we lived in a nice quiet neighborhood, but now I realize that we actually live in a barnyard. The hens in the neighborhood walk around all day cackling and gossiping about everyone else's business in the neighborhood. Then there's the Lesbian pigs that live in the corner house where all the grass is dead and they think that dog poop makes good fertilizer to leave all over the lawn. Moo.

A message to Gill and Jane: I am extending a heartfelt apology for the evening you spent with Roxanne. I apologize for her unbridled vulgarity, her lack of compassion for other human beings, her outright sense of entitlement, and for embarrassing the United States of America and confirming every ugly American stereotype in existence. We sincerely hope that this doesn't affect the relationship between the United States and the wonderful and warm country of the UK.

Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to to get something you really want. Once you've set you sights on the goal, you just have to go for it. It doesn't matter if you have to pretend to like Axe Body Spray, you have to give not one, but two men boners, and you have to speak four languages. It's all worth it if you achieve your dream in the end.

It's a well know fact that Lesbians have to change out the carpeting in their homes twice as frequently as Gay men. All that carpet munching really takes a toll on things. The only thing that's changed is that the Lesbians just don't buy their carpeting at Home Depot anymore. Time to sell your stock.

Lez by honest...our pets bring an enormous amount of joy and happiness to our lives every day. We wouldn't be the people we are today without them. They not only enrich our lives, but they also enrich our vocabulary. Tonight for dinner we're having a big bowl of Bordatella with a side of Rabies. For dessert it's two scoops of Parvo with a Giardia sauce drizzled on top.

Lesbian fishing attire: Baseball hat - check. Thermal base layer under your matching t-shirt - check. Hooded sweatshirt to layer on top - check. Sporty, wraparound sunglasses - check. Stylish waterproof boots - check. Faded pair of comfortable blue jeans - check. Fishing pole with a pink wrapped grip and a matching pink reel - nope. That belongs to the straight chick on the boat.

Being a cougar is all fun and games until one day you wake up and realize that the 20 year difference between you and your partner is not so cute anymore now that you're 40. She definitely looked hot when you were 25 and she was 45. Now that you're 45 you finally wake up one day and are horrified to think....how did grandma all of a sudden get into bed with you?

Nothing spells H.O.T. like a smooth, dreamy waterbed from the 1970's, especially if it has automatic heat controls. Then you think about your parents banging away in their new sleep numbers automatically adjustable bed...and suddenly...it just doesn't seem as hot and sexy anymore.

It doesn't really matter if you did pick up the individually plastic wrapped roses at the local 7-11 and arranged them thoughtfully in a bouquet for your lady for Valentine's Day. Let her just believe that you could not stop thinking about how wonderful she is all day long and that you just wanted to sweep her off her feet and surprise her with the most magnificent bouquet of flowers ever. Why destroy the fantasy by admitting that you simply picked them up like a supermarket rag at the checkout counter on your way out of the store.