You don't have to be a Buddhist to respect other creatures and to want to coexist peacefully with all living things. But, when a bug the size of a piece of luggage comes into your house and decides to make your bathtub its new home, it's game on. Let's just hope the bug doesn't know any type of martial arts.

You have a few drinks one night and you decide to pleasure yourself before you go to bed. In the morning you can't find your vibrator. There's either a mouse in your closet that is having the time of their life....or you had better go looking for that thing immediately. Immediately as in right now...not 10 years from now.

Let's face it. At some time in our lives we all experience getting dumped. It's ten times worse when we're seriously in love with the other person and one hundred times worse when they dump us for a close friend. There are lot of ways to get over the pain of a breakup. Photoshopping a herpes sore on your exes photo may be quite satisfying, but we've got even more ways to help you through the process.

When you have a toddler in the house and unexpected things happen, it's time to think very carefully about the sequence of events that may have transpired. It's no longer safe to just ignore odd coincidences. Before kids maybe your toothbrush was wet because your wife used it. Once you have a toddler in the house, if the toothbrush is wet and you haven't brushed your teeth...you can be sure that thing was in the toilet.

Colonel Mustard with a candlestick in the dining room. Nope. It was the cleaning lady with a Swiffer in the hallway closet. Either way...the wedding rings are gone and the cleaning lady is now on a luxurious first-class vacation traveling throughout Europe in her new Lamborghini.

It's widely accepted that Gay conversion therapy simply doesn't work. However, that was before someone came up with the brilliant idea of finding the most hideous and despicable man possible and then telling the Gay man you're trying to convert to being a heterosexual to go down on him. Without fail the conversion therapy will work. Gay men would rather lick a vag than go down on that. Cured.

The only thing worse than having to go the doctor to explain that you've left a tampon up inside yourself for the last three days is when the doctor explains to you that it's more common than you think. As a public service to women everywhere, Lesbians of the world need to unite to help inspect vaginas everywhere just in case someone inadvertently left something up there. We're professionals...we can help.

There's are reason some children are fearful of clowns. They go to parties with clowns that should have retired 20 years earlier. Back in the day they might have enjoyed clowning, but now they hate little children, they're sick of making balloon animals and the clown suit smells like sweat and vomit because it hasn't been cleaned in those last 20 years either.

When a job needs to be done and something in the house needs to be fixed it's time to call a professional. You can't just call anyone. You want to make sure they have years of experience and have earned a badge of respect in their trade. If a plumber shows up at your house and they don't show you some plumber's crack within the first 30 seconds of starting job, it's time to ask them to leave. Clearly, they have not earned their professional license.

If you're planning to go on a hunger strike you might want to make sure that somebody really cares enough about what you're protesting to give a crap about whether you die doing it or not. You don't want a bunch of people showing up with steaming buckets of Chick-Fil-A to see whether you'll get through the next 40 days withough dying of starvation. Place your bets.