Breaking news. A new casting or creative announcement has got fans in an uproar. Alack, it must be a new day ending with the suffix -day. But in this case, the reliably rumored cast announcement is so strange, and so ghastly, and so out-and-out weird beyond the worlds, that it warrants us bumping our planned episode and focusing a whole other episode on this most bizarre and terrible news instead. We’re talking about the notion that a female actor (no shade on her) is rumored to be the new voice of Aslan.

Aslan (left) gives a certain Netflix staff member a not-tame talking-to. (File photo, colorized)

“I always try to be open-minded especially at an early stage in the process. But sitting here right now, I feel very deflated. The imagery is Aslan’s mane is so important. And the idea of a lion being the king of beasts. And this dropping so close to April 1 is unbearable.”

—X post from GlumPuddle

In the novels, Aslan is a talking lion who serves as Narnia’s guardian and a guide for the human children. Generally portrayed as a male, Aslan was created as an allegory for Jesus by author C.S. Lewis.

Take two: “Fallen, fallen is Disney the great! The Mouse has become a dwelling place for cringe, a haunt for every unclean secularist agenda, a haunt for every flopbuster franchise, a haunt for every unclean and detestable remake.” Yes, we know the line. But after facing fairy-stale adaptations, flippant super-capers, and the adrift vessels of “Stalled” Wars, how could we restore Disney?