Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks to your holiday celebrations!

Topics of discussion: Holiday scheduling, The Christmas Chronicles and the canonicity of St. Nicholas, Church cusses, Mattathias's large adult sons, Judah Maccabee the Hammers of History, Alexander the Great, dream casting the 1999 Maccabees movie, Antiochus IV Epiphanes getting dunked on so hard that he dies, War Elephants, Eleazar the Piercer, King Baby, the Hammer and the Diplomat.

Hymnal: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!