There are two important rules that should be followed when using tools. The first is to always use the right tool for the job. The second is to always wear safety glasses. You never know when a little piece of plastic from the store's theft control security tag will pop up and hit you in the eye.

Taking a long trip to some place new always seems like a good idea at the time...until you start looking at the news. It's only then that you're confronted with the reality that other cities have bed bug infestations, serial killers and inhuman weather conditions. Perhaps it's best to simply stay at home for the holidays.

Going for a massage is the same as having sex with your partner. It's important to have a good line of communication going throughout the entire experience where you talk to each other about what feels good and what's too much. In either case there's a possibility that you could wind up with a hand up your ass going for a deep tissue massage if you just lay there quietly like a dead fish not saying anything.

There are some things that guys will never ever have to worry about. They never have to think about wearing white pants in case they get their period early. They never have to worry about the weight of their suitcase going over the weight limit at the airport because they had to pack extra tampons and pads, and they never have to worry about the outline of a super-sized tampon getting rubbed into the back pocket of their jeans.

Landmines used to be the affectionate name to call piles of dog crap in the backyard that needed to be cleaned up before the gardeners showed up. Then came Jersey Shore, which taught us that landmines were simply ugly chicks to avoid in a bar. Now we're back to land mines really being a danger for the gardeners, except this time a gardener really did get blown up.

The holidays are a time for joy and good tidings. It's the time of year to see your good friends, spread some holiday cheer and appreciate all that is good in your life. It's also the time of year to forge your wife's name on Christmas cards, to lie about what's in the packages you're sending through the mail at the Post Office, and the time of year that you hope the sexy UPS girl shows up at your door with boxes full of fun gifts for you.

Telling people that it's unhealthy to smoke, showing them ads of smokers talking through a hole in their neck or putting scary warning labels on packs of cigarettes doesn't seem to make a discernible difference in anyone's willingness to light up on a regular basis. The only way to really get people to stop smoking is to raise the price to $50 per pack and to have a case of dynamite explode in their ass every time they light up.

It's hard work keeping the country safe from evil. That's why we all have to step up and do our parts if we're going to succeed. If that means going through a full body scanner at the airport, showing up in a Speedo with a nut hanging out, or letting Roxanne's mom listen to this show...we just have to suck it up and do what we have to do.

Sometimes being a good partner simply means putting your own needs aside while you hold your partner's hand to help them through a scary or tough part of their life. It can be a gesture so simple as sitting calmly beside them talking about how hot Rhianna and Beyonce are while your partner is skidding down a treacherous snowy mountain about to careen off a cliff to her death. You can at least leave her with happy thoughts as she goes.

There's nothing wrong with looking in the local sex rag for some companionship and love for an evening. Just be sure to read the description carefully. When Sexy Natasha calls herself 36-24-36 and adds and extra 9" at the end...she may be bringing some extra parts that you were not expecting. At that point you can just roll up the newspaper and stuff it in your shoes and jacket to stay warm all by yourself instead.